“NO ONE CAN HELP YOU IF YOU CAN’T HELP YOURSELF”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Apr. 26, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that entertains as well as informs. Standing on the corner with me, across from the train tracks, is none other than Professor Ahmad, you remember, of the Department of Antiquities, from our very own university. Haven’t seen you in a while. I understand, Professor, that you and Professor Zorkophsky are at odds over your new book, ‘The Political Life of Animals.’ Care to explain for the folks out there in TV Land?”
“Yes, yes, I explain. Not complicated. I say ALL animals dance to the beat of the same drum, while Zork says each species has their own drum. Think of it! Too many drums; how could anyone think?”
“Maybe he means it in a figurative way?”
“That is possible, I’ll give you that. Look how I assimilate and go with the flow. And, please to see more, I only have one large knife and one large gun on my person, hidden within my flowing robe. I am claiming only one wife, too. She wears the burqa; here, allow me to show you a picture of her standing next to Ground Zero. See? Proof that we are patriotic Americans, too. You like? You must like. See, no flesh of her body is exposed to turn men wild with desire. You see? Or don’t see. Ha, ha; America has changed me into a Muslim comic.”
“Know any Muslim jokes?”
“Now you go too far. There is no joking, a laughter, and no fun in Islam.”
“What about killing Infidels, isn’t that fun? And torturing little children and being cruel to animals and beating your wives?”
“How can you say that when I just told you I am claiming, for your highly-esteemed IRS, only one wife? I place the number ‘1’ in the box on how many wives I have. I stretch the truth but I no lie; I am an honorable Muslim.”
“Right. By the way, how’s your Islamic invasion going?”
“Because you are a foolish country with foolish peoples, we rejoice at every prayer. With thank the lucky stars for Elizabeth Warren who will wield the scimitar and cut off the heads of Republicans in your town squares. People like Paul Ryan and John McCain will have unlimited photo opportunities to stand with our most well-known butchers.”
“Back to the book, shall we?”
“We shall not. What, you think I like my job at the university? The students are dumb beyond belief. We tell them what we’re going to do; we spell it out for them; we paint pictures; we video and, to top it off, you do the same. Take the movie ‘FITNA,’ for example, a movie with sayings just from the Quran and real news footage, no rehearsals and staged events, and they still ignore us.
“But the most unbelievable aspect is when the religious police accuse someone of being homosexual, they are thrown off a tall building or hung by a lamppost immediately, no trial, and no appeals allowed. Instant public execution and still your very own homosexuals support us. Unbelievable.”
“We call our homosexuals the ‘LGBT community,’ you know.”
“Yes, I do know and so does the rest of the world. You can’t just come out and call a spade a spade, can you? What’s wrong with you people? It’s got you people in trouble before and it’ll be the death of you. You’ve known North Korea was a loose cannon with nukes and now you’re all acting as if it’s a big surprise and you don’t know what to do. You act like a bunch of pushovers, and as long as you don’t have the guts to do what’s right, no one can help you if you can’t help yourself.”
“Give us a ‘for-instance.’”
“Well, you’ve a true, real-to-life snake-in-the-grass in Congress. You’ve got to get rid of him. Look, I’m your enemy but even I can’t stand the snake.”
“Well, don’t keep it a secret: who you talking about?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Roving, but our time is up.”
“Ah, Molly, our sound-boom girl. What would we do without her? So that’s it and thank you for watching. And so, on behalf of the crew, I’d like to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show, guys. Burger time: my treat.”
Sharon Rondeau has operated The Post & Email since April 2010, focusing on the Obama birth certificate investigation and other government corruption news. She has reported prolifically on constitutional violations within Tennessee’s prison and judicial systems.