by OPOVV, ©2017

(Dec. 11, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Baptist church down on Hawthorn Street. As you can see, we’re ensconced in the balcony and all set up with the camera while Molly, our sound operator, is manning the board. The good Pastor Dunkin has invited us to hear Chief New Leaf speak: let’s listen in after the commercial.

Commercial: “So Far Away” (3:57)

“How, which is the shorthand version of, ‘Hey, how youse doin’?’ Hello, I’m Chief New Leaf, but you can call me ‘Chief,’ or ‘New Leaf,’ or ‘Leaf,’ or ‘Chief Leaf,’ but not ‘Chief New,’ okay? Fine, and now that’s out of the way let me start by saying the vast majority of the American Indians lived, not only off the land, but on the land as well.

“Through the years we’ve concocted a number of home defensive measures to thwart attacks from insects and other critters. We domesticated the wolf so we always have had dogs for a virtual fail-safe early warning system. However, there was always one sneaky critter that once in a Blue Moon snuck in and caused havoc, and that critter was the snake.

“When America was the Garden of Eden, which was before the snake and before men with forked tongues, we didn’t worry about terrorists. We didn’t lock stuff up; we didn’t worry about being attacked by a crazed idiot; we just worried about our regular enemies so there were no ‘insane’ surprises, just your everyday ‘sane’ bear mailings, prairie brush fires, and you-name-it.

Commercial: “Cherokee Morning Song” (4:30)

“If you’ll please raise the curtain? Thank you. What we have here is the map of the United States that has lights depicting the location of a terrorist attack. Let’s all view this map as a Time Machine. What we’re now looking at is how the North American Continent looked like just after the last Ice Age. Notice that there aren’t any lights.

“Now let’s look at the map again at 10,000 B.C.: no lights. And again when the pyramids in Egypt were constructed and when Stonehenge was built: no lights. Let’s look at the map when our time gauge reads 1950: no lights means no Muslim terrorist attacks. What about in the 1960s? No lights.

“And then on December 21, aboard Pan Am flight 103, a bomb was exploded on American soil (an American registered plane is considered part of our country). And then there was the Twin Towers bombing in 1993 and since after 9-11 our country has been lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Look at the map and all of the lights. Okay, ready for this? Let’s add the lights that our government has been trying to cover up like Muslim terror attacks: Fort Hood (remember ‘Obama’s workplace violence?); Oklahoma; Washington, DC sniper; Chattanooga and ALL OVER OUR COUNTRY. Killings at the El Al ticket counter in Los Angeles in 2002; taxi-cabs mysteriously killing people and dogs all over our country.

“This is our country today, before we had any Muslims: no lights. Now, today, our map is being lit more and more with each passing day: beatings, torture, murders and premeditated MURDER ONE ‘honor killings’ (a misnomer if there ever was one), all because of one reason.

“This country has let the snake in and you’re not protecting yourselves. Let me tell you something: there is not one Muslim within the boundaries of any of our reservations. Not a one, and if, by chance, a Muslim is detected they are summarily removed, but actually it’s even faster than that. The word ‘immediate’ is approximate, yet still conveys a period of time for thought: instantaneous is a little closer to the truth.

“Your President Trump talks big and is a good friend of Israel, I’ll give him that, but as long as you allow Muslims within your borders you will be plagued with snake bites that you could’ve prevented. Wait until your daughter and/or wife is raped, like what is transpiring in Sweden; wait until someone you know is maimed or killed by a terrorist attack; and sit around and talk it to death until you yourself witness the death of your family and then you yourself.

“You all don’t know it, but the American Indian knows it. I am a Chief for two good reasons: I have exhibited bravery in warfare and I am not afraid to call a snake a snake. You are all, and us Indians (because of you), are in a line to the showers* from which there is no return, at least if you keep acting the way you have been. Excuse while ‘Pulse’ takes a quick break.”

James Bond Theme” (1:54)

“Now we’re back; now where was I? Oh, I remember: whine and cry to the chaplain: I don’t want to hear it: Islam is not a religion and they really are here to kill us: just LOOK AT THE MAP. They’ll subject us to the ‘Creeping Sharia’ and then to the real McCoy: full-blown Sharia from which the only way out is death, because there will be no ‘Uncle Sam’ in shining armor riding a white horse to rescue you: you will have destroyed her.

“Thank you for being such an attentive and polite audience. You must deport your Muslims; your DACA and illegal immigrants if you wish to leave freedom for your future generations. I have spoken.”

“And there he goes: off the stage. And that’s all of the time we have for our show. On behalf of the crew, I’d like to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. What do you say we track down Chief Leaf and see about a burger: my treat.”

[*showers: colloquial name for the gas chambers where Zyklon ‘B’ was dispensed.

The Girl From Ipanema” (4:17)






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