Dept. of Protection from Alien Invasion (RR)

by Roving Reporter, ©2025

(Mar. 28, 2025) — “Never be You” (3:29)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. As you can see, we’re at the United Nations building in New York City about to waylay the Reserve Chief Executive Assistant to the Ambassador to the UN, Miss Anita Smith. Hello, Miss Smith, Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. Mind if I ask just went on in there?”

“No, not at all; go ahead and ask.”

“Just went on in there?”

“My father taught me to always look for the silver lining, so I did.”

“You mind expanding your answers a wee bit? I mean, we’ve only so much time.”

“Very well. My father always said that in a bad situation look for something worthwhile to glean from it, to be able to take away something worthwhile even though the situation may be catastrophic. Like maybe you get a flat tire so you decide to get a 12-volt compressor, or maybe you’re in a firefight and decide next time you’ll carry an extra canteen.”

“Makes sense; go on.”

“So, we have an inordinate amount of really stupid people. Call them Muslims or Dems, makes no difference; stupid is stupid. Denying women equal rights is cutting the brainpower of a society in half, and there’s just way too much danger on the planet earth to eliminate half of a given population from contributing to the survival of the species.”

“That was a mouthful, but what does that have to do what just took place in there?”

“Well, here’s the thought. Let’s say aliens want to invade us but they learned that the earth has billions of really stupid people so, rather than have to deal with them, they go and invade somewhere else.”

“And that’s what was discussed in there? Are you serious? Really?”

“Like I said, try and make something good out of something bad.”

“So, let me get this right. Dems are good to have around to, if nothing else, repel alien invasions? Is that what was discussed in there?”

“Yes, Dems and Muslims have been deemed to be beneficial. Really, it come down to those who hate the Constitution are good for keeping the alien invaders away.”

“Let me ask you this: do you have any proof that aliens have been repelled by the Muslims and the Dems?”

“Why, yes, we do. The mere fact that we haven’t been invaded is proof enough, wouldn’t you say?”

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in my life I’m speechless. Thank you, Miss Smith, for your time. This is your Roving Reporter, along with aforementioned Miss Smith, the head of the Department of Protection from Alien Invasion here at the United Nations, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Unbelievable. Anyplace to grab a burger around here?”

“Time Won’t Let Me” (2:45)

Roving Reporter