by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Mar. 27, 2025) — “Didn’t We” (3:14)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today we’re broadcasting from the ‘Old People Depot’ located in the town of Newcomb which is near the start of the Hudson River. We’re here to interview Jeb Nelson, who said he had a sad story to tell. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ Jeb, the most-watched information show in its time slot.”
“Hold your horses, sonny boy, and let me put my teeth in, followed by my hearing aid and glasses. There. Now would you pass over that walker, and I’ll tell you a sad tale out there on the veranda while we sit in the sun. Gotta warm up these old bones.”
“Alright, you nice and comfy? Good. What’s your sad story?”
“I used to be the sole supplier of television sets for Elvis Presley. He never bought one of anything, always multiples. Five shirts, six cars, four motorcycles; you get the picture, so when I sold him a TV set, he bought five, and then ten a week.”
“No way. Why so many? What’d he do with them?”
“Shoot ‘em is what he did. If he didn’t like what he saw, BANG! Whenever Robert Goulet was on, BANG! His trusty Colt .45 was the gun of choice: big bang and total destruction.”
“Well, that must’ve made you feel good. I mean, the more he’d shoot the more you’d make, right?”
“But he died young and that was it for me. No more selling television sets. Oh, I tried, but I couldn’t sell just one TV. Near the end of Elvis’s life, he’d order hundreds of TVs. At first, he had a Thompson submachine gun, see something he didn’t like, and let go and all of a sudden 30 TVs would be nothing but debris. But business really picked up when he got hold of a BAR, that’d be a Browning Automatic Rifle, 30-06 at 500 rounds a minute. He’d have 50 TVs on, same station, and when he saw something that ticked him off, he would pulverize them.”
“Unbelievable.”
“Okay, the TVs were stacked and lined up, and sometimes he wouldn’t shoot all of them at once; he’d just pick them off, one by one, or three and then five; see what I mean? And maybe not on the same day.”
“Yes, I understand. So, you couldn’t sell just one TV anymore. What did you do?”
“Quit; left; retired, and here I am. It was good while it lasted but my selling days died when Elvis died and that’s my sad story.”
“And if Elvis were alive today?”
“Obama, Hillary, Biden and Kamala all be responsible for thousands of destroyed TVs. The Fake News will be blown to smithereens. Late-night talk show hosts will be off the air. Dems would symbolically meet their Maker. Elvis would have a field day.”
“Well, Jeb, can’t say it hasn’t been fun because it sure as heck has. This is your Roving Reporter, along with Jeb, wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Thousands of TVs; imagine that. Got any burgers here?”
“Cable TV” (3:38)
Comments
One response to “Elvis Used to Shoot TVs (RR)”
And I used to troubleshoot CRT (Cathode Ray Tube) televisions for a living, both black ‘n’ white and color. I wonder if anyone advised Mr. Swivel-hips that the implosive action of the television viewing screen caused by a hot lead projectile could ricochet a deadly glass chard back onto his lap?
By the way, one of my brother-in-laws enjoyed his Browning tri-pod mounted 50 caliber machine gun so much that he blew-up many discarded porcelain commodes, but in a controlled and safe environment. Tracer rounds added to the overall effect. No one was harmed, because they all knew when to “get off the pot”.
Common theme between Elvis and my brother-in-law?: Both enjoyed firearms and both had dark, slicked-back hairstyles, common in the _ _50s.