by OPOVV, ©2016

(Dec. 5, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the ever-popular news show that takes you where others fear to tread. Hello, I’m your ‘Roving Reporter’ – that’s my name – broadcasting from an undisclosed location (actually, they refer to it as a ‘Misdirected Address Facility’) here in the middle of America, a place where ‘the planes fly over.’ With me is a Miss ‘Jane Doe,’ the spokesperson for this facility.”


“Pardon me?”

“You said ‘spokesperson.’ I’m a woman, so I’m a ‘spokeswoman.’ And you said this place is a ‘Misdirected Address Facility.’ Well, it just may be, but we call it the ‘Top Secret Place,’ or ‘TSP,’ for short. Sorry about the blindfold on the way up that mountain road, but you can’t be too careful.”

“No, I guess you can’t. This place used to be a motel. What happened?”

“Interstate is what happened: passed us by. We would’ve gone plum broke, but Bubba, that’s my cousin, had a brainstorm, the first and, as it turns out, his last. You see, he just come back from Korea, you know, the ‘Forgotten War,’ and went off the mountain to the motion-picture house down in Pigeon Forge and saw this show called the ‘Manchurian Candidate.’ That’s how come he came up with the idea.”

“The idea for what?”

“This place. You see, we’ve been having no business, and why would we with everybody passing us by? It was my father who came up with the idea of letting the air out of the tires at night and then charging $1 a tire for a fill-up. Near the end he was getting $5 a tire. Of course, you couldn’t let the air out of all four tires at once: that would have looked a little bit too suspicious, now, wouldn’t it? So he just let the air out of the right rears and he would have a portable compressor tank in the back of his pickup truck.”

“What happened to Bubba? He still around?”

“Oh, no. The Cadillac shot him.”

“You mean a car shot him?”

“No, no. Bubba figured if somebody had enough money for a Cadillac they had enough money for four flat tires.”

“So what happened to the guy who shot him?”

“Nothin’. They had a ‘change of venue’ and that trial moved to the big city – Knoxville – where he was acquitted. Seems like those rich city folks didn’t like the air let out of their tires.”

“Interesting, but that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to see what’s going on with this place now. I understand that this is some sort of ‘Secret Agent Training Facility;’ is that correct?”

“Well, yes, it is. Our most famous graduate is Harry Reid. We even have a company song. Would you like to hear it? Here, let me play it for you. It’s called ’Secret Agent Man.’ Our clients really like it, you know.”

“You mean the Senator?”

“I’m not at liberty to divulge any ‘Top-Secret’ information, mind you. Let’s just say you’re not far off the mark, if at all, so before you ask, let me say this is where we teach normal people to act like complete idiots. We teach them to infiltrate the Democrat Party and come up with the stupidest and dumbest ideas that they can and sell it to the mentally-handicapped, which includes people like Hillary and, most recently, Keith Ellison from Minnesota.”

“No kidding?”

“On my word of honor. You see, Americans don’t want illegal immigrants or any Muslims in their country; I mean, would you?”

“No, of course not.”

“So people come up here to enroll in ‘How to be a Secret Agent’ and we teach them to infiltrate the Democrats and, well, you know the rest of the story.”

“You mean Hillary was misled? She didn’t have to have Muammar Gaddafi and Ambassador Chris Stevens murdered, did she? You mean, had she supported the deportation of the illegal immigrants and the Muslims she would’ve been elected president?”

“It goes without saying.”

“What’s the point? I mean, why?”

“We like America better than stupid people, is why.”

“Okay, I can understand that part of it, but who funds this place? Where’s all the money come from?”

“You’re not going to believe this, but we’re funded by none other than our own Department of State.”

“You’re kidding?”

“Nope. We tell them that we’re an ‘Honest Community of Migrants with Open Arms to Accept the American Way’ and they send us money. A lot of money.”

“How much money?”

“Eight digits. That’s how they rate the importance of whatever it is they think they’re doing. The more money it takes, well, the more important the operation must be. At first we were asking $100,000 a year and they ignored us. Sent letters back marked ‘RETURN TO SENDER.’ Then Bubba said let’s add a few more zeros and see what happens and BINGO! And that’s how we made our first $100 MILLION.”

“Your first?!

“They throw money at us. They use FedEx. We even send people over to Europe these days, too. We’re everywhere. We promote every kind of idiocy possible, is what we do. WE were the ones behind the fallacy of the EU being ‘good for Europe,’ as if a Muslim invasion could possibly be good for anybody anywhere at any time. And that’s why Hillary lost. We infiltrated her inner circle spreading the rumor that Americans want Muslim ‘migrants’ and want ‘made in China.’”

“So let me see if I understand what’s going on here: you promote stupid on purpose so the regular normal person sees the hypocrisy and votes accordingly, is that it?”

“That’s it. So if the Muslims think that they’re getting a piece of Jerusalem, I have a Brooklyn Bridge for sale.”

“And with that I’ll have to say our time has expired. Thank you for watching and so, on behalf of the crew and myself, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show, guys. Burger time: my treat.”

“Return to Sender”



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