by OPOVV, ©2018

(May 25, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the info-news show that isn’t hesitant to expose what others fail to even hint at. Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and I’ll be your host for this show. We used to spend time informing our neighbors that Islam is but a sham; that its followers will never assimilate; that their stated goal is to replace our Constitution with Sharia Law; and that such mentally-challenged individuals (such as Senator Chuck Schumer) are nothing more than puppets under the control of CAIR and the Muslim Brotherhood, so we’ve come to the conclusion that Americans will go to the showers, oblivious to their impending doom, unless we deport all of the Muslims within our borders. And that’s all we’re going to say about that.

“And while we’re at it, we’re not going to say one word about the Russians. Think about it: had the Russians really controlled the 2016 presidential election, Hillary would’ve ‘won’: the last enemy they would want would be Trump. And, secondly, if the Democrats sincerely believed in the rule of law, then why are they so vehemently opposed to voter I.D.’s?

“So what do you say we get to work and find out what our neighbors are thinking these days? As you can see, we’re back on our corner across from the railroad depot, on the sidewalk, under the awning about to ask this lady if she would like to be on ‘Pulse,’ the popular TV show.”

“You talking to me?”

“Yes; Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the exciting news show. Mind telling us your name and what you’re up to?”

“Well, my name is Lisa and I’m a dietitian and I’m on my way downtown where I’m going to do an interview on television.”

“No kidding? Tell us about the diet; did you invent it?”

“No, but my husband did. You see, when he quit drinking and smoking his weight shot up 20 pounds so he changed his diet. Now he nibbles on goat cheese and crackers and drinks water all day but still manages to have a slice of cake and a chocolate bar. Took him a year and now he wants to shed another 20 to get back to what he weighed when he was in high school.”

“We wish him the best and we wish you luck hawking your new diet. I take it you wrote a book about it.”

“And it comes with a password so you can log on and see a video of the before-and-after of my husband walking our dog, which is his exercise routine.”

“Oh; I get it: he walks the dog in the morning and in the afternoon, every day, like a forced workout.”

“That’s right; and it works. Plus the dog helps with his PTSD. And here comes my train. Thanks for having me on. Bye.”

“Good luck to you. Go figure: goat cheese and crackers; and a dog. Whatever works, right? Let’s break for a commercial.”

One Summer Night” (2:16)

“And we’re back with this gentleman. And you are?”

“Phil; call me Phil.”

“Nice to meet you, Phil. So, Phil, what are you up to on this fine day?”

“Make money, I hope.”

“You care to expound a little bit here; maybe help me out just a tad. Maybe you could elaborate a wee bit; could you do that for us?”

“Oh, for sure. I’m a lobbyist: I lobby. I represent the ‘School Bus Seatbelt Union,’ otherwise known as ‘SUNION.’”

“Did you just say, ‘SUNION?’ What idiot thought that one up?”

“It’s what we’re called, a group of professional school bus seat-belt installers and we’re to be found almost everywhere. And one more thing: we overcharge appropriately.”

“Did I hear just hear you right, ‘overcharge appropriately?’ Are you kidding me?”

“No, I’m not. Here’s how it works: you can’t expect mere unqualified non-union people to install seat belts for our precious little darlings, now, can you?”

“Yes, I can. What, regular people can’t read a schematic on where to drill the hole through the floorboard, fish an eyehook through and tighten with a washer and a locknut? By the way, how do you charge, by the hour or how?”

“We charge by the hole we drill in order to install the seat belt. We charge an even $500 per hole, a nice even number, which keeps the accountants and bookkeepers happy. And because it’s such an exorbitant amount of money, it gives the public confidence that they’re really getting their money’s worth.”

“For sure? Is that a fact? Seems to me you’re taking the public to the cleaners. Why can’t a bunch of dads and moms get together on a Saturday and do some buses? Have a cookout with burgers and dogs. Maybe have one of your people supervise for a day; keep the cost down for us taxpayers.”

“No way. We want to gouge the taxpayer.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, you’re a taxpayer, so why would you want to gouge yourself?”

“You sound just like Trump. And look, saved by the train.”

“And there he goes. One last commercial and then one last interview.”

Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No 1 in B flat minor” (4:38)

“And now we have a surprise for our viewers:  Professor Zorkophsky requested that we give him a few minutes on the program. Welcome, Professor.”

“Please, Roving, call me Zork’; no need to be so formal.”

“You know, somehow I knew you’d say that. What’s that you’ve got there, a list?”

“Remember the other day when you had the Talking Dog on and you ran over, so much so that you didn’t even have time to say ‘Goodnight’?”

“Do I? The station was inundated with our viewers claiming we ‘disrespected’ them.”

“So, in order to avoid a repeat, I’ve made a list, see? Here’s number one: if you have to have a rule requiring the players to stand during the National Anthem, you’ve not only lost the battle but the war as well. Commissioner Rodger Goodell should’ve done the right thing and fired Colin Kaepernick the first time he disrespected our flag, anthem, and country, rather than do what he did, which was make people like me turn off the NFL for now and forever. 2018 will mark three years without watching a football game for me, I’m proud to say. You DO NOT DISRESPECT OUR MILITARY.

“The second item is: MS-13 equals execution. Number 3 is how come Hillary is still in the news and not in jail, which leads us into comment #4: fire Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General. And that’s it.”

“Good job: a lot of good stuff. And I’d like to throw my two cents in: I’m really getting sick and tired of Congress not getting on the Trump Train. And since Zork’s contribution to the program was so short, we have time for me, on behalf of the crew, to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Another great show. Should’ve mentioned how proud we are of our president. Oh, how about overcharging to install school bus seat belts? No wonder why the voters vote “NO” whenever it comes up on the ballot: it’s quite enough for the kids being taken for a ride. Hey, Zork, burger time: my treat.”

Tight Rope” (2:56)





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