Our Secret Government (RR)


by OPOVV, ©2016

Just how much corruption is there in Washington, DC?

(Jul. 2, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Chief New Leaf, hosting tonight’s airing of ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ We’re across from the railway station, under our favorite awning, a block away from our favorite burger joint, about to interview our fellow citizens.

“Excuse me, sir, want to be on television?”

“Sure thing.”

“Okay, what do you do for a living and where are you off to?”

“I don’t do anything. Wait, that didn’t come out right. I’m a government employee and I’m off to go downtown to visit a museum.”

“What do you, or how do I say, ‘not do’ for the government?”

“’Not do,’ that’s pretty funny. No, some government employees are good, dedicated workers. I’d say about 10% do 100% of the work that needs to be done. The other 90% do the work that doesn’t need to be done, like ‘pretend’ work.

“I knew a guy who was in the Navy who worked harder at not working than he would’ve had he just done his job. He said that wasn’t the point. He said that there’s government employees who try and catch people working even less than they are, and they get paid for it.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“Well, that’s my job. You see, I work for the ‘Department of the Collective Inefficiency of Bureaucracy (and what to do about it)’: ‘DIBIT’ for short.”

“What, we on Candid Camera? You’re kidding?”

“No, look, here’s my government ID: Robert Oaks.”

“I’m just not believing any of this. How come we’ve never heard of this department before? What do you do there?”

“Good question. I’ve wondered about that myself. You see, all of our findings are secret. We never really tell anybody what we do.”

“What do you mean, ‘never tell anybody?’”

“That’s just it: we keep to ourselves. It’s called ‘In-House.’ Everything we do is ‘In-House.’”

“You mean you never pass along your findings, reports, whatever it’s called.”


“’Findings;’ you never tell anybody, ever?”

“Never, ever.”

“Hold it. You mean to tell me that you work for a government agency that collects data – ‘findings’ – and that’s it? You never pass that information along? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”

“Not ‘try’: I did it and you got it. Here, let me give you an example. First of all, we never hire people who might take our job away from us, so we hire people even more incompetent than we are.

“Wait, that didn’t come out right. We hire people who we think will do the job without upsetting the apple cart. Mind you, this has been going on since the government began, over 200 years ago.

“With each and every new employee the, what we call the ‘Employee Quotient,’ drops a wee bit. Maybe not much, but a little.”

“Please explain what the heck the ‘Employee Quotient’ is.”

“EQ is a number that each employee is given when they submit their application. The first EQ started at 100 and through the years it has naturally gone down, ever downward as government has become ever bigger.

“Here, let me give you an example. Starting with the first Attorney General of the United States to the present, Loretta Lynch, we’ve seen the EQ number decrease. Former Attorney General, Eric Holder, was a ZERO, I’m sorry to report, while the current AG, Loretta Lynch, is a MINUS 17.14. Not very good, is she?

“But the most precipitous drop is held by Jeh Johnson. His predecessor had an EQ of 27, while Johnson, the current head of the DHS, holds a record-breaking MINUS 57.04! In real-world talk, Jeh Johnson couldn’t even get a job guarding a used lawnmower shop.”

“What about Hillary? What was her EQ?”

“Hillary was a MINUS 7.0 while Kerry’s is a MINUS 7.08.”

“What’s the reason for keeping your findings secret?”

“Now this is how it works, so pay attention. The government isn’t one person; heck, the government isn’t even alive. The government is a playing field that has rules and regulations that we government employees refer to as ‘The Maze.’”

“The Maze has no feeling and owes no fidelity to anything, including to the Constitution; are you with me? This Maze is (and has been) populated by people who believe that they should be doing even less work than they aren’t doing. We’re talking about the 90%; the employees who are there to collect their paycheck – welfare — check in person.

“Ever since the end of World War II, starting in earnest in 1946, the Department of State has been infused with Harvard and Yale flaming liberals – socialists – whose anti-Constitution outlook seeped into all the other government departments, including the ‘Department of War,’ which is precisely where the first ‘politically-correct’ shot was fired: they had the name changed to the ‘Department of Defense.’

“And we’ve had our tails between our legs ever since. One of our findings revealed that most (90%) of the government employees support socialism; most support cutting the spending on our military; most support weakening our military by making sure that the Secretary of Defense is really ‘on board’ with the Obama Administration: a Muslim lover through and through.

“Our findings have revealed that the corruption in the government is so far out of control that, now listen: IT CAN’T BE FIXED. Our conclusion is that the IRS MUST BE ABOLISHED; that the Department of Education MUST BE ABOLISHED; that our charter with the Federal Reserve Bank MUST BE ABOLISHED.

“What we’ve found is that we just can’t afford to keep the same people in the government who have worked under and supported Obama for the past eight years. You CANNOT have yesterday’s Lois Lerners running the government tomorrow.

“And that’s been our findings of late. The most interesting finding in the past three years was a study that was done had OPOVV been elected president in 2012. The reading is absolutely fascinating, and it would make one heck of a book and movie if it ever came to pass. Think of it: he takes the reins of the presidency in 2012. By 2014 there’s not one illegal immigrant or one Muslim within the borders of the USA. By 2015 there’s not one Muslim in Canada, New Zealand, Ireland, Norway, Sweden and Haiti. Hey, it’s in the report: I read it and worked a little on it. I worked on the part about OPOVV getting out of the UN – that he refers to as the ‘Muslim Admiration Society – and moving them all lock, stock and barrel to Switzerland, or, even better, Riyadh.”

“I’m sorry to say, our time’s up. Thank you for taking the time to talk with us. Who knew: a secret government department that keeps its findings secret; now that’s one for the books. Roving is now in California heading for San Diego, I’m told. This is Chief New Leaf, on behalf of the crew, wishing you all a good night: Goodnight.”

“Hey, some show: ‘Secret Findings.’ I believe what he said about the 90% pushing socialism. Look at our current Secretary of State, Kerry, pushing the same old ‘Ugly American’ foreign policy, supporting the CIA puppets (puppets who always seem to come back and bite us, time after time). It’s a never-ending story of failure after failure; a broken record if there ever was one. The mystery has been solved! Burger time. My treat.”

Semper Fi


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