by Roving Reporter, ©2022
(Mar. 31, 2022) — “My Woman, My Woman, My Wife” (3:31)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today we’re at the ‘Lost Pond Trail’ here at ‘Gunpowder Falls State Park’ in Maryland waylaying hikers as they trek by; here comes a couple now. Hello, Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the most-watched information show in its time slot. My name is Roving and I’d like to ask you a few questions, if I may?”
“Hello, Mr. Roving; we know who you are. Used to watch you on television but nowadays we read you out loud to our pet cat, ‘Katherina.’ This is my wife Jill and I’m Jim.”
“Pleased to meet you, I’m sure. Mind if I ask you what you do for a living?”
“I’m an insurance salesman and my wife is a security guard.”
“A security guard? What do you guard?”
“I stay at home and guard the house while Jim is out selling insurance. Now before you ask, what do you think is going to happen with all those unvetted Muslims from Afghanistan and from every other sand dune in the Middle East and who-knows-who are streaming across our southern border? Carjackings, rapes, child molestation, murder and home invasions are rising exponentially, in case you didn’t know. The Fake News doesn’t report the news anymore; they just report what the government tells them to report.”
“So how is the insurance business? Sounds rather boring, if you ask me.”
“You’re the one asking the questions, so I’ll tell you. Not so good under Trump because people were calm and complacent, but Biden has got everyone’s blood pressure sky high so people are concerned — no, let me rephrase that: people are downright scared, so my product is selling like hotcakes.”
“Excuse me if I sound stupid, but I’m confused. What are you selling, heath insurance? life insurance? What is it?”
“None of the above: I’m selling what we call in the industry ‘a done deal.’ I sell ‘Hostage Insurance’ and I’m doing very well, thank you very much. I used to sell on the road – you know, making house calls after calling the day before to set up the appointment: hard way to make a living, on commission. But now things are looking up, believe you me.”
“In what way?”
“Well, first I have my own office and regular hours; no more driving down strange roads at night. Second, evenings and weekends off.”
“Explain what this ‘Hostage Insurance’ is, if you would, please.”
“More than glad to. It all started January 6 when there was an insurrection by Biden-Harris, but they lied and started to kidnap people willy-nilly and throw them in the ‘Gulag‘ — you know, the Washington, DC, jail where a bunch of sadistic low-IQ government employees make their captive lives miserable. You know who should be locked up? The judges and the guards, that’s who.”
“So, you sell insurance policies against government snatches?”
“You bet your sweet daisies. I sell at a minimum 12 policies a day, five days a week. The money is good, but what’s even better is that my customers are 100% satisfied. Let’s say the government says you’re an insurrectionist because you drove by the Capitol ten years ago and threw you in the Gulag; no charges*; no trial, just as in real life. Well, that’s when the ‘Hostage Insurance’ kicks in so you don’t lose your house and everything else. We sign you up for Welfare and Food Stamps and make sure your kids are tutored properly, plus give the wife cash money – a thousand a week — to meet expenses like electric and water.”
“Wow, that sounds fair enough. Is it expensive?”
“Not at all. Here’s my card; give me a call and my secretary will make an appointment for you.”
“Are there any restrictions, like what if I work for the government?”
“Look, the government will turn on its own just as fast as they’ll throw innocent civilians in the slammer. No, we deny none.”
“Well, Jim and Jill, thank you for talking with us; I’m sure our audience learned a lot. And now, on behalf of our guests, this is your Roving Reporter wishing all of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Anyplace around here to get a decent burger? My treat.”
[*Charges: future historians will write that the darkest day of the Republic is when innocent Americans were incarcerated without charges or trial, just arbitrarily thrown in the clink without rhyme nor reason. They will also correctly identify the real insurrectionists: Biden-Harris with Chief Justice Roberts and the Joint Chiefs of Staff going along for the ride, which goes to show who has the lack of integrity.]
“I Threw it All Away” (2:24)
Roving Reporter