by OPOVV, ©2016

(Jun. 8, 2016) — “How. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, squaws and warriors, to ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ I’m Chief New Leaf filling in for Mr. Roving, who is on assignment.

“One of our viewers expressed the desire to see me in full American Indian regalia, which explains the fancy headdress, buckskins and moccasins. Each feather represents something: like years in service, rites of passage, expeditions taken, number of children and other important milestones in the life of an Indian warrior. The locations of the type of feather, color and length, from front to back, all have meaning and all must be earned. Only Chiefs wear the feathers of the Eagle and, as you can see, I have a few of them, up here, in the front.

“We are, once again, under the awning across from the railroad station where we ask people, people just like you, what their concerns are. Ah, here comes somebody. Excuse me, sir, spare a minute to answer a few questions?”

“What’s with the get-up? You fixing to scalp somebody?”

“Me Chief New Leaf for ever-popular show, ‘Pulse of the Nation.’”

“Really? I watch that show. Where’s Roving?”

“Not here. Now question: what you think of Hillary?”

“You know what I think? You want to hear what I think of Hillary? Well, whenever I see Hillary I think of two things: first, the song ‘Mother in Law,’ by Ernie K. Doe, comes to mind. Here, let me sing some of it for you (sings). And the second is the Wicked Witch of the West cackling, like this: (cackles).”

“That’s pretty funny. What you do for money?”

“You mean what do I do for a living? I’m in the landscaping business.”

“You mow lawns.”

“I’m in the landscaping business where we predominately adjust the grass height to a predetermined level of acceptance for appearance’s sake, prior to customer approval.”

“Okay. You don’t look or sound Mexican. You speak Spanish?”

“No, I’m an American and speak English. And that’s my hook.”


“Draw, as my company name: ‘Only Americans for American Lawns, Inc.’”

“How’s business?”

“Well, I have to tell you: ever since Trump came on the scene it’s definitely improving. Look, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to work. Bye.”

“Thank you. Good morning, miss. Care to answer a question or two?”

“Be glad to. We watch the show every night, my dog and me. What’s with the Indian outfit, you fixing to go on the warpath?”

“No, no, nothing like that. It’s a PR stunt, I guess you could call it. Anyway, here’s the question: when you see Hillary, what comes to mind?”

“You’re not going to believe this, but it’s true. Whenever I see Hillary I can’t help myself but I go off singing the song ‘Lies’ by the Knickerbockers,’ like this: (sings).

“And then I do a couple of verses of ‘I’m a Loser’ by the Beatles, like this: (sings).

“And then, to top it off, I sing ‘Little Lies’ by Fleetwood Mac.”

“There seems to be some sort of commonality about Hillary, is that what you’re saying?”

“All the way back to Watergate, where the commission fired her for lying. Her whole history is one of lying. Hey, that’s my train arriving. Bye.

“Wait! I almost forgot. This thing about Hillary being the first woman and all? Doesn’t mean anything. The only thing that matters is content, and lying ain’t much of a content, at least in my book. There’s my train!”

“Bye, and thank you for the songs. Great voice. That’s our show for this episode of ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ and thanks for watching. And so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing all of our viewers a good night: Goodnight. And as we sign off, I’d like to sing a little bit of ‘Cherokee Nation’ by Paul Revere and the Raiders (sings).”

“Good show, but maybe the Indian outfit was a bit much. That girl sure had a good voice. Hey, what do you say we grab a burger over yonder? It’ll be Roving’s treat.”

Semper Fi


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