The “Select Committee to Investigate the January 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol” convenes on June 16, 2022

From: Chris Cirino
Date: June 18, 2022 at 10:18:18 AM EDT
To: joekahn@nytimes.com
Cc: agsulzberger@nytimes.com, editorial@nytimes.com, cnn.tips@protonmail.com
Subject: We Need More “INSURRECTION “ Coverage!

Good day Joey Kahn,

I trust you are settling into your new position as the Executive Editor at the iconic New York Times.  I see you have picked up right where Deano Baquet left off, with the highly moral, and honest reporting that The Times is legendary for.  While the installed leader Joey Robinette has been busy promoting his vast accomplishments; the radical right is on a mission to denigrate all the great things this truly charismatic, fantastic decision maker has accomplished.  Despicable, right Kahny?  The nerve!  But first we have to address the INSURRECTION issue.

The Insurrection Must Remain The Focal Point!

Thank goodness for such journalistic and media professional’s such as The Times, CNN, WAPO, MSNBC, and even the major networks, for making the INSURRECTION, their primary news coverage.  Obviously, this is what a vast majority of the general population is most concerned about these days.  Let me give you a couple of personal experiences, regarding this very matter.

Recently, I attended a large BBQ with neighbors and friends, and the hot topic was of course the INSURRECTION.  When I made a small mention of the ever increasing gas prices, all quests turned and responded in unison….”what about the INSURRECTION, don’t you care about our democracy!”  Obviously, I realized that I spoke out of turn, so I immediately turned and left in disgrace.

Then recently, my paperboy came to collect for the week.  So, I answered the door and asked him how him and his folks were doing?  They will be moving as his Father lost his business due to the Plandemic, and now because the crushing inflation and labor costs.  They can no longer afford their house payments so they have to move, before they are foreclosed on.  Well, little Johnny rather indignantly said, ”we are not concerned about that, we are just focusing on the INSURRECTION!”  He added, “what is wrong with you, don’t you care about our democracy; are you one of those radical right wingers?”  I despondently said goodbye, as Johnny kicked over my mailbox and screamed that I was a racist!

Finally, in New York City recently, I understand a young woman commuter was flung in front of a subway train (common place these days), by a mentally ill individual.  Others quickly rushed to her aid, but I couldn’t believe what happened next.  I’m told, as a subway train was barreling towards her, she stood up in the middle of the tracks screaming, “why isn’t there more coverage of the INSURRECTION?”   Finally, an individual jumped down and scooped her up, bringing her to safety.  The woman responded by kicking and slapping this hero, saying, “ you must be a Trump supporter, you fascist.”  Word is they reached out to Barack Hussein about the attack, and he commented, “if I had a son”…..so poignant.

We Need More Coverage Obviously

May I make some suggestions Kahny?  Why not have all the TV’s and radios signals jammed to only shout about the INSURRECTION,24/7.  I don’t know, say until the first week In November, as an arbitrary date.  Then, maybe get a hold of Georgie boy Soros and have him organize some of his paid protesters.  They could go door to door and ring peoples doorbell’s. When they open the door, they could just scream ISURRECTION!  Now if the people nod their head in agreement, they would give them a pass.   If they shake their heads in disagreement or shut the door in their faces; the protesters could burn their house down …….after taking the valuables of course (a standard, mostly peaceful protest procedure).  See, win win.

Honorable Nancy

I have to compliment the lovely Chardonnay Pelosi on her assembling the 1/6 committee.  I don’t think she could have gotten a more objective, reputable group of honest politicians.   Is there anyone more unbiased and trustworthy, in all of politics than Adam Schiff?

What is it, that these extreme right wing zealots are yelling about?  They nitpick about frivolous, minor details.  For instance they point out that Chardonnay broke from a 232 year old rule that permits the house minority leader to appoint 2 members of his choosing, to sit on said committee. To you know, keep things a bit fair and balanced. So, instead the always impartial Chardonnay appointed 2 members who are vehemently anti-Trump.  I speak of unbiased, Lizzy Cheney and Adam Kinzinger.  Conservatives point out that this Kangaroo court is a travesty of justice, the integrity of the entire committee is a national embarrassment, something you might see in third world country.

You Can’t Blame Ole Chardonnay

Yep, you really can’t blame Nancy for the way she “assembled,” these seekers of justice.  I understand that ole Chardonnay used to babysit Judge Roland Freisler, when she was in college, back in the 1920’s.  This was way before she met Big Pauly Pelosi; the expert stock timing guru, just not too good a driver, I am told.  But I digress, it seems ole Chardonnay picked up Judge Freisler’s methodology of selecting fair unbalanced justices, and holding court.  For those who don’t know, Judge Freisler was the judge who presided over the people who attempted to assassinate the madman Adolf Hitler, in July of 1944.    I suggest anyone not familiar with this to go online, and research it.  The parallels between the two are uncanny. Except, I believe Judge Frisler’s court was a bit more fair and balanced.   I understand Chardonnay (self proclaimed devout Catholic), is in the process of ordering a large portion of piano wire for the hangings.  But first, she wants to give Big Pauly a heads up, so he can make a killing in the market first. Calls to Big Pauly went unheeded, as he was a at a portrait studio getting his mug shot touched up.   No, not the one from when he was 16 years old and killed his brother recklessly driving; this one is in regards to his recent DUI………..soon to be dismissed, along with the arresting officer.

The Hits just Keep on Coming for Joey

Yes, it looks like little Joey is really hitting his stride in the accomplishments department.  I actually don’t know where to start due to the sheer volume of milestones under his astute leadership.

I’ll never know why Barack Hussein said, “never underestimate Joe’s ability to F*** things up. Sadly, many conservatives, independents and yes even some democrats are calling Talibiden: inept, incompetent, corrupt, mentally unstable, treasonous, a pathological liar, intellectually unfit, arrogant, an embarrassment to our country…..just to name a few.   I personally don’t see that, how about you Joey Kahn?  Let’s look a little bit at his record, to prove those naysayers wrong.

-inflation….ah, we better skip that one
-securing our border…..well, that is not really a good choice either
-rectifying our supply chain issue……..well we can’t really blame him, I believe Petey Buttigieg may still be on maternity leave.
-keeping babies nourished……..that would be another pass
-putting an end to Covid (campaign promise)……….well, not so much
-401k’s increasing in value…….definitely, definitely skip this one
-and of course, unifying the country, just like Barrack Hussein……. again, I think we should take a pass on that one.

Where’s the Media?

Oddly the coverage of all of these topics at your tabloid, is either omitted or at best minuscule. Aren’t you in charge of what goes into print over there at Pravda, I mean The NY Times, Joey Kahn?

Ah, you’re probably still picking out drapes for the corner office.  Maybe reach out to Kamala, I think she is still in the process of redecorating.  Hence why she has accomplished zero tasks assigned to her.  By the way, where is she lately?  Last I saw, she was on some milk cartons. We’ll just wait for a perceived racial injustice by a conservative……….and she will magically appear.

Well, these are just a few Kahny, there must be something we can come up with …….oh yeah, President Trump is a racist.  I called the White House to see if Bidenflation had a retort, but he was already leaving early this Friday for one of his trademark 3 day weekends to the beach estate.  He wanted to get there in time for the kickball game with the other neighborhood kids. He attempted to answer some questions from the press before leaving, but his nurse/handler “Dr.” Jill grabbed the installed POTUS’s arm and said, “we have to get going.”  Someone had to do it, the Easter Bunny was reportedly unavailable. Those 3 hour, 4 day work weeks can take a toll you know, he needs the rest.

AFL-CIO Fairytale

Conservatives ask, if you happened to see Beijing Biden pointing his finger, pounding the podium and yelling, while he told his little fable that none of the problems facing American are his fault; while addressing AFL-CIO membership in Philadelphia.  Some said that, all that was missing was the tiny mustache and armband (word is those are in the works).  Mary Garland is heading that project, while simultaneously heading the task force interviewing the person who sold Joey’s troubled daughter Ashley’s diary.  Something in regards to unorthodox showering practices.  Does the KGB, I mean the FBI normally get involved with missing diaries now?  That must explain why they didn’t have the resources to investigate allegations of voter fraud……understandable.

The New Minister of Propaganda

Hey Kahny, what do you think of the new minister of propaganda Mini-Me Pierre. Isn’t she cute as a button!   She is not as polished of a liar that former press secretary Jenny Goebbels Psaki was, but give her time.  In the meantime, she can just read the same scripted replies from her ginormous tabbed binder.  I love hearing the fable about “Putin’s price hike,” several times during the Q&A.  Why not save time and just hand out the binders to the reporters, then she could meet her wife who works for CNN for lunch; just cut out the middle man.  What is the conflict of interest, that these radical right wingers speak about?  

Propaganda Machine

Well Kahny, I think you may already be better at “reporting,” than your predecessor Deano Baquet (minority champion, who now lives in the highly non-diverse hamlet of Larchmont California).  Now, get those shoes on, put down your CCP cup, and get off your office floor Kahny, it’s time to get to work!  Of course I’m referring to your recent photo shoot, fantastic idea.   Remember The NY Times mantra, printing “all the news that is fit to print.”  Ya know Kahny, I still can’t say that ……without busting out laughing.  Talk to you soon buddy.

Sincerely,
Chris Cirino

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