“NO CHEATING ALLOWED”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Aug. 19, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to television’s most provocative show, ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ I’m Chief New Leaf, your host for tonight’s show. For those of you who aren’t familiar with our program, we go out in the morning and interview just regular folk – such as yourself – to see what their concerns are.
“After we get enough tape for a show we usually grab a burger around 10:00 a.m. (which passes for brunch) and then back to the studio for editing. The ‘Pulse’ goes on the air that evening. For those who miss the show we send a transcript to ‘The Post & Email News’ for further editing.
“So let’s get on with it. As you can see, we’re set up under the awning across from the railroad station where we politely (I hope) stop people and ask them questions. And here comes a target now.
“Excuse me, sir, ‘Pulse’ here for an interview.”
“How, Chief; like your show. Dog and I watch it every chance we get.”
“No wife? Just the dog?”
“No, wife left me for a dentist. You know, if you were to equate a dentist with the ‘World of Fish’ you’d end up with a cleaner wrasse; you know, the ones that go inside Grouper’s mouths.”
“I see. Well, looks like you’re handling it in a very logical and mature manner. Sorry about the smirk: we’ll just edit that out. So, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a dog trainer. I teach dogs how to vote.”
“Whoa! Hold the horses. Stop filming, please. Go grab some coffee for all around. You say you ‘teach dogs to vote’? What’s that all about?”
“I hate to say this, Chief, but where the heck you been, stuck on the reservation? No, ‘dogs’ don’t ‘vote,’ but people, who get absentee ballots in dogs’ names, or just plain-old make-believe dogs, do vote.
“But we have our standards, you know. At first we didn’t and it was very confusing, but after we unionized we got it all together.”
“You mean you belong to a ‘Dog Vote Union’? No kidding?”
“No kidding. We have union cards and dues. And every city has a BA, Business Agent. We even have a retirement fund that’s tied up with some sleazy Las Vegas casino. And once a year all the BA’s go off to some big city for a convention.
“We have a handbook and there’s no cheating allowed. Let me explain.”
“Please do.”
“Every dog has to have a leash. Remember years ago when they came out with this wire and a dog collar at the end, the invisible dog leash? Yes, I know it was a joke but it still got a lot old people out walking. Well, each of our ‘dogs’ has to have one of those and their name on the collar, giving some credence to their authenticity.
“When I first started I was using ‘Lassie’ and ‘Rin-Tin-Tin,’ ‘Rex’ and ‘Fido,’ but no longer. These days I use ‘Robert’ and ‘Mary,’ real people names. And the rules state that no ‘dog’ may vote more than 100 times. And it’s a good living.”
“But you’re breaking the law, for Pete’s sake.”
“Well, maybe so, but so are Hillary and the DOJ. Nobody cares, and that’s why every election we get hired to vote and vote often.”
“I believe you. I remember in 2012 there was this one Pennsylvania County that had more votes than registered voters.”
“Yes, one of our members sent the absentee ballots to the wrong town, that’s all. Things happen.”
“But the DOJ never inspected the obvious fraud.”
“Of course not; they’re in on it. Anyway, you asked and here comes my train. Bye.”
“But what about ‘honor’? What about trampling on your fellow citizens’ Constitutional rights?”
“What of it? Again, look at the DOJ and then look at Hillary. Look around you, Chief: the ship is sinking and we rats are taking as much with us while we can. Everyone is in on it and for proof just look at Lois Lerner. My train: bye.”
“Goodbye, and thanks for talking to us. And there he goes. I wonder if he was pulling our leg, although I must say his union card looked pretty convincing.
“I’m sorry to say that our time is up and so, on behalf of the crew, I’d like to wish each of you a good night: Goodnight.
“Well, now, it makes one wonder now, doesn’t it? But ‘dogs’ voting in Chicago have been well-documented; dogs and dead people. Hey, I should’ve asked him about dead people voting and how they keep track of those names. I say we grab a burger and then head on back to the shop: my treat.”
Aim High…Fly. Fight to win.