From: Chris Cirino
Date: November 18, 2021 at 12:31:16 PM EST
Cc: email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Joey’s European Vacation
Good day Deano,
I hope today finds you well, in your duties as Executive Editor of the esteemed New York Times. I see that you have been busy reporting on the stellar job done by Brandon and his administration recently. As usual, it has been one outstanding accomplishment after another the last few weeks. Of course our adversaries, that radical right wing, has been doing its best to discredit and besmirch Joey and his top notch administration. Thank heavens for your ever unbiased, apolitical news coverage over there at Pravda, I mean the Times. Reading through your headlines, I almost never see any negative reports about the Brandon/Harris (she is still the installed VP, right?) installed administration, so the Conservatives must be spewing propaganda………right Deano? Let’s take a look at some of Joey and his teams recent major accomplishments.
Joey’s European Vacation
We’ll Joey headed across the pond for the G20 summit regarding climate change, the handling of the plandemic, and finally global economic recovery. There is no word if Joey used an electric plane to get there……you know, the carbon footprint and all. Well the installed POTUS started his trip over in Rome, where he was to meet the Pontiff. I was a bit disappointed Deano, that the live broadcast of this monumental meeting was cancelled at the last minute. I was a little upset because this is where Joey usually shines, you know, those unscripted live events. You can usually catch them on you tube (before they are removed), because 95% of the networks won’t show them; for the life of me I don’t know why.
Well, they did show a very abbreviated exchange he had with the Pope. What did they discuss, you ask? Well, Joey cut right to the chase and addressed the elephant in the room. He discussed the baseball career of the great pitcher Satchel Paige, but of course. He explained to the Pope in great detail his longevity and how pitchers usually only last until they’re 35, and many other very interesting facts. He went on for quite a bit on this subject. Reliable sources (Washington Post trick), say they heard the Pontiff ask the interpreter, “what is this babbling buffoon talking about?”
American press corps were again outraged that they were shut out. Washington Times reporter Jeff Murdock, was quoted saying, “this is an embarrassment to the freedom of the press.” He also pointed to the cowardly shifting of blame to the Vatican, by the ever honest, Jen Goebbels Psaki, in regards to press access.
Well, Joey put everyone at ease. He said the Pope told him he was a good Catholic. Calls to the Pontiff’s staff to ascertain if the Pope actually said this, went unanswered. Well, I don’t know about you Deano, but Brandon’s word is good enough for me, I mean when have you ever heard him lie………well, we better scratch that. The good thing is the meeting lasted 90 minutes, much longer than usual that sitting Presidents have with the Pontiff. There is that vigor and endurance Joey shows constantly, as shown earlier this year with him crawling up plane stairs, repeatly, I might add. Even though reportedly, a majority of the time was spent in the Vatican bathroom for some reason. Maybe Joey had a bad cannoli.
Conservatives asked their liberal counterparts about the absurdity of 118 private jets coming to a CLIMATE SUMMIT; you know, to address climate issues and fossil fuel emissions, the infamous carbon footprint – and not to mention little Joey having an 85 FOSSIL FUEL driven car/suv entourage drive him around. The right wingers point once again to the blatant liberal hypocrisy and double standard, which all have become accustomed to with this installed administration. When asked to comment on this, the administration replied….President Trump is a racist!
Off to Scotland
This was the meat and potatoes of the trip, where Joey could focus on what he considers the biggest threat right now, climate change. Others may beg to differ, especially U.S. citizens. They may mention, the Southern border debacle, the Afghanistan withdrawal disaster, highest inflation rate in 31 years, energy dependency versus energy independency, gas up 49% since last October, supply chain quagmire, violent crime out of control in most major (Democratic) cities, etc, etc.
But, I digress. Joey was there to tackle climate change, again mostly concerned with fossil fuel emissions. Joey started by meeting some of the royals, namely the Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla. It seems here is where the emissions issue came to a head, it seems our installed POTUS had a bit of a flatulence problem. I mean talk about a carbon footprint! There is our Joey Talibiden, that scamp, making America proud once again.
On to the actual meeting of the minds, at the actual United Nations Climate Change Conference. This again is where Joey said, “climate change is the greatest threat to America’s national security!” Again, some might say, that is actually Russia, China, Iran, North Korea, or the aforementioned debacles. Well, Joey went in with representatives from all over the world to plead his case.
But alas, it was not meant to be. With the entire world watching Joey aka Brandon felt this was time to catch up on some sleep, until an aide had to rouse him and say Mr. installed President, it is not nap time yet. Sources say, his first concern was if he had missed Matlock.
The right points out that this feeble, inept puppet who was obviously installed to push a progressive Socialist agenda, by those behind the scenes is a (dangerous) laughingstock on display for the entire world to see. They again call for “Dr” Jill to be arrested for elder abuse. Once again Deano old sport, I saw no mention of this major faux pas in your renowned NY Times. I venture to say that if we switched him out with say, President Trump for instance, you may have had a word or two about it. Ah, The Times always fair and balanced with you at the helm, Mr Dean Baquet, Executive Editor.
Joey Sets China Straight
Well, after dazzling those abroad, Joey had China next in his sights. This is where he held China’s leader Xi Jinping’s feet to the fire. He held a 3 hour zoom call with the fellow Communist leader. There is that endurance thing again, oh that Joey. Well, officials later set the record straight. They spoke for 15 minutes before Joey’s first 1 hour nap, then spoke for another 15 minutes before his next 1 hour nap while finishing up with another 15 minute exchange. The missing time was attributed to Joey getting lost where he ended up playing lawn darts on the White House lawn. “Dr” Jill was furious with Joey, and refused to give him his usual pudding cup.
Well, what did the installed leader of this once great nation discuss with this mutual Communist leader? Most were hoping Old Joe would ask Xi why has he stopped the investigation of the Wuhan Lab virus. You know, that lab that was funded by over $600,000 of American tax dollars. You know, the virus that has claimed over 5,000,000,000 lives worldwide. You know, the country that cornered the market on ppp equipment just PRIOR to the outbreak. You know, the country that STOPPED shipping said equipment, just prior and during the outbreak. You know, the country that forbid travel into their country during the outbreak, but let their citizens leave their country. I believe President Trump tried to do that here and was labeled a Xenophob.
Well, how much of this did Brandon bring up? Well, actually none of it. Nada! I don’t know, something that consumed our lives for going on 2 years. Something that basically shut down the entire world for months last year. Something that Joey campaigned on (from his basement), claiming that “he would shut down the virus and not the country…. remember, we have a plan.” Something that has killed approximately 355,000 Americans on Little Joey’s watch alone. You would never know that though. CNN and your NY Times stopped putting up the Covid death tote board after Joey was installed. There is that fair and balanced reporting you promote Dean Baquet. Maybe you could reach out to your publisher AG Sulzberger, and have old Slushy reinstate the death tote board, that you prominently displayed on you front page while President Trump was the ELECTED President.
As usual the right says, Joey caved and never discusses anything of substance with world leaders. After calling Putin a killer on network TV here, he called him a “worthy adversary” while meeting with him face to face. Xi Jinping called Joey “my old friend” on greeting him. This after Joey lashed out at Peter Doocy earlier saying, “ Let’s get something straight, I AM NOT HIS FRIEND, it is pure business.” But to Xi, he never said a word. I don’t know about you Deano, but I’m starting to think all those guys Joey used to take out behind the gym and beat the hell out of ……actually took him out and beat the hell out of him. The right points out when the pressure is on, Joey is in fact quite cowardly.
Speaking of lashing out. When Joey returned from his stellar performance overseas he was hit with another question from the aforementioned Peter Doocy. He was questioned in regards to illegal alien “families” separated at the infamous Southern border, receiving $450,000, per “parent.” Well, that triggered Joey’s red hot temper, he exclaimed explosively, “that is absolute garbage, that is not happening.” Ok, then that is settled right Deano? Then the very next day, there was Joey doing his best Jekyll and Hyde, exploding even more vehemently saying, “whether you came across legally or illegally….you lose a child you DESERVE compensatation, no matter what the situation.” When press secretary Little Red Lying Hood Psaki was asked about the complete about face she said, “but the insurrection, next question.” Yeah, what about that insurrection that occurred on November 3, 2020? When will those responsible for this grave injustice be brought to task anyway?
So Deano old sport, which one is it………garbage or deserving? Does his administration brief this installed puppet on current policies before he gets behind a microphone or is he just forgetting, or just doing the usual and lying? Again, the right is asking and it seems appropriate, questioning this man’s mental acuity, and AGAIN asking for a medical and neurological exam. They attribute these confused outbursts to sundowning later in the day, due to his mental decline. One would hope if that is the case, then a family member, perhaps “Dr” Jill, would step in on his behalf. How she lets her husband make a fool of himself, and more importantly, this once great country is beyond me. On the other hand, look at all the travel she gets to enjoy on the taxpayers dime. Plus, she gets a nice wall for free around her summer home in Rehobeth, not to be confused with their primary estate in Delaware. Plus all those cocktail parties and decorating the White House for the holidays……..so what if Joey likes to walk around the White House in a onesie pajama with a propeller hat…it’s all good with the “DR.”
Here is a shocker Deano. Brandon is meeting with the Mexican and Canadian leaders today to discuss root causes of the immigration problems. I’m sorry Deano, I had to stop and get some tissues due to laughter. I’m no politician or brilliant strategist, but maybe we could just put back the policies that were in place and working. I know, crazy idea right? Where is that Border Czar when you need her? Oh, that’s right she was on special assignment over in Paris. I understand that was a smashing success. She accomplished, well…………….I understand she bought some lovely cookware and consumed an enormous amount of French pastries. Oh, and yeah, she spoke in a great French accent when dealing with officials there. Experts are referring to it as the Pepe La Pew incident. As a side note, we are told that is Joey’s second favorite cartoon character, next to Daffy Duck. Here is the shocking part I mentioned earlier, Joey will NOT be taking any questions after this meeting…..go figure, huh Deano. President Trump is a racist!
What’s Up At The Times Deano?
Hey Deano, I know how your paper is the first to address racist attacks, and rightfully so. I’m sure you don’t see too much of that where you live in the exclusive non-diverse enclave of Larchmont California. I’m also pretty sure Slushy doesn’t see too much from his tinted windows in his chauffeur driven limousine, (is that where they get the term limousine liberal?) Well this one hits us all close to home. It seems your esteemed paper has in its employ, what seems to be an out and out racist. I know, I was shocked too, Deano, does Slushy know about this?
I am referring to a contracted contributor of your opinion page, originally part of your editorial board, a Ms. Sarah Jeong. Here are a few of her tweets, you be the judge Deano. “Oh man, it’s kind of sick how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men.” “Are white people genetically predisposed, to burn faster in the sun, thus logically only being fit to live underground like groveling goblins.” Also, using the hashtag #CancelWhitePeople. Mmm Deano, what do you think? When the Times was contacted the communications team said Ms Jeong’s “journalism and the fact that she is a young Asian woman have made her the target of frequent online attacks.” So, she remained on staff for a couple of years. So I guess that justifies things, eh Deano? Hard to argue that logic, huh pal? None of this got her fired, until a tweet saying, “The Times does not care about subscription cancellations, it’s one of the metrics to measure outrage.” She was immediately let go. Katie Kingsbury, a supervisor of the editorial page said, “she had been planning to leave for awhile”…….sure Katie, sure. Poor sweet thing, she thought subscription and money meant nothing to Slushy and Deano…..isn’t that sweet. When I called to get an answer to this controversy, your customer service rep started screaming Insurrection and Russian collusion, over and over. What is that about? Like you guys say, “you print the news that is fit to print.”
There is so much more, I would like to talk about Deano, but it will have to wait. Maybe next week, we could discuss, AG Garland perjuring himself before Congress. Siccing the KGB, I mean the FBI on Soccer Mom’s questioning CRT and ridiculous mask mandates. Or, Daddy Warbucks Mayorkas basically pleading the fifth or just complete incompetence, before Congress. Or, the 300 Americans still left for dead back In Afghanistan. Or maybe just bacon now costing $10.99 a pound and gas approaching $4.00 a gallon ($5.00, if you are lucky enough to live in California). As I have said before, this administration is tough to keep up with…just so many accomplishments!
On a personal note Deano, I would like to sign off today by paying my respects to my Uncle Bobby Cirino. A military veteran, a 27 year member of the FDNY, a great family man, and a truly great Uncle, who passed recently. May he Rest In Peace, he brought lots of love, joy and laughter to all. Incidentally Deano, he was also a big fan of your publication, the esteemed NY Times. Yep, whenever, he brought home a puppy or new parakeet cage, he would tell me to go out and get a copy of the NY Times!