“BEYOND BELIEF”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Aug. 8, 2018) — “O Exalted One, we’re approaching the vicinity of Earth; what is your pleasure?”
“What do you say we swoop down and see what our secret agent, Henry the Talking Frog, says? He’s the one who lives in the pond across the street from ‘Madam Shylock’s Fortune-Telling Emporium’ in Cassadaga, FL, right?”
“Fortune Teller” Bobby Curtola
“You are accurate, as always, O Exalted One. And we land. With your permission I’ll open the hatch and let Henry hop in.”
“Hey, Henry, long-time, no-see. How you doin’?”
“Howdy, O Exalted One; I’m doin’ fine and I thank you for askin’. Do you want my report on this planet or would you like to go for a roller coaster ride?”
“Let’s skip the getting-stuck-hung-up-upside-down for a few hours. I understand there’s a dog on this planet that talks, is that correct?”
“O Exalted One, the dog doesn’t actually talk; that would be crazy. No, the dog communicates telepathically to its owner, the Vietnam Vet.”
“So the dog communicates telepathically in English?”
“I’m afraid not; now that would really be nuts. No, the dog talks in Dog Speak.”
“And the Vietnam Vet understands Dog Speak?”
“Yes, Great One.”
“Give me an example that only the Vietnam Vet would know.”
“Here’s one: he takes the Talking Dog to the dog park, right? So the Talking Dog tells the Vietnam Vet that when the dogs come running up to her when she enters the park, they ask her if it’s true.”
“Is what true?”
“That when humans leave for work in the morning they go to a park and chase squirrels, because when they retire that’s what they do: continue going to a park, but they’re retired, right? So they’re done with the squirrel chasing and that’s why they bring their dogs to the dog park, so the dogs can take over the exhausting chore of the chasing of the squirrels, O Exalted One.”
“I’m sorry I asked. What about the political climate of the USA?”
“You want nuts, that’s it. On one side you have your ‘destroy America at all costs,’ the sit-around lazy bums, and on the other side you have your Patriots who believe in the Second Amendment and are, therefore, armed to the gills.”
“No kidding?”
“I kid you not, O Exalted One.”
“I need to hear more. Do these people know that they’re on a spaceship?”
“No, they believe that their world is flat and goes on forever; that’s probably why they behave so badly.”
“Have they learned to steer their spaceship?”
“I’m afraid not, O Exalted One; they just recently learned about gravitational waves. And yet they’re advanced enough to have M&M’s.”
“Amazing. Is there more?”
“You bet. They have a group that throws people off of rooftops and that same group, the group that gets splattered on the pavement, supports those who do the throwing. And they have pro-women’s groups who support the group that inflicts FGM’s.”
“Are they all that stupid?”
“About half, O Exalted one.”
“No way.”
“I’m afraid so.”
“So if the sun were to nova in a few years we wouldn’t waste our time and resources instructing them how to save themselves, is that how you see it?”
“Well, O Exalted One, if they won’t listen to the Talking Dog, what hope could they possibly have?”
“You mean to tell me that there’s really a group of them who go around killing others and some of these others just turn a blind eye to it all?”
“I tell you, O Exalted One, it’s over the edge; beyond belief; you wouldn’t believe it if you saw it in person, and I’ve seen it in person and still don’t believe it. Socialism has never worked yet there’s some who say that they believe in Socialism.”
“So what’s their problem?”
“They pray at the altar of ignorance, the one place in the universe where they receive Bliss, a drug more powerful than the strongest morphine. The one drug that makes them rightful and, therefore, they believe, gives them the ability to judge others, not ever realizing that minding one’s own business* is probably the most important human trait one could hope for but the one trait that they lack.”
“Good report. I’m out of here, Henry; see you next time in town, as they say.”
“See you later, O Exalted One.”
Whoosh.
[*minding one’s own business: why not let people eat in peace?]
“Fortune Teller” Alison Krauss and Robert Plant