“PATROLLING THE HALLS OF CONGRESS”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Jan. 27, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to yet another round of ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the info-news show that may not always be right; may not always get our facts and figures entirely correct; and may – face it – just wing-it, but at least we try and make the effort, completely unlike the mainstream media who are subsidized by dwindling petrol-dollars and not by their leaving-the-sinking-ship advertisers. Hello, my name is Roving and I’ll be your host for what you are about to witness or, if you’re some of the few who are too cheap to pay for us on your satellite dish, read the transcript of the show. The TV you have to pay for; reading the transcript is a PUBLIC SERVICE so maybe sending a couple of bucks to The P&E wouldn’t be expecting much: it’s the right thing to do. Excuse us, please, while we break for a commercial.”
“It’s Not Unusual” (1:58)
“Okay; that was short. So what we do is stand on this corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad station and ask people what’s going on with their lives. And here comes a young lady. Excuse me, please, Roving here for ‘Pulse,’ the energetic and captivating news show for your entertainment and educational needs.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No, I don’t believe I am. See? This is what my editor told me to read, and, furthermore, she said, ‘No ad-libbing.’”
“No, it doesn’t say that at all. Here, give me that. Look: it says ‘Don’t lay it on too thick.’ It seems to me you laid it on a bit thick.”
“Opinion. Now, moving along, what’s your name and what are you up to?”
“My name is Pam and I’m 5’ 7.” Today I have only one class.”
“Don’t tell me: you’re learning how to become a comedian.”
“No, I’m studying global warming. And look here, our new textbook written by your friend, Professor Zorkophsky.”
“Let me see: ‘How to Profit from a Hoax.’ How much did that set you back?”
“$49.95.”
“Whew!”
“I’d say. I think maybe I’ll go into the textbook business, you think?”
“Only if you like to have a lot of money. And is this your train pulling in?”
“That it is. Bye.”
“See you around. Good time to break for a commercial.”
“Hawaiian War Chant” (2:00)
“Excuse me, sir, care to be interviewed on live TV? Roving for ‘Pulse.’ So, what’s your name and what are you up to today?”
“Name’s Mel and I’m a playwright.”
“That’s neat; we never had a playwright before. So, what you working on these days?”
“I’m working on a one-act play; two Marine grunts – PFC‘s – standing guard on some faraway forsaken place – we never learn where or, for that matter, when – and we eavesdrop on their conversation.”
“Okay, but why would that be entertaining? I mean, after women and beer, what is there for a couple of Marines to talk about?”
“My Marines intellectually discuss the meaning of their Oath and what it means to be a Patriot.”
“Sounds boring.”
“Now that you mention it, you may be right. Maybe I’ll have the Sergeant of the Guard make an appearance to lighten things up.”
“That’s pretty funny. How about a firefight? Hoards of the heathens attacking some worthless no-good outpost that neither side has a moment’s use for?”
“That would require at least two acts.”
“That’s right; you want to keep it one. So, tell us: what’s the bottom line?”
“Bottom line?”
“The gist of it; what are you trying to say?”
“I’m trying to say that Chuck Schumer, Paul Ryan, Nancy Pelosi and all the other turncoats are traitors, and why don’t we just deal with them? That’s what these young grunts talk about; they see themselves wasting their time on some forsaken hill when they could be back in the States patrolling the halls of Congress and talking some sense into the traitors.”
“Excuse us, please, while we throw in a commercial.”
“In My Life” (2:30)
“Taking names?”
“For sure.”
“I get it. Actually, I got it but I had to ask for some of our listeners, who never served a minute of their lives in combat, when any long-range plans just went out the window and it comes down to fighting to the death so as to be able to sit and relax as you drink your fill of fresh cool water.”
“That basic?”
“I used to say, ‘If you get me out of this, Lord, I’ll change my ways and live an exemplary life.’ Of course I didn’t know it at the time but it took me decades to keep my promise.”
“At least you kept it.”
“I’m sorry, but we’ve run out of time. Good luck on your new play; send me a couple of tickets and we’ll air it, if it’s not too long; I mean, one act, right? And so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show, maybe not the best, but still pretty good. Hey, Mr. Playwright, we usually grab a burger after the show: my treat.”
“The Man In Love With You” (3:22)
Dear Zork,
You are entirely correct.
My sincerest apologies.
Roving
Dear Roving,
I’m sorry to say that I took complete umbrage to your comment about people who don’t receive you on their cable or satellite channels as being somehow “too cheap”.
My provider doesn’t list your program, ‘Pulse of the Nation’, on their manifest, sorry to say. Furthermore, they said they never even heard of you.
I believe you owe me, and a lot of others, an apology.
With the epitome of decorum,
Professor Zorkophsky