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by OPOVV, ©2020

cocoparisienne, Pixabay, License

(Mar. 19, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another exciting episode of ’The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. Hello, I’m your Roving Reporter (RR) and, as you can see — those who can still get us on cable – we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across the street from the railroad station. The rest of you will be reading the transcript of the show in The Post & Email and, in lieu of TV commercials, Molly, our secretary, inserts songs that she chooses and, sometimes, suggestions from our readers. So let’s get the show on the road and interview our first victim of the day. Excuse me, Miss, Roving here for ‘Pulse,’ your favorite info show on the idiot box.”

“Really? I didn’t know ‘Pulse’ was my favorite show.”

“Well, it is and if it’s not it should be. Now, would you please tell us your name and what’s bugging you these days?”

“Yes, of course: my name is Ruby and my biggest gripe is hoarders; I mean, we’re all in this together. And here’s my train.”

“And off she goes. Hello, what’s your name and what’s bugging you the most these days?”

“Chuck, my name is Chuck and I must congratulate your reporting on financial elderly abuse in retirement homes, specifically those in Minnesota. I had an issue and reported it to the proper authorities and butted my head against a wall of silence. I’ve never experienced such frustration since my kid went through the terrible twos.”

“We’ve had more comments about elderly abuse than any other in the history of our show. From bedsores to empty bank accounts, everyone has something to say and none of it’s good. But what’s worse, there hasn’t been one report of any state agency actually helping relatives recover stolen money: not one. And, from the number of complaints, Minnesota is the worst, by far, although some New England states come close.”

“Keep up the good work, Roving, exposing malfeasance wherever it shows its greedy head. Bye.”

“And off goes Chuck and so do we for a commercial.”

Isle of Inisfree” (3:39)

“Excuse me, Roving, I have an axe to grind.”

“Grind away.”

“I don’t like that they’re calling it the China Virus,‘ is what.”

“But that’s where it started.”

“You’re just like all the other Trumpsters.”

“Where you going? Don’t walk away. China, China, China. And there he goes; he can dish it out but he can’t take it. Good time for a break.”

Summertime” (3:30)

“Okay, we’re back and will you just look at who the cat dragged in; it’s none other than Rook Dunkin. So, what you doing, slumming?”

“You know I have a real house in this town? I stay at the rectory – that little stone house behind the church – on the weekends but I have to get away. I mean, even if I take the phone off the hook (figuratively speaking) there’s someone knocking on the door at all hours.”

“I didn’t know that. So, that said, what’s going on?”

“I’ve written my Sunday sermon and I would like to run a part past you to get your opinion, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.”

“Thank you. Now I’m not going to recite the whole thing, just the Ten Commandments:

  1. Thou shalt not hoard.
  2. Thou shalt not gouge.
  3. Thou shalt remain calm; the stock market will bounce back.
  4. Thou shalt not spread rumors.
  5.  Thou shalt not act in a reckless manner.
  6. Thou shalt read the books that you’ve thought about but never had the time: now you’ve the time.
  7. Thou shalt be of good cheer and not pessimistic.
  8. Thou shalt share with others less fortunate.
  9. Thou shalt offer assistance to the older folks.
  10. Thou shalt not tailgate.”

“I like it, although the last one doesn’t quite fit.”

“I thought so, too, but I’m leaving it in anyway, I mean, which of us tolerates a tailgater?”

“I’d have to say none.”

“Bingo. Okay, I got what I wanted. Did you know that we’re online? Sometimes The P&E carries us, so look us up. Nice to have seen you, Roving.”

“Me, too; I mean, it was nice to see you, too. Yes, you’ve something to add?”

“Yes: if you ever see President Trump, ask him to tell General Secretary Xi Jinping to get the heck out of Tibet and to take that kill order off of the Dalai Lama. Could you do that for all of our sakes?

“Funny, but I was just thinking the same thing. And another thing: who the devil needs a train from Xining to Lhasa anyway? Certainly not the Tibetans. Okay, consider it done. That’ll do it for this episode of ‘Pulse,’ and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight – and heed what our president is telling us: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

[Here’s a shout-out to the Dalai Lama: if I can be of any assistance, in whatever capacity, I’m available 24-7-365.]

Don’t Bring Me Down” (2:08)




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