“WHY WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS?”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Apr. 6, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the greatest half-hour on television: ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ As you can see, we’re back under the awning across from the railroad station and do we ever have a show for you tonight. First up is none other than Madam Shylock, up from the land of the Spanish moss and alligators. Is this going to cost me anything, to ask you a question?”
“The questions are free; the answers are not. After all, I’m a loyal member of the ‘Lonely Housewives looking for Heathcliff Club.’”
“Surely you kid? You wouldn’t be taking advantage of vulnerable lost souls, by any chance?”
“Look, Roving, it’s a jungle out there. We’ve got to stick together or we’ll all sink together. I provide a righteous service to the community and it sure doesn’t hurt to make an honest dollar along the way, now, does it? Besides, it’s all in fun. Let me tell you something: a positive attitude never hurt anyone, and giving people hope and something to live for is an honorable calling.”
“Next you’ll be nominated for sainthood, is that what you’re telling us?”
“Well, you called me to be here today, on this spot at this time.”
“I did not.”
“Well, somebody did.”
“Eh, excuse me, please, but my dog called you and asked you to fly up. Here, this is your reimbursement money. Go ahead; take it; after all, the dog said he’d pay you.”
“Well, look at this: the Vietnam Vet with his talking dog.”
“Hello, Madam, Roving and crew. ‘It’s a Strange World We Live in, Master Jack.’ I mean, I was at the dog park and saw Pastor Tuck and he and my dog came up with the suggestion that I thought we could hook our stars to, if you get my meaning.”
“I don’t.”
“But I do, Roving. Let him speak.”
“No, go ahead, Pastor Tuck.”
“Thank you, Vietnam Vet. Hello, television audience. The dog and I were at the small dog park, talking, and the dog said, ‘So why wait for Christmas, eh?’
“And I said, ‘That’s the greatest idea I ever heard!’ It would be like an in-your-face moment, something that Vietnam and all other combat-tested Veterans live for, I assure you. So maybe we could shorten it. Anyway, it would be like a secret handshake among initiated club members: I’m one of you; I voted for Trump.”
“Hold it, everyone. Stop. What in the heck are you all talking about?”
“Why, don’t you understand, Roving? The dog suggested that people get used to saying ‘Merry Christmas’ at any time of the year. That we ALL should say it, get used to saying it, hearing it said. And, most important, mean it. Here, let me give it a try. ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS;’; so how was that?”
“Great!”
“Stupendous!”
“Maybe shorten it to just: ‘merry.’”
“That’ll work. Hey, Madam, ‘merry.’ Hey, Friar Tuck, ‘merry.’”
“And ‘merry’ back to you, Roving, and the dog, too.”
“And I’m getting the we’ve-got-to-wrap-it-up signal. And so, on behave of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all, even though it’s the first week of April, Merry Christmas: ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS!’
“Okay, you all blindsided me and it was fun. Thank you, Madam Shylock, Pastor Tuck, Vietnam Vet and talking dog. And let’s all start practicing saying ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS’ to one and all (specifically to Obots* and Muslims) at any time of the year. Look, I don’t know about you, but I could use a burger and a shake: my treat.”
[*Obots: anyone who supports the Muslim Brotherhood Manifesto; supporters of Hillary Clinton; amnesty; sanctuary cities; anything anti-Constitution.]
“If Every Day Was Like Christmas”