by Pastor Dunkin, ©2026
(Mar. 25, 2026) — The following is the transcript of Pastor Dunkin’s latest sermon.
“Greetings, sinners, and welcome to a refuge for the soul, this little church down on Hawthorn Street. For you first–timers, welcome; to you regulars, glad you could make it. I’m Pastor Dunkin and will be your ethical guide for the next few moments of your life. Cherish them well to store in your memory as at least something to consider. I now draw your attention to the choir, who will wake you up. Please stand and clap and foot-stomp to your hearts’ desire.”
“I’m Saved” (3:33)
“Whew. Thank you. Please be seated. Life is like a book; there’s a beginning and an end, birth to death, a flame lit and then extinguished. Millions upon untold millions of humans have been born, and millions upon untold millions have died. Think about your family tree. Each of us has had a great-great-great-great grandmother who in turn had a great-great grandfather and so forth. Think about it: great-to-the-44th-power, and more, many more, until we’re all just part of the primordial soup that started it all. All our great-greats have died; the Grim Reaper came a-callin’. It happens. It happened trillions of times in the past.
“We humans tend to believe we have a monopoly on the awareness of death. Animals have it, too. Birds have it. We’re not as alone as some of us would like to think. The trick is to live as if you’re dying with no regrets, or as little as possible. It seems to me that animals have a distinct advantage over us humans on that score; I mean, who ever heard of swans getting a divorce or cows suing one another?
“Political parties also have a beginning and an end. The Democrat Party died the day JFK was assassinated. The Republican Party started to die the day the President and Melania rode the golden escalator into history. The Democrat Party is now the Communist Party, while hopefully the Republican Party is changing into the MAGA Party. Please stand and sing Hymn #417 along with our choir.”
“It is Well with My Soul” (4:32)
“Thank you. Please be seated. And we’re back with my conclusion. Here’s the problem: people who always voted the Democratic ticket are still voting the same. I know it says ‘Democrat,’ but it means ‘Communist,’ and as soon as the Dems realize they’ve been had, the better. There’s no better example of that catastrophe than Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson, who ran on the Democratic ticket but is really a Communist. So, you Dems out there, do yourself a favor and vote Republican from now on; it’ll do us all a hunk of good.
“Lastly, since the war with Iran started, I’ve been asked more times than I can count if the hatred the Muslims have for us all will ever end. I’m sorry to have to say, no, it will not change. The Muslims will still kill Christians in Africa, Hindus in India, Jews everywhere and their fellow Muslims, too. I’m sorry, the hate will not abate. That’s just the way it is and it’ll never end, which is why I support the deportation of all Muslims from Western Civilization ASAP.
“Let us pray. Dear Lord, we are nothing but lost sheep looking for shelter. We would like the Dems to understand that they’re being played, and if they would stop and take the time to figure things out, that there’s no way they or anyone else could win a debate of Dem vs. MAGA. Facts matter, while hype and lies are nothing more than empty promises. We understand that our politicians and government have let us down, that we can rely only on ourselves and friends to keep us safe. We understand that we must be armed to protect ourselves, and it’s too bad Laken Riley didn’t have a father who taught her never to be unarmed and helpless. In this we pray. Amen.”
“The Old Rugged Cross” (3:00)