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“I GUESS YOU WOULD KNOW”
by Rook Dunkin, ©2020
(Oct. 15, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. I have been given the opportunity to use this time to spread a sermon far and wide and so, without further ado, here it is, after this commercial break.”
“Traditional Vietnamese Folk Music” (1:00)
“Once a year I solicit prayers from my parishioners, as a community service, so if they seem out of the ordinary, don’t blame me. Here goes:
“O Lord, please let the leaves in my yard be twig-free so my effort to blow and rake them will not be impeded in any way.”
“Excuse me, but we could use a little bit of help down here. What we have is an information gap that seems to be expanding at the same ratio as space is expanding. Don’t ask me how because we don’t have a clue; maybe it has something to do with Dark Matter.
“Anyway, it seems to me that there’s a lot of really dumb people around, more so today than yesterday. Let me give you a for-instance: for instance, the fact that Joe Biden is a crook is a given, yet half the population doesn’t seem to give a hoot if a politician is crooked or not; now why is that?”
“Excuse us, Rook Dunkin, but we have to throw in a commercial; won’t take long.”
“Love Me” (2:44)
“Okay; we’re back live.”
“Thank you, Roving. And another thing: people seem to get all shook-up about Roe vs. Wade, but if they were taught how to read, maybe they would understand the instructions on the birth control box, or maybe practice abstinence; who knows? Well, heck, I guess You would know.
“And as long as I’ve got Your ear, why in Heaven’s name would anyone want to pay a penny more in taxes than they have to? I mean, Biden-Harris say they want to raise our taxes through the roof; explain that one.
“We used to execute arsonists and child molesters; then we would lock them up for life; but nowadays we don’t seem to care one way or another: what do you say we go back to the old days?
“I guess if we outlawed payoffs and kickbacks, we wouldn’t have any politicians, but could you give us more people like President Trump, who can’t be bought-off by special interest?
“A couple of years ago there was this presidential candidate, OPOVV, who said if he were elected he would deport each and every Muslim from the United States, and then after he did that he would do the same with Canada and then the British Isles and then go through all of Europe. Could You appoint someone to do that for us? I like the Brexit idea for all of Europe, starting with Italy.
“And how about kicking Turkey out of NATO and maybe tell the UN to move to Switzerland as we tell them to ‘take a hike’?
“Speaking of which, what in the tarnation is China doing in Tibet*? Oh, we know that China has always wanted to invade India but, come on, how about a little bit of help along the lines of removing China from Tibet, please?
“What if you would make every teacher and professor a Republican, what then? I think it would be worth a try, don’t You think? To start, remove every Communist flag from our college campuses.
“Which reminds me: let us start calling our military bases ‘bases’ instead of ‘campuses’; could we do that?
“Could we also explain to NOW that ‘honor killings’ are NOT in a woman’s best interest? Just asking.
“Last prayer: please give the vote-counters honesty and the voters the brains to keep our wonderful Bill of Rights intact.
“We ask of You in Jesus’s name, Amen.”
[*Tibet: Look, the bottom line is that China has no business and no right to be in Tibet. They can take their train and go home, for keeps.]
“In My Time of Dying” (3:14)