by OPOVV, ©2021

(Apr. 6, 2021) — Act I

The house lights dim as the curtain rises to the theme of Quigley Down Under” (3:23) and an old skinny horse carrying a man slowly walks in from stage left. In the middle of the stage, standing on a stump, is another man. The horse walks up to the stump and starts eating the grass around it. As the music ends, all the lights dim save one spotlight shining down on the stump.

“Good hark unto you, kind gentleman.”

”And likewise with many returns, I’m sure.”

“What, may I inquire, lies yonder?”

“Yonder is a land in turmoil; an unsettling conglomeration of different people speaking different tongues with different goals. Some want to kill while others want to speakee Spanish.”

“Why so?”

“Search me.”

“Please, I implore you to come forth with such facts as to make me understand the problem; perhaps I can lend a hand.”

“Now that’s a good one, ‘lend a hand.’ I say thusly because they don’t want advice; all they want is turmoil. I believe they even solicit turmoil so as to enact even more laws on top of the ones they already have. They crave redundancy.”

“Unbelievable.”

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Why, just look in the Yellow Pages under Shyster and you’ll see what I’m talking about. That land is the ‘Land of Litigation,’ if nothing else.”

“Now I’ve reached a point of concern, I fear.”

“As you should be, stranger, and I’ll tell you why: it is a dangerous place, to be sure. It has deteriorated to the point that lawbreakers no longer respect daylight hours.”

“You mean to say that the crooks work overtime, night and day? What, they can’t make enough just stealing at night anymore?”

“Inflation is a terrible thing.”

“Now I’m really concerned. I have two questions and then I must be on my way: How can I protect myself and who are the most obvious crooks to avoid?”

“First of all is Rule Number One: don’t call the cops. Look, just stay out of trouble in the first place, okay? Gas stations are the most dangerous places, followed by four-way stoplights.”

“So what’s the second rule?”

“It’s a two-peat: don’t call the cops. Here, let me tell you a story. Once upon a time in a place called Minnesota, a woman saw a crime being committed so she called the cops. The cops responded and when they got there they shot and killed the woman. True story.”

“Now may I have the answer who to avoid.”

“Politicians, Fake News, and those who follow anyone who uses the word free. Don’t worry, they’re easy to spot: they say ‘Baa Baa’ and they’re called ‘Democrats.’

“You mean they actually ‘Baa?’”

“They think that they’re speaking English, and your ears may hear English, but your brain will hear nothing but ‘Baa Baa.’ Strange, but true, especially on college campuses.”

“Thank you for being so truthfully informative; I shall proceed with caution, as you say. Fare-thee-well.”

“One last bit of advice: don’t let them know you’re a stranger. Ditch the horse and the suit of armor.”

Curtain lowers as the house lights brighten.

INTERMISSION

Act II

The curtain rises as the house lights dim to the music of Blue Shadows on the Trail” (2:47) as the man on the horse enters from stage right and walks up to the man standing on the stump, except the man isn’t standing on the stump anymore; he’s swinging on a swing. There’s a spotlight above them but a shade dimmer than before.

“Howdy, stranger.”

“Likewise, I’m sure.”

“Well, don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.”

“That I will not do. You could’ve clued me in how ignorant they all are; why, just look at the television commercials. I hear tell that the whole mass indoctrination started the day Barry Soetoro (aka Obama) was sworn in by the Chief Crook Roberts on the Quran, in the White House, behind closed doors. I understand that they have it all on film, that they’ll spring it on us as soon as all the guns are confiscated.”

“You heard a lot, stranger.”

“It doesn’t take much to figure it out: America has been taken over by foes of the Constitution. I know a guy who was in a place called Vietnam, where he killed the enemy using a gun and a knife. He thought he was fighting for God and country; maybe he was, and now he’s thinking about doing it all over again.”

“How so?”

“Count how many Republicans have been killed in small planes in the last twenty years, that’s how so. So I figure, if it’s okay for Dems to kill those who uphold the Constitution as the ‘Law of the Land,’ why not just get rid of the double standard?”

“Be like Dodge City when the West was wild.”

“Isn’t it, now? I hear that the Deep State is drone-happy: cops and the Feds (same thing) are embracing drone technology like never before.”

“You mean as much as the Chinese?”

“Mirror image. I’m afraid it’s that time when this old horse and I moseyed along, so I guess it’s the reverse of harkin’, pardner.”

“And an adios to you, too, stranger.”

The music of You’re a Grand Old Flag” (2:48) begins to play as the curtain is lowered and the house lights brighten.

FINI

OPOVV

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