by OPOVV, ©2020

(Dec. 12, 2020) — “Peter Gunn Theme” (1:52)

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. This is your Roving Reporter (RR), back from some true investigative reporting, here to convey some grave concerns that only a trained professional psychiatrist (such as Professor Zorkophsky) can address coherently and correctly.”

“Excuse me, Roving, please call me ‘Zork’; after all, we’re not on camera anymore, thanks to the loony mayor of Chicago, Lori Stupidfoot, a candidate for the Idi Amin Award’ for being known as ‘The Butcher of Young Black Men of Chicago.’”

“Yes, of course. Now, as I was about to say…”

“How was your trip? You know, I really enjoyed being the host, shouldering the responsibility to report interesting stories accurately.”

“Zork, you know we’re on the air, right now, as we speak? This is not a rehearsal; we’re broadcasting from here to Timbuktu.”

“Where is this Timbuktu? I’ve heard of it but I don’t know where it is.”

“If Africa were a dart board, Timbuktu would be the bull’s eye.”


“Now, as I was saying…”


“Why did you pause?”

“Because I was waiting for you to interrupt me. Now, as I was saying, my trip took me to Los Angeles, where I came in contact with Larry Goldberg, the man who furnishes wardrobes for the movies. Sit back while I run the tape:

“I’m here in the heart of Hollywood, the epicenter of the American movie industry.”

“Used to be.”

“Pardon me?”

“You just said that we’re the epicenter of the movie industry. Not so, not anymore. Atlanta, Georgia has become the epicenter with all those Communists out there, working hand-in-hand with the CCP.”

“We have our fair share here, too, in Hollywood. Why, I have a customer – a very good customer, by the way – who rents an Adolf Hitler costume at least once a week, and has been for the last decade.”

“Why doesn’t he just buy his own?”

“Because we are a full service rental agency, that’s why. We provide a tailor for a perfect fit every time and we dry-clean, like new, before it leaves the premises and if it is not perfect, for any reason, we make it so.”

“Wow. So would you mind sharing your customer’s identity with us?”

“I’m not supposed to say, but can you keep a secret?”

“Trust me.”

Eric Swalwell.”

Commercial break.

One Less Bell to Answer” (3:29)

“And we’re back with Zork, who will reveal the motivation behind some of our mentally-deranged members of Congress. Oh, we have a phone call at our switchboard.”

“Switchboard? It’s you cell phone ringing on the table.”

“Hello, you’ve reached ‘Pulse,’ the informative… Oh, hello, Mr. Goldberg. Call you, Larry? So, what can I do for you, Larry? You’ve something to add? Why, sure, I’m interested. You say you rent an elephant costume? No kidding? Of course I can keep a secret. Nancy Pelosi rents a custom-made elephant suit? No, no bother; anytime. Thanks. Goodbye.”

“Offhand, Roving, my diagnosis of Pelosi is that she’s bonkers.”

“Is ‘bonkers’ an accepted medical term used to describe some acute short-circuits of the brain?”

“By all means, Roving. We have quite a few ‘Little Fuhrers’ making the news. We have the mayors vs. the governors vying to see which is the more utterly out-to-lunch, and, yes, ‘utterly-out-to-lunch’ is yet another approved psychiatric medical term.”

“Which mayor is the most out-there, in your humble opinion?”

“That was yesterday’s question, Roving. In today’s world – right now, today – we have ‘Tag Teams,’ just like in the WWE:  Andrew Cuomo-Bill de Blasio vs. Kate Brown-Ted Wheeler.”

“Any comment on Mayor Sylvester Turner Mayo and District Attorney Kim Ogg of Houston, TX?”

“Another tag-team, Roving, competing on equal footing with all the other tag-teams throughout our country.”

“Which team do you think will win the coveted trophy as being the most anti-American, anti-Constitution, anti-Common-Sense award for the year 2020?”

“Hands-down it’ll be the Biden-Harris ticket, so the real race is for second place, which is nothing to sneeze at, as I’m sure you’re aware, being in the truthful news business.”

“Well-said, Zork, and thanks for the compliment.”

“Excuse me, Roving, but I’d like to say one more thing: the ratio between the flu virus and a face mask is the same as a mosquito and wooden lattice fence.” 

“That’s pretty straightforward and easy to understand. And with that, folks, we’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show, Zork. Burger time: my treat.”

When I Die, Just Let Me Go To Texas” (3:11)


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