From: Chris Cirino
Date: March 8, 2022 at 6:59:00 AM EST
Cc: email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Oil Outrage
Good day Deano,
I hope today finds you well at your desk, as the Executive Editor of the iconic New York Times. It seems as though the entire world is spinning out of control with bad news these days. That is why I turn to your ever honest and trustworthy tabloid to get all your unbiased news reporting. I must say I am disappointed that your news coverage of the INSURRECTION is down to only 2/3 articles a day versus the usual 9/10. I know we may be on the brink of WWIII (with nuclear weapons), but come on Deano, let’s not lose focus on the INSURRECTION. Again, not the real one on November 3, 2020; the fabricated one on January 6, 2021. But I digress, shall we take a look at what’s in the news lately, Deano old sport?
Joey: Our Fearless Leader
Well, day after day the news seems to get worse by the hour, over in the war ravaged Ukraine. The only bright spot is the man fighting these atrocities, our esteemed leader Joey Robinette. Conservatives, evidently don’t feel the same way Deano. They insist that Joey Robinette Talibiden, has consistently led from behind. He and his cast of inept, corrupt clowns are constantly slow walking policies, while this madman runs amok in the Ukraine.
After threats of sanctions and even sending the expert negotiator Heels Up Harris to set policy, it seems that tragically, those tactics failed miserably. Which I have to say Deano was shocking, after Kalamity’s rousing success at the southern border. Next, we set these sanctions in place, AFTER the invasion or minor incursion (as little Joey likes to call it). Well, so far that is a big swing and a miss. Next, Beijing Biden set his sights on seizing oligarchs yachts. This seemed like a fantastic plan: As refugees are being slaughtered, mostly women and children, and city after city are destroyed……I say go after people’s pleasure ships…….seems reasonable. Sadly, another swing and a miss by the head of the Biden crime family. It seems Joey and his highly incompetent cabinet are running out of ideas of what to do? Hmmmmm, any ideas Deano?
This Might Help
As usual, the unhinged right wingers are throwing some preposterous ideas out there champ. This one is truly absurd but, let’s take a look. Conservatives are screaming from the rooftops- shut down the import of Russian oil! I know, this is news to you too Deano, as there is barely a mention of this in Pravda, I mean your NY Times. It seems we are STILL importing over 600,000 barrels a day from ole madman Vlad. Something to the tune of $22,000,000 a day. On second thought, this may have a bigger impact on Putin’s genocide, than, you know, grabbing some boats. President Trump is a racist!
Pelosi the Patriot
Well, it seems this idea is gaining a bit of steam Deano. Even that truly bipartisan patriot, Chardonnay Pelosi is saying it is now on the table, and this option is being “considered.” Ole Nanc, always putting party affiliation behind the good of the country and more importantly, the world. It sort of brings a tear to your eye, her sincerity that is. No doubt this policy will be attached to a scaled down Build Back Better fiasco. What’s a few more refugees being annihilated, so that we can get some windmills and amnesty for illegal aliens…..what’s not to like?
Joey’s Digging in
Well, so far Joey Bidenflation is standing firm. Believe me, the man is not the mentally addled, corrupt monster the evil right portrays him as. He is so upset with what is going on, he said he may not head to Delaware for one of his upcoming 3 day getaways. We couldn’t get him to commit to which weekend though. What’s the rush radical right? When reporters pressed him for comment about oil, down in Delaware during his latest junket: Sitting on his porch in a rocking chair, sparkler in one hand, s’more in the other, while wearing his trademark aviators and propeller hat he said, “stupid question….you stupid son of a b****h!” “Dr.” Jill reportedly rushed Joey indoors, while Joey protested saying, “no fair, the other kids don’t have to go in yet!” Reportedly, “Dr.” Jill had tears in her eyes.
Liberals Point out Joey has Done a Ton in Regards to Oil Policy
– On his very first day, he shut down the Keystone XL Pipeline Project, with one of his ubiquitous executive orders (a few short years ago, Joey Robinette said, “this is how dictators rule.”) Ah, what a difference a couple of years makes.
– He then refused to let oil companies drill on federal land and water. While making ridiculous lease demands for drilling on private land. This was also done on Brandon’s first day. Bravo!
– He now has put sanctions on the Nord Steam II pipeline from Russia. As a side note, this pipeline is not completed and not transporting oil yet. As a bigger side note, elected President Trump had these sanctions in place before the insurrection on November 3, 2020. Again, when Joey was installed, he removed these sanctions. Now, Liberals are claiming these decisive sanctions show such strength and resolve………really Deano?
Conservatives say this installed puppet has declared war on fossil fuel companies. Well, actually his handlers have declared war. As a result, we have to rely on OPEC and war criminals to supply our oil. So, we contribute to genocide and have the highest average gallon of gas price since July 2008, at $4.17 for Americans….another win-win for the corrupt, feeble minded, treasonous fraud. We have to get people in those electric cars, one way or the other! Word is, his inept cast of characters are now begging Venezuela, Iran and OPEC for oil. Fantastic strategy, begging foreign countries for oil, when we were energy independent just 14 months ago. Conservatives do say, Lying Biden gets great marks, if he is in fact, purposely trying to destroy the United States. Word is though, he is outraged that fleeing refugees in Ukraine are not wearing masks, and he is thinking of issuing a mandate over in Ukraine. We reached out to “Dr.” Fraudci, just to confirm the science and all, but he evidently is MIA lately.
Average Americans are swimming in debt due to Joey’s runaway inflation. This is in addition to 401k retirement accounts plummeting, supply chain shortages creating havoc, and out of control violent crime, etc, etc.
Plus, an ill advised revival of the 2015 nuclear arms deal with Iran. This was brokered originally by his mentor Barry Soetoro aka Barack Hussein, the original “great unifier.” Joey and the gang thought they could keep this one out of the headlines, with all the carnage going on overseas. In addition, Russia is brokering that deal on our behalf. Now doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy, and more importantly safe! That’s Joey, keeping America last.
It seems WNBA star, Brittney Griner, has been arrested for drug paraphernalia found in her luggage. She is now facing 19 years in a Russian prison. Liberal lawmakers here are worried Putin will use her as leverage and hold her hostage. Others point out, if the charges are in fact true, and she did in fact commit a crime, she would be a prisoner, not a hostage. They also find it ironic that the country whose national anthem she refused to honor (she always remained in the locker room), she now needs that same country, to defend her………yep, sort of ironic.
Prayers for Joy
Well, if it hasn’t been a bad enough year already for the lovely Joy Behar. First, the plandemic stalled her trip to Italy. Then next, the human suffering and carnage in the Ukraine has postponed her trip once again, how infuriating! Now to add insult to injury, it seems the vivacious Joy is apparently having trouble navigating sitting down. It seems she fell on her derrière on live TV as she attempted the taxing job of sitting down on a chair. Co-hosts ran to her aid, saying they all do this, all the time. Has sitting down become that difficult lately Deano? Some are even drawing parallels to Joey, when he fell repeatedly trying to walk up a set of airplane steps. Conservatives are saying: That display, could be the best symbolic image to best describe the first 14 months of this incompetent installed puppets run, as well as his entire political career.
Until Next Time
Well Deano, that’s it for today. Maybe next time we could address the queen of word salad, the honorable Heels Up Harris. I understand she will be trekking across the pond again, to straighten things out over there. That should be a slam dunk, we can rest easy. I am not sure if Willie Brown will be accompanying her to these strategic sessions, no word from her staff on this. Maybe, she could ease the mood with one of her lilting, deranged laughs? I’ll let you get back to “printing the news that’s fit to print,” over at the Old Gray Lady. You and your staff exude journalistic integrity in every article. Keep up the great work at your tabloid, your journalism ranks right up there with CNN and the National Inquirer. Just remember Deano, fraudulent elections have consequences! Sometimes catastrophe ones!