by Roving Reporter, ©2022
(Apr. 3, 2022) — “Cinnamon Cider” (2:04)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today we’re meeting with Pedro, a major uniform contractor for our armed forces. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. I understand that the military will soon require that a FULL DRESS UNIFORM will actually be some sort of dress; am I understanding that correctly?”
“First of all, thank you for having me on your popular show. I know for a fact that ‘Pulse’ is the talk of the water cooler here at the Pentagon, especially whenever you have ‘Zork’ talking about PTSD. Now as far as the requirements go for the new uniforms, my bid was keeping the uniforms intact and just pulling on an elastic-waist tutu: green for the Marines, navy blue for the Navy, sky blue for the Air Force and white with orange trim for our Coast Guard.”
“By ‘Zork’ you are referring to our eminent shrink, Professor Zorkophsky. I see your brochure has some amazing photographs of your product at Boot Camp graduating ceremonies if you are awarded the contract, which will, no doubt, be in the millions.”
“Hundreds of millions.”
“For sure. I especially liked the one for the Marines. By the way, do I detect silver sequins? Is that an extra?”
“No, not an extra. It has been my suggestion that we include an assortment of different- colored sequins with every tutu.”
“But why?”
“So the wearer can more easily express themselves, that’s why. Here, turn to page 2 of the brochure: Marines marching proudly at their Boot Camp graduation wearing the tutu sparkled with silver sequins. Now don’t tell me that isn’t inspiring.”
“How many competing bidders are there?”
“Only one, so we should be a shoe-in. The other bidder has a Velcro strap while we have elastic, so I think we’ll get it.”
“Well, I guess we’ll be wishing you good luck, I think. So, this is about the ‘CLOT SHOT’ and this inclusiveness nonsense; diminish our military even more than the Afghanistan fiasco?”
“Yes, which is good for my business. If I get the bid I’ll also offer a ‘working tutu’: camouflage for the Marines, life preserver for the Navy, and parachute for the Air Force.”
“What about the Coast Guard?”
“No change.”
“Well, thank you for agreeing to be our guest, Pedro. By the way, do you make our military’s uniforms in sweat shops? Little kids and women working 12-hour days?”
“But of course; I, too, must get paid for my hard work.”
“See you later. Let’s break for a commercial and we’ll be back with one of the paratroopers from upstate New York.”
“Worth the Listen” (4:41)
“And we’re back with Joe, but that’s not your real name, is it?”
“No, but you can call me Kenny.”
“Okay, Kenny, what have you got for us?”
“Maryland is almost as deranged as New York and New Jersey. Lots of crazy people walking around with masks; it’s scary is what it is, like being in a scene of ‘The Walking Dead.’ Did I say walking around outside? While hiking in the park? Mowing the lawn wearing a mask?”
“Can you tell me your targets and when are you going to strike?”
“I’ll tell you this: if you suffer from ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome,’ watch the Fake News and got the ‘CLOT SHOT,’ you may be visited by us.”
“Why bother with people who got vaxxed?”
“Spike proteins will give you a heart attack while driving a car just as well as sitting in your easy chair, is the point. Face it, COVID is big, BIG money. Very big money and nobody cares about the consequences.”
“Consequences?”
“Dead people. Like Governor Cuomo withholding Ivermectin so the patients are assured to die. In any other setting that’s called murder, but in New York it’s just another day at the office. One last thought, if I may?”
“By all means.”
“Repeal the ‘Patriot Act’ and fire ‘Dr. Death’ (Anthony Fauci), then throw him in jail where he can’t do the world any more harm.”
“Well, Kenny, it’s been real and so now we’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”
“To Be Alone With You” (2:07)
Roving Reporter