“NO POSITIVE EFFECT”
by OPOVV , ©2018
(Oct. 28, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the home plate for truth, justice and the American Way. We’ve got quite a show for you tonight that we think you’ll like, so let’s get started by introducing Madam Shylock, brought to us via Skype direct from her Fortune-Telling Emporium located in the heart of Cassadaga, Florida. Hello, and how are you down there in the Land of Sunshine?”
“We’re all doing fine. Henry says to make sure I give you a shout-out; unfortunately he couldn’t join us because he feels under the weather. He’s been attending a grade school in Belle Glade where he thinks he contracted a bug brought here by an illegal immigrant. You know, legal immigrants have all their shots but, sad to say, the people streaming across our Southern border seldom have any, which is why we have all those Public Service Announcements about Whooping Cough, Diphtheria, Polio, TB and a whole slew of others. It’s amazing what’s crawling around in the petri dish that we call our public schools; a more accurate name would be Petri Schools.”
“We’re sorry to hear that and we all wish him well. Do you think we should send him a get-well card?”
“No, he said to tell you to get out and vote so this madness will stop. Build that wall; it works in Israel. And he wonders what you dumb people are standing around for: deport your illegal immigrants. ‘What in the tarnation are you people afraid of?’ he says.”
“Tell Henry that we care more for illegal immigrant children than we do our own; we care more for illegal immigrants than we do for our homeless Veterans. Tell Henry that we suffer from a political correctness virus that is infinitely more dangerous than cancer, since cancer attacks one person at a time while PC attacks our whole nation. So here’s the question for you: will there be a Red Wave or a Blue Wave?”
“Red.”
“Thank you for taking the time to talk to us, Madam Shylock; the check is in the mail. Good time to break for a commercial.”
“Fortuneteller” (2:41)
“And our next guest in line is Professor Zorkophsky, the eminent doctor of the mind. Hello Professor Zorkophsky, and welcome to the show.”
“Please, Roving, call me ‘Zork’; there’s no need to be so formal among friends.”
“Okay, Zork, what has happened to America? How come we have so many deranged people out there when, at any other time in world history, they’d all be locked away in an asylum?”
“Clinically speaking, it’s called the Misplaced Feel-Good Syndrome, which is what people feel inside to make themselves feel a part of the human race when, in fact, they are not part of the whole but a fringe element that is harmful to what they think of as ‘good.’”
“This time, Zork, explain it in terms us laypeople can understand.”
“It means that they’ll do anything to make themselves appear ‘good’ and ‘more caring’ than others. A correlation of MFGS (Misplaced Feel Good Syndrome) is that of a Muslim relying on the defense of ‘Family Honor’ for murdering his wife or daughter. But that’s all in my new book, ‘There Be some Real Nuts Out There,’ soon to be on the shelves. I hope you all buy it.”
“I’m sure we will, Zork. So people like Jim Carrey are living in some make-believe world?”
“That’s right. If they put their money where their mouth is, they’d hand over 90% of their earnings to the government, just as they would have to do in any Socialist country.”
“Put their money where their mouth is?”
“Exactly. Play fair or keep your mouth shut.”
“Thank you very much for your insight, Zork; I’m sure all of our viewers learned a lot. And I see by the clock we’ve got to break for another commercial.”
“Sweet Melissa” (3:33)
“And we’ve left the best for last: the Talking Dog. Hello, and welcome to our show. We’ve had Madam Shylock from Cassadaga, Florida and Professor Zorkophsky from his office at the university; where are you broadcasting from?”
“The dog says we’re at the park. Not many here yet.”
“I take it you heard our first two guests, so you’ve already heard the question.”
“Yes, we heard: first a virus and then a warped sense of ‘belonging.’ The dog says most people are longing to be a part of a group, that they lack the intellectual capacity to wonder about the utter vastness of the universe, when the sky is clear and you can see the Milky Way as if God made a swath across the sky.”
“Anything else?”
“The dog says she’s sick and tired of hearing people whine. She says a lot of the dogs at the dog park whine. She says Affirmative Action set this country back 50 years. Meanwhile, President Trump is doing his best to have us compete on the world stage and a certain segment of our population doesn’t get that even the white man has to work hard to get ahead. By making Megyn Kelly’s remark about blackface [“Mammy” (2:03)] an issue reminds me of a song we used to sing while we were puppies:
We rolled in the mud until we were black all over
Our Black Face Halloween costume was complete
We laughed and skipped while we tricked and treat.
The cats in the neighborhood whined
They hissed and tucked in their tails
Telling us to stop or else we would be put in jail.
There’s another couple of verses but you get the gist of it.”
“I think we get it: it’s what you sang as puppies, but now people get all bent out of shape about it, don’t they? They get offended, and it was just a puppy song. So what’s your take on why half the human population is off its rocker?”
“The dog says that ignorance is a reward that is given to the lazy; stupidity is what happens when reason flies out the window; and not caring is what immature people think when they make a (negative) ripple in the pond of life.”
“That’s very profound.”
“Here’s another profound: when Obama got elected, the deer and the wild turkey population, at least in Central Tennessee, started to decline, and by the time of the 2016 election it was almost decimated. Had Hillary been elected they would’ve been wiped out, but because Trump won, the deer and the wild turkey populations have made a remarkable recovery — a little bit of information that you’ll never hear from the mainstream media.”
“Interesting. Anything else?”
“There’s always more, but Pierre, the French Poodle, just walked through the gate, so I must be going. But before I see my beau I’ve got an observation to share: that there’s ABSOLUTELY no advantage, no positive effect, no benefit whatsoever in any way, shape or form that any illegal immigrant is making our country more productive and safer. And if anyone can’t at least see that much, which should be quite obvious to all, then they need to schedule a session with a psychiatrist; may I recommend Professor Zorkophsky?”
“Of course. Go on with what you were saying.”
“What hasn’t kept pace with the onslaught of this invasion are the number of pay washing machines and dryers. Our laundromats are too crowded and, if that’s not bad enough, if you leave your load in a washer or dryer, by the time you turn your back and walk out the door to buy a cup of coffee, ALL of your belongings will have disappeared. As I said, there hasn’t been a positive side of allowing even one illegal immigrant within our country.
“Well, you heard her; we’ll be seeing you guys later.”
“And off they go. All the guests made some very good points, don’t you think? Well, I’m afraid it’s that time and we have to be going. Thanks for watching and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“North to Alaska” (3:05)