by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Mar. 30, 2025) — “Beauty School Drop Out” (4:00)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Our featured guest is John Peoples, a researcher for a university who survives by government grants. The title of the book, ‘The Theory of Stomach Osmosis Learning,’ is available wherever good books are sold. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“And thank you for giving me the opportunity to hawk my book.”
“For sure. That sounds like a pretty complicated title. I mean, what age group is the book focused on?”
“The book was written with the idea of receiving millions of taxpayer dollars.”
“So, no age group?”
“Are you kidding? No, the whole idea was to steal money for a good cause.”
“I see. Well, at least that was an honest answer. How much money are we talking about?”
“Not much, on par with ‘The Study of Transgender Goldfish’: $191 million.”
“Egads, that sounds like a lot of money.”
“Actually, it isn’t, not after everyone takes a slice. The biggest payoffs go to those who voted for it, not unlike sending money to Ukraine when members of Congress got paid the most first. Heck, by the time the money comes to me I just get a pittance.”
“How much of a pittance?”
“Seven million, but remember I had to come up with the idea, write the proposal and then write the book. Out of all of them, at least I worked for the theft, or the idea of helping the little kiddies learn how to read.”
“Learn how to read? How? How was your proposal written?”
“I just stated that our kids can’t read; heck, they can’t even recite the alphabet, so I figured maybe if they had a cup of alphabet soup before bedtime, they would learn that way, by osmosis through the stomach. Makes sense. At least I thought about doing good; think about that before you accuse me of any wrongdoing.”
“Oh, I’m not accusing anyone, believe me. I can see the merits of your idea. After all, if nothing else, the little kiddies get a cup of soup before bed.”
“And, I might add, what if it worked? You could count all the vowels and consonants, count all the periods, commas and page numbers and put them in a soup jar and serve a cup a night and before you know it little Travon just read ‘War and Peace.’”
“No, sorry, I’m not buying into that malarkey. I’ve heard a lot of off-the-wall nonsense in this job, but you just took the cake.”
“At least I’m trying to help the little kiddies learn to read.”
“I’m sure, just like collecting money to ‘Save the Whales.’ And that’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse.’ This is your Roving Reporter, along with taxpayer money scammer John Peoples, wishing each of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Speechless except to say Dems like to give money to scams like this. They fight DOGE that’s trying to save the taxpayers from having their money flushed for nonsense like the Goldfish and alphabet soup nonsense. Burger time: my treat.”
“Monday Morning Blues” (3:59)