by Professor Zorkophsky, ©2021
(Jun. 12, 2021) — “Erika (Marching song of the German military)” (3:02)
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Today we’re at a location near the Ingham County Jail in Michigan, arguably the state that is the most deranged of them all. With me is State Trooper Ludwig Steckel, the hero who put the cuffs on the legal immigrant from Holland who had the audacity to keep her restaurant open during flu season. Welcome to ‘Pulse,’ the most popular show in its time slot.”
“You’re not wearing a mask.”
“That is true.”
“You must wear a mask.”
“What if I told you that masks don’t protect you from a virus that is just 0.0002 inches in diameter and that the average weave of a face mask is as if you’re wearing a chain-link fence to protect you from mosquitoes?”
“My orders are to wear a face mask.”
“Mind if I ask you a question?”
“I have been ordered to answer your questions.”
“How old is that face mask you have on?”
“Maybe days old.”
“Could it be weeks old?”
“I don’t know.”
“Months?”
“I don’t know the exact age of my face mask. I have answered your question to the best of my ability. Ask another question: I have been ordered to answer your questions.”
“How long have you been a trooper?”
“Nine years, twenty-nine days. I have been ordered to answer your questions.”
“I’m sorry but we must pause for a break.”
“Thanks a Lot” (2:34)
“And we’re back with Trooper Ludwig Steckel who arrested Marlena Hackney by the order of Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel on the order of Governor Gretchen Whitmer. You must be pretty proud to have made such a serious arrest.”
“Ja, it is so, as ordered.”
“So you follow orders?”
“We MUST follow orders, why, without orders there’d be no discipline and we must have discipline. Do you understand?”
“You meant to say, ‘Do you understand, civilian?’, didn’t you?”
“Ja. But that is okay.”
“Was Marlena a difficult arrest? Was she armed and barricaded? Did she fight back in any way?”
“Ja.”
“She did? In what way?”
“She cried, is what she did. She said she immigrated and became an American citizen and then she asked me, ‘For what?’ And then she cried and then she put her hand in her pocket and that’s when I went for my gun, but she was too fast and came out with a handkerchief. She came this close to being shot, which I had a legal right to do since I feared for my life.”
“You feared for your life?”
“She is a dangerous woman.”
“Why is she dangerous? Has there been any history of food poisoning? Has her restaurant ever failed a health inspection? Why were you afraid?”
“She wasn’t wearing a mask! I tell you she was dangerous. I had a right to shoot her.”
“So, help me to understand this: when Whitmer found out that she was to appear on FOX NEWS, that’s when she was arrested?”
“Ja.”
“So you arrested her to silence her?”
“Ja.”
“Doesn’t that sound a little too much like abolishing Marlena’s First Amendment rights?”
“Ja. I follow order.”
“Ever hear of the Nuremberg Trials?”
“I no longer answer questions, and if you don’t put on a mask I may be forced to shoot you, because how am I to know what you may be reaching for?”
“Well, all I can say is that I feel sorry for you, Ludwig. Maybe some day you’ll read the Constitution and learn what it stands for. And now I’ll be wishing our audience a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Now that was one scary interview. We’re getting out of this whole state right now. I’ve never postponed a burger, but there are exceptions to every rule, and this is it.”
“You Don’t Know What You’ve Got” (2:30)