by Roving Reporter, ©2023
(Sep. 30, 2023) — “The Sweetest Thing (I’ve Ever Known)” (4:07)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. This afternoon the metal detector went off in the entrance to our building and our security guard, a 12-year-old Collie, barked. It wasn’t the flashing lights and the siren that got our attention as much as Candy. You see, Candy considers herself ‘retired.’ No more chasing balls, no more catching the Frisbee, and no more barking unless some calamity is about to fall, and she was right.
“I scooted down to see what the commotion was and there was this weasel of a man holding a gun on the dog that was still in the reclining position on her very comfortable ‘My Pillow’ dog bed. She was barking without lifting her head; talk about efficiency. I turned off the siren and the flashing lights and asked the guy what’s the deal with the gun. He said he was an IRS agent come to look at our books. I asked him if he had an appointment. No, I don’t have an appointment. Do you have a warrant? No, no warrant. Did you take the ‘Clot Shot’? Yes. Then get the heck out of here before I sic the dog on you. We don’t want your kind around here: Shedders. How do we know you’re not ‘shedding’ ‘Clot Shot’ stuff? Out. O-U-T.
“Of course I kissed the morning’s work goodbye. It was like at a construction site: an ambulance pulls up and all work stops. Every trade is curious on who got hurt, why they got injured and can we expect OSHA to come snooping around. You want to slow a job site down, then follow every darn safety regulation set forth since the Civil War.
“On the way out the door the armed IRS agent asked if we were all ‘vaccine-hesitant,’ at which time all of us communicated with him by sign language. And that was my first 15 minutes at the office today. Okay, now that I got that out of the way let’s get to our first guest, Miss Linda Camp, who is a professor of ethics at one of the top Christian schools, not only in our country, but anywhere. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ Miss Camp.”
“Thank you for inviting me. Glad to be here; I’ve been reading your transcripts in ‘The P&E’ for some time and totally agree with your platform on keeping America first. And I’m especially grateful for telling the truth about the bums who have entered our country since even before 9-11. There used to be a short film about Islam that you hyperlinked which I thought was really good. The film exclusively quoted from the Quran backed up by film footage and I’ve used it in my classroom to much effect.”
“Oh, that’s right: Fitna. I’ll hyperlink it now. So, you teach ‘ethics.’ I would have thought a course in ethics would have gone by the wayside as a course in ‘slide rule.’”
“Yes, I get that all the time and then along came Trump [‘Justice for All’ (2:24)], who put our country first and made the teaching of ethics a viable course. Before Trump [’81 Million Votes, My A**’ (3:13)], all you had was payoffs and kickbacks. You see, Trump [‘Try That in a Small Town’ (3:00)] couldn’t be bought, bribed, threatened or blackmailed, and the Deep State couldn’t stand it. They couldn’t hack somebody being honest for once. Do you know that had Ron DeSantis kept his mouth shut he’d be a shoo-in for the 2028 presidency, and if Hillary hadn’t denied giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants and supported building the wall at our southern border, she would’ve been elected president, but some people just can’t be honest no matter what. It’s quite amazing to behold, isn’t it, though?”
“That it is, for sure. Please excuse us while we take a short commercial break. Be right back.”
“Laugh Laugh” (3:01)
“And we’re back with Miss Linda Camp who is a Professor of Ethics. By the way, what is an ‘ethic?’”
“An ‘ethic’ is a rule or set of rules in which a society governs itself without laws or force. Used to be a handshake would ‘seal-the-deal’ and then somebody got greedy and that was the start of the overabundance of lawyers. You know the USA has more lawyers than all the other countries combined? Justice is big business here in the United States.”
“So much for the handshake.”
“Sad but true.”
“What about ‘cash on the barrelhead?’”
“Cash talks; always has. Can’t do any better than cash; maybe filmed with a signed receipt and save the pen.”
“Can’t trust anybody these days, can you?”
“No, you can’t. Watch ‘Antiques Roadshow’ and you’ll be surprised at all the fakes out there. To be ‘ethical’ is to be taken at your word, and there’s no better gauge of respect than to be taken at your word. If Joe Biden said, ‘I’ll pay you back’ compared with Trump’s [‘Trump Won’ (3:30)], ‘I’ll pay you back,’ which one would you believe? Both? None? Or maybe just Trump. Moral of the story is, ‘Don’t waste your vote.’”
“I see. Do you use any passages from books that you use in your class?”
“I use every passage that is attributed to Jesus for examples of truth and therefore ethical. And as far as ‘ethics,’ it doesn’t take much of an imagination to determine the difference between ‘Do good works’ and ‘Slay the Jew and Christian wherever Ye may find them,’ one statement being ‘ethical’ and the other not so much.”
“So, what’s the bottom line? Is there one?”
“Yes, there is a bottom line, and it is as simple as can be: the Golden Rule. And this is how I teach the Golden Rule in my class. I ask each person in the class what would they do if they found a hand grenade. I ask them to imagine that they are a Buddhist, a Hindu, and every imaginable religion and political persuasion imaginable. And that’s how I teach ethics. You either have it or you don’t.”
“Interesting.”
“Picture the universe with billions of galaxies, billions and billions of stars and untold number of life forms. Picture each life form having what we call a ‘soul.’ Picture a ‘soul’ billions of years old occupying a living thing today. Consider, if you will, that you were born an ant, or maybe a perch, perhaps a horse or a human. You act within your parameters. We as humans are limited to what we can build but not to how we act towards our fellow creatures, be they other than human or even human. Each of us is given the opportunity to think for ourselves and to choose what path to take in life, to be treated as we would wish to be treated whether we are a horse or a fellow human. We wouldn’t expect a human to torture an animal any more than an animal would torture us, although I find it somewhat difficult to be nice to yellowjackets.”
“Go on.”
“The point is that souls are forever, and they can travel through the universe from one end to the other faster than a blink of an eye. Do souls retain knowledge? We haven’t speculated that far into the ‘Soul Theory.’ Suffice it to say, make the most of your life rather than waste it chasing riches, fame, or favor by violating the Golden Rule; it just isn’t worth it. And that’s what I teach.
“Interesting for sure. We’ll pause for a commercial; don’t go anywhere.”
“Levan Polka” (2:37)
“Here we are with our last guest, Miss Sandy Wolf, the CEO of the movement called, ‘The Last Straw,’ a grassroots organization that has really taken root. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most- watched…”
“Glad to be here. Your last guest had a rather interesting take on what’s known as the ‘life force,’ didn’t she? ‘The Last Straw’ promotes home schooling where kids are taught the ‘Three Rs, but that’s not why I came on your show. I’m here to give our men and women in blue permission to pull their weapons and go ahead and shoot the bad guys with the motto, ‘YOU LOOT, WE SHOOT’ and don’t just say it; do it. You riot, we shoot. You whine about George Floyd and burn buildings, we shoot. You break something, you make restitution and then we shoot.”
“Okay, I think you made your point.”
“I don’t think so. What’s the use of carrying a gun if you’re not allowed to use it for what it was designed for: shoot the bad guys. The Good Book says, ‘Thou shall not steal.’ And that’s what I wanted to say. Bye.”
“And off she goes. I got a story for you, a true story that just happened. So, my wife wanted a new stove, or I guess I should say a replacement for the one she has. Not a new stove, but a good used one from craigslist, so I find exactly what she wanted for $400, and they’ll deliver. She says no. The next day the price is down to $300 but we’ll have to pick up, 80 miles round trip. She says offer them $250, which I did, and they counter with $275, which what any reasonable human being would expect. She says no. So, I tell her, fine, then you do it.
“And she does, and this is what she did. She found a stove 75 miles away for $325. Okay, fine, she’ll pick it up. Did I tell you I got a Silverado that gets 17 mpg? And on the way back she calls and tells me that the stove fell and broke the oven door glass. I asked her if she tied it down; she said she put a bungee cord around it. Hit a bump, stove fell and destroyed the $200 front glass panel. Years ago, Dean Vernon Wormer gave me the perfect line [‘Fat, Drunk, and Stupid’ (0.06)], but I kept my mouth shut. Two out of three, to be truthful. Don’t worry, she doesn’t read my stuff. I asked her why and says, why bother, it’s all I hear nonstop every day.
“And that’ll do it. Thanks for watching or reading as the case may be: Goodnight.
“Good show. I’m grabbing a burger and you’re welcome to join: my treat.”
“She Belongs to Me” (2:48)
Roving Reporter