by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2022
(Jan. 27, 2022) — “Victory at Sea Theme” (0:57)
US NAVY Frigate maintaining Condition 3* on routine patrol.
“Sailing in the Philippine Sea, actually in the Luzon Strait, one fine day, the skipper called for ‘Landing Party #1,’ another one of those Navy jokes: the nearest land you couldn’t even guess where it was, so it had to be some kind of floating object, anywhere from a life- preserver to a cargo ship. So I hustled down to the armory and picked up my FN-M240**, one heck of a nice weapon, but it had its drawbacks. The biggest was that whoever carried it was, by general consensus, the target; excuse me, I mean to say the target as I found out early on, like on my first ‘Landing Party’ excursion.
“Flashback couple of years ago, off the coast of Iran. One of our drones crashed on the beach instead of flying into a net on the ship, so it was a rescue mission, so to speak. This is what happened: We were in the whale boat, a little boat, little bigger than a rowboat, and when we reached the shore some ragheads started shooting at us, so we jumped out, my shipmates ran left, I ran right, and I was the only one that kept on taking enemy fire. Heck, the other guys could’ve gone swimming, roasted dogs and marshmallows because no one paid them the slightest attention.
“After it was all over, one of the landing party told me, because I was taking all the fire, they could’ve gone swimming and roasted dogs and marshmallows. I wanted to ask him why they didn’t, but I didn’t want to come across as a wise guy so I kept my mouth shut. I had a friend who was the Chaplain’s assistant and he told me my records were ‘red tagged,’ which means trouble; not for me, but for them, the NAVY, like I was trouble for the Navy.
“Anyway, getting back on track, it wasn’t a life-preserver or a container ship: it was a fishing boat, about an 80-footer. So we pull up next to them – they were already stopped; light swell — and I climb aboard and bring two of my guys along, kind-of like seconds in a duel. Yes, it was a real fishing boat, but these guys weren’t real fishermen, unless the Chinese Army was into fishing.
“There they were, all lined up, as if for inspection, so I inspected them. Yes, military all the way, buzz cut and starch. It was then I turned to the head honcho and asked what they were doing, Chinese Army masquerading as fishermen in Taiwanese waters?”
“So he answered, ’I ask if you would like to surrender,’ but it didn’t come out that way, it sounded more like, ‘I ask you if you wood like to so-wender,’ so I shot him with my machine gun, for real and for keeps. Now, I know that I may lack certain qualities, and diplomacy may be one of them, but come on, now, get real. Oh, just in case you were wondering, I asked any of the others if they would like to surrender to me, and that’s how I sailed a Chinese fishing boat into Manila Bay. I’m sure you saw it all on television, although I heard later that the Fake News didn’t cover it.
“You know what? The Navy was more upset with me than the Chinese were; at least that’s how it seemed. And as for me? I was due to get out anyway, a real short-timer with less than 30 days to go, so I took the early out and hopped a flight to Travis*** out of Clark****.
“So, that’s how it went down. And that’s the kind of men we need in today’s military, at least to my way of thinking. I mean, the point of the story is that Uncle Sam doesn’t take second place to anybody, for real and for keeps.
“May you sail with a light breeze on your port quarter*****.”
[*Condition 3: Wartime cruising; battle stations manned yet normal shipboard activities are carried out.]
[**FN-M240: One heck of a nice gun but the ammo is darn heavy.]
[***Travis: That would be Travis AFB, in California.]
[****Clark: Clark International Airport, formally Clark AFB, located in Luzon, Philippines.]
[*****Port quarter: a little behind on your left.]