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by OPOVV, ©2020

Eli Whitney’s cotton gin, public domain

(Jun. 26, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place to hear it here first. My wife was cheating on me, so I gave my two weeks’ notice and left town, but on the way out of town I started to have second thoughts and go back, but then she would’ve had a date already set up for that evening by then and, besides, what was the point? When I first met her my parents flew out from Chicago to meet her; I saw my ex-wife a couple of years after we got divorced and I thought there would be no way I would introduce this woman to meet my mother.

“So what’s the point? The point is when you’re in a bad situation, get out and stick to your guns. Let’s take a look at what’s happening to our country and admit we’re in a bad situation, okay? So in this case, what do you say we escort our unwanted interlopers out; do you think we can do that? Well, I have my doubts so I asked Professor Zorkophsky to help us out, at least to see if we have a snowball’s chance to save our Constitution. Welcome to the show, Professor.”

“Glad to be here, Roving, and please call me ‘Zork’ as long as we’re in my most comfortable office. Now before we start, let me show you my latest invention.”

“Okay, since you’re our only guest, we’ll just make the time.”

“Have a seat and let me attach these do-dads on you and put this on.”

“What is it, a football helmet?”

“Well, the shell is but inside are all kinds of sensors and gizmo-things. You comfy? Good. Now just sit back and I’ll turn it on. Don’t worry; it’ll only take a minute. There: all done. How do you feel?”

“I feel fine. What happened? I mean, I don’t feel any different.”

“You don’t feel any different because you’re educated, that’s why. You just had the whole history of Western Civilization in two minutes. But if you were a Black Lives Matter fool, you would be questioning the validity of the movement.”

“How so and in what way? Wait, let’s get this commercial out of the way first.”

If I Know Me” (2:43)

“First of all you would have been introduced to the agricultural system of the South, and then how all those Yankee inventions were doing the work of all the hands that had to be fed, housed and a thousand and one other things that were, in the end, making too many hands on the plantation redundant and, let’s face it: too expensive to keep.”

“What were the most influential machines?”

“Well, believe it or not – besides the cotton gin – the plow, followed by the hoe, disc and reaper. Then all kinds of labor-saving devices that planted, fertilized, harvested, sorted, cleaned and cataloged. In short, the institution of slavery was on its way out. Everyone knew that, which is why the Emancipation Proclamation was an afterthought. The real reason for the Civil War was State’s Rights, which seem to be still fought over.”

“What else?”

“Slaves were too expensive. It’s like you make minimum wage and drive a Porsche – let’s make it a twin-turbo — so what happens if you need a new clutch, or any part, for that matter? Even if you could do the work yourself, you couldn’t afford the parts in the first place. That’s how expensive a slave became, so any of this tearing-down statues boggles the mind; it really does. It is stupid people harming other stupid people by keeping them all forever in the dark.”

“What ‘dark?’”

“Ignorance, where the light of knowledge is forever quashed, not allowed to shine, like the Teachers’ Union not teaching; the Dems pushing the same old story; the Fake News not informing and, what’s even worse, misinforming.”


 “That’s all you can say?”

“Okay, I get it. Now what?”

“Go after the ignorant bums, the ANTIFA and Black Lives Matter ignoramuses with search warrants and handcuffs.”


“The first window that was broken by the mob in Minneapolis.”

“Okay, that makes perfect sense. And will you just look at the time? Thank you for watching, for those lucky enough to get us, and for those of you who are reading the highly-edited transcript of the broadcast, well, thank you for reading it and so, on behalf of the crew and Zork, this is your Roving Reporter (RR) wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

Bobby Sox to Stockings” (2:38)


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