by Roving Reporter, ©2025
(Feb. 13, 2025) — “Ask Me” (2:16)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. President Trump is moving so fast as to make our heads spin, so we asked Professor Wert to join us and maybe explain it all to us. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. I understand you’ve written a children’s book that explains life, is that correct?”
“Thank you for having me on your most popular information TV show, Roving. Yes, my book is for the little ones. Here, I’ll read the first few chapters for you:
“When all is said and done, we are bipedal dynamos, a part of a machine we call the ‘human race’ and, broken down further, consider ourselves a part of something bigger than our individual selves, such as ‘Shinto’ or ‘Christian.’ Further breakdown may render a person a ‘Freemason’ or a ‘Crypt.’ Another division may lead one to adhere to the ‘Flat Earth Society’ or the ‘Democratic Party,’ an organization which died the day JFK did. In short, each of us identifies with something bigger than our individual electrical device, an assembly of minerals and liquids that produce electrical impulses that move arms and jaw muscles along with thought. Some of our fellow earth-spaceship travelers are short-circuited through indoctrination processes or an actual physical accident, such as ‘United States Marine Boot Camp.’ Don’t get me wrong; we need young men to storm beaches, be they in the South Pacific or on a colony on Mars that was invaded by ‘Klingons.’
“Each of us attacks life in our own individual way, although some are off the charts to such a degree that they must be eliminated at all costs, such as ‘Pol Pot’ and ‘Ted Bundy.’ MS-13 members belong to the ‘Khmer Rouge’ faction; so does your common South Side Chicago street gang that controls the drug trade for four square blocks, the ‘Protection Racket’ that controls whole townships or your elected representative that controls whole zip codes.
“Chuck Schumer is a Jew who hates Israel; Mitch McConnell is a Republican who is more Democrat than Pocahontas. The world is so upside-down as to treat ‘transgender mental illness’ as normal, to allow illegal immigrants legal status, and to treat ‘Dreamers & DACAs’ as ‘students’ who have ‘extra–Constitutional’ rights above ours, and if we were to complain we would be facing 20 years in prison for having ‘racist tendencies.’
“The only known method to kill a ‘werewolf’ is by a silver bullet; the only known way to kill a ‘Vampire’ is by a wooden stake through its heart; and the only way to stop ‘Hamas’ is by a bunker buster.”
“That’s the opening for your children’s book?”
“I figure the approach of ‘throw them into the deep end and see if they swim’ was the best way to introduce them into our world; I mean, there’s no use beating around the bush, is there?”
“Well, no, but…”
“See? There’s more; care to hear it?”
“In for a dime, in for a dollar. Why not? But we must break for this short commercial.”
“Only You” (2:46)
“And we’re back with Professor Wert, who is going to share even more than his latest children’s book. Go ahead.”
“Thank you. This is from the chapter titled, ‘Surprise!’
“They say the only ‘germ-free’ place in our solar system is right in the center of the sun, that stuff like ‘Ebola’ and ‘Smallpox’ are only to be found in ‘Mad Dr. Fauci’ labs from China to Ukraine to California. Now if the littlest bug – a virus — doesn’t get you, the bigger ‘that you can see through a microscope’ ones will. Even bigger are the ‘Brown Recluse’ spider and the ‘Sidewinder Rattlesnake.’”
“Gee whiz, Professor Wert, what’re you tryin’ to do, scare them to death? You’re even scaring me.”
“Well, maybe you’re right, but the book has lots of pictures, too.”
“Yeah, right. Virus slide pictures taken with an electron microscope.”
“Some. One of a pouncing tiger, another of a saltwater crocodile.”
“I see. Any last words?”
“Want to stop any future October 7’s? You got to eliminate the cause.”
“Bunker bust?”
“And plenty of them; as many as it takes.”
“Alright, this is your Roving Reporter, along with Professor Wert, wishing our loyal viewers, listeners and viewers, a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”