by OPOVV, ©2017

(Jul. 23, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show that keeps its viewers riveted to their seats, ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ Hello, I’m your Roving Reporter and I’ll be your host for the show and, what’s this? Looks like Chief New Leaf’s RV. Well, I’ll be a blue-nosed gopher, it is. Hey, Chief, how you doin’?”

“Hello, Roving and crew. Just driving by and saw you all standing out here on your corner; just stopped by to say ‘Hi.’”

“”Hi” back. You’re in a ‘NO PARKING’ zone, by the way.”

“Parking? This is just a quick stop to say ‘Hi.’ I’ll show you what ‘parking’ looks like. See, I’m turning the engine off, rolling up the windows and locking my doors: that’s ‘parking.’”

“I see a cop coming this way.”

“I’m out of here.”

“So long. Thanks for stopping by. And there he goes. And who will be our first person to waylay? What the heck? Why you dressed like the Pope? It’s not Halloween.”

“No, it’s not Halloween. It’s my uniform.”

“You work for a company which dresses its employees like the Pope.”


“Humor me: why?”

“I’ll start at the beginning. In the beginning, Christians used to have their secret services in the catacombs beneath Rome and, because they were down there only once a week, it gave the spiders plenty of time to weave their webs, okay?”

“Sure; fine with me.”

“So when the services began, when the person in charge of the service walked in, they would wave a long stick in front of them while they welcomed the worshipers.”

“The stick, the stick.”

“The stick was to get the cobwebs out of the way, but after a time the services moved above-ground so the stick went by the wayside, yet the hand movements in front of the face remained, and remain to this day.”

“So when we see the Pope or a priest moving their hands in front of their face it’s to, what, move the spider webs out of the way?”

“Well, if you would’ve paid attention, the frequency of the spider webs diminished, since they moved the services above-ground; these days maybe it’s a gnat or mosquito bothering them; who knows? Anyway, I work for an exterminating company and our motto is, ‘We’ll Move Them Out of the Way FOR YOU.’ What do you think about that?”

“Do you arrive in a Popemobile?”

“Now you’re being disrespectful. I’m off; have to go to work. Bye.”

“Goodbye, Pope. First it was Chief New Leaf, and then the Pope. Who’s next? Oh, my goodness, it’s somebody wearing a Lindsey Graham mask. I’m almost afraid to ask, but what’s the gig?”

“Amnesty; open borders; more money for teachers; amnesty; Obamacare; open borders.”

“Hold it! How many amnesties and open borders do you need?”

“According to the part I’m supposed to play, all of them.”

“And then what?”

“If the voters don’t like my platform, they don’t have to vote for me.”

“But they didn’t, did they? That’s why they voted for Trump. The voters don’t want amnesty, open borders, Obamacare, DREAMers, and all the other socialist drivel that spews from the ignorant, uneducated and easily-led, as if the Democrats are nothing but the children the Pied Piper absconded with.”

“Yes, I personally agree with you, but my character is a can short of a six pack, so in order to stay in character, I have to go through life as a dumb – this is a family show? – duck.”

“Well, aren’t you the clever one? And here comes your train. And I forgot to mention that we’re on our corner under the awning across from the railroad station. And I was just reminded that I also forgot to do the letter-reading part of the show, so I guess I’ll do it now. Hand me a letter, please; thank you:

Dear Mr. Roving Reporter:

Is it true you were in the military? Was it fun? Did you have a good time? Did you make a lot of friends?

Enthusiastic Viewer,



Dear Daniel:

Yes, I was in the military where I had a lot of fun and made a lot of friends.




“Okay, let’s move along. Who is next to interview? You? Okay, what’s your name and what’s your pet peeve?”

“You mean besides the fake news? I’d have to say the sorry record of the Republican Congress; I mean, really, now, how come Congress didn’t repeal and replace Obamacare the day after Trump was inaugurated? They had like eight years to get it right and, here it is, six months (plus eight years) later and they still haven’t figured it out. No wonder we have such disdain for politicians. And I got a question for you: how does a politician worth peanuts when they get to Washington leave as a millionaire if not for taking bribes and kickbacks?”

“A rhetorical question. And don’t forget the cabin in the mountains that was given to a member of the family, or an offshore bank account, or an endless list of perks where money is – believe it – no deterrent to spending.

“I see that we have time for one more. Hello, another Halloween costume, I see. What’s going on; is this some sort of pre-Halloween day? First we have a Pope and now a burqa. Okay, what’s your excuse?”

“I have no excuse for I am a Muslim.”

“So do you have a suicide vest underneath your burqa?”

“If my husband ordered me to blow myself up to wage war against the corrupt Great Satan* I would have to do so.”

“Do you ever think for yourself?”

“Muslim woman have no freedom to make any decisions.”


“None whatsoever. The method of suicide of choice is to soak the burqua in cooking oil and light it on fire: death by immolation.”

“What do you think about America’s women’s organizations, such as NOW?”

“Not much. They don’t tell the truth about Islam; they don’t mention the beatings, FGM’s, and so called ‘honor killings,’ which is what? A nice way to say premeditated murder?”

“Any comment about anything else?”

“Just that Trump’s Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, started off as a tough guy but he folded; he’s nothing but a lightweight and should make room for someone who can do the job for which he was hired. And there’s my train. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Miss Halloween costume. And now it’s time for me, on behalf of the crew, to wish each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Nice to have seen Chief New Leaf, wasn’t it? Can’t wait for the real Halloween. Burger time: my treat.”

[*Great Satan: USA]

Happy Trails


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