The Elephants in the Room

by Thomas Reiner, ©2023

(Aug. 23, 2023) — Republicans are often symbolized as Elephants which are known for being happy, wise and steadily moving forward trunk to tail, in a proud single unified line. They protect their young and each other as they majestically march in lockstep up the mountainside.  Their only known predator is the Tiny Blue Jackass, aka the Leftist Democrat. Researchers from the fabled mountain city of Topcrest, Arizona have discovered that there are several new Elephant subspecies which threaten extinction of the entire Elephant in the Room species. 

RINO Elephant (Stationary Getalongus):  These are mostly older pachyderms who are resistant to a changing world.  When surrounded and threatened by a pack of Tiny Blue Jackasses, they have a tendency to flip over on their sides, signaling submission, in order to survive and feed for another day.  Once in power, they simply lie down and don’t do anything. They don’t realize that the “Good Ole Days” are simply the “Ole Days.”  They are to be avoided and mistrusted by the main Herd.

GOP Elephant (Country Clubus Eliter):  These are rare in the fabled city of Topcrest and are mostly found in the Eastern power centers of Washington, DC and New York.  This is the oldest known Elephant subspecies. They are rich and powerful, but they are known to only hang around amongst themselves, mostly in Country Clubs with golf clubs held tightly in their trunks.  These are quite dangerous, but they don’t hide their desire for power and control, making them easily identifiable.

Jackass Elephant (Duplicitous Shapeshifter):  These elephants have the most interesting survival strategy.  Their desire for power is on the same level as the GOP, but they are known to get protection from congregating with and obtaining sustenance from the Tiny Blue Jackass, which has a strategy of fomenting a  fictional problem or creating a crisis in order to “solve” it.  The Jackass has learned to do exactly the same which causes the greatest division amongst the Herd.  The unintended consequence of the Jackass’s learned behavior will be the explosion of the Tiny Blue Jackass population which will eventually overthrow all Elephants in the Room and dominate the fabled city of Topcrest.

Judas Elephant (Mendacious Backstabber):  This is perhaps the most dangerous Elephant, although rare in Topcrest.  The Judas thrives by hiding behind lies and deceit.  It will knowingly lie directly to the trunk of other Elephants, while convincing itself that it is telling the truth.  It is known to abandon other Elephants who they claim to love and even had once nurtured them to lead the pack.  The only love that the Judas has is for the Judas itself.  Its main survival strategy is to hide in plain sight pretending to be a friend to all Elephants.  It is not a friend.

Conservative Elephant (Reaganus Trumpeter):  This is the greatest subspecies and the only hope for the continued survival of all Elephants in the Room.  Once considered rare, it is growing in number yet remains in competition for survival with the other subspecies lining up to battle against it.  The Conservative believes in maximum power to the individual Elephant as well as that many smaller Herds are better than one monolithic lumbering Herd.  The Conservative is a magnificent animal that protects the weak while empowering the individual Elephant.  The Conservative Elephant will stand up to any threat, especially those posed by any Tiny Blue Jackass.

It has been observed by researchers that there is substantial inbreeding amongst all elephant subspecies with the exception of the Conservative Elephant who never weakens its genetic strain.  There has also been a recorded rise in the number of Tiny Blue Jackasses whose main goal is to put all Elephants in the Room into either a zoo or a museum.  The future of the Elephant is uncertain at this time due to the infighting of the subspecies.  The best hope for survival is the dominance of the Conservative Elephant.  If that should fail, the only alternative is the creation of a new species:  the Independent Thunderer.