by Pastor Dunkin, ©2026
(Feb. 22, 2026) — “Tonight” (2:42)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Continuing along with our ‘Unusual Occupations’ series, we have Mr. John Nelson with us to explain his profession. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Thank you for having me. What I do is apply for stupid government grants. Currently I’m trying to determine if instant hot chocolate or coffee stirred clockwise dissolves faster than stirred counterclockwise.”
“That’s interesting. How long have you been working on this project?”
“This coming Tuesday it’ll be 27 years.”
“27 years?!”
“Yes, 27 years. Think about it. It always comes out a tie. How do you think it’ll make me look to say the past 27 years have been a waste of time?”
“And money. How much did the government pay you?”
“A million a year is all I’m getting. Wait! Before you say anything, my first grant was for one million for one year. That was way back in 1999. I’m still getting a lousy million for 12 months of research. Understand? There’s no inflation clause. One positive thing came of it, though; I learned how to budget to live on $19,000 a week.”
“That must’ve been tough.”
“You telling me? Every time I took my Porsche into the dealer, it cost me 3 grand.”
“Well, we can see that it’s not as easy as we first thought. Thank you for agreeing to be on the show. We’ll pause for a short commercial break.”
“MacArthur Park” (5:34)
“And we’re back with — what did you say your name was, April?”
“That’s right; April. Pleased to be on your popular show.”
“Glad you’re here. Mind telling us what you do that is so unusual?”
“Glad to. I’m a complainer. Let me give you an example. Why, just the other day, I went to the grocery store and tried to pull out a cart, but it was stuck. Then I tried pulling out another cart and it was also stuck, and that’s when I beelined it to the manager and made my complaint. I threatened to call Corporate, but the manager gave me a coupon for $50 to shut me up, redeemable as cash. So, I cashed out and went to the next store. Anyway, that’s what I do.”
“And that’s what you call your job?”
“Pays the rent and buys the food; what more do you want?”
“Why, nothing, nothing at all. Thanks for being on the show. What do you say we pause for a commercial?”
“There’s A New Moon Over My Shoulder” (2:21)
“And we’re back with Fred House who has a rather strange job. What is it that you do, Fred?”
“I collect posters for a well-known Washington museum for the new ‘What Stupid People Used to Carry’ gallery.”
“Let’s see if I understand you correctly: you collect ‘ANTIFA’ posters; is that what I’m hearing?”
“Exactly, but just the professionally-made ones. Let me cite some of the more esoteric ones: ‘Who’s Laken Riley?’ and on the backside, ‘Illegal Immigrants Have Rights, Too.’ Here’s another one: ‘Think of Taxes as Paying Yourself.’”
“No backside?”
“Not on that one.”
“What are some of the crazier ones?”
“Well, now, we have the ‘George Floyd is Now an Angel’ and, of course, the old standard, ‘Orange Man Bad: Destroyer of Democracy.’”
“That’s pretty funny, carried by ANTIFA idiots, the very people who are fixing to destroy Democracy.”
“Isn’t it so? How about, ‘Renée Good & Alex Pretti United in Heaven.’”
“But wasn’t Renée Good a queer and Pretti nutsville?”
“As far as truth in posters goes, there is none.”
“And George Floyd a bully? Well, now, it looks to be an interesting and informative exhibit in your museum someday.”
“Thank you; I do my best.”
“And thank you for being on the show. There you have it, folks, strange jobs by our neighbors. This is your Pastor Dunkin wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.”
“Kind of a Drag” (2:02)
Pastor Dunkin