“WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Apr. 19, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and I’d welcome you to yet another rational news broadcast of ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ but our latest interviews were so depressing, so downer-like — so gosh-darn pessimistic — that we decided, rather than leave our faithful audience on a sour note, to just pick a previous award-winning show at random and show you that instead. Here, I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about. Run the second interview, would you, please? Wait a sec: after we run a commercial.”
“Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” (2:36)
“Excuse me, Miss, Roving for ‘Pulse,’ the ever-popular news show.”
“Oh, I know who you are; we all know who you are. Let’s see: you’ve been on this corner, across the street from the train depot, for, what? Five years?”
“Ten would be closer. So, let me ask you about the staying-at-home bit.”
“Let’s see: lawn service companies can’t do their jobs but I live in a duplex, okay? Part of my rent goes for lawn care, but there is no lawn care so, guess what? The other day I got a notice from the city that if I don’t cut my lawn, on my side of the duplex, I’ll be fined. I don’t own a lawnmower and even if I did there’s no shed to put it in, along with the rakes, trimmers, shovels and all the other stuff you need to keep a lawn looking nice. What are we supposed to do?”
“And that’s just one of the stupid ideas that leaves you speechless. And if that weren’t enough, try this one on for size after this commercial.”
“Oklahoma!” (3:23)
“Well, now, Rook Dunkin, what’s bugging you the most these days?”
“How come my church has to be closed while the mosque across town remains open? How come we have to maintain distancing when Muslims are exempt? How come Jews and Christians are under attack while Muslims aren’t even mentioned, as if to mention them would automatically make one an Islamophobe?”
“So there’s another example of, of what? Plain stupidity? See what I mean about negativity? One more after this message.”
“Shina No Yoru” (3:06)
“So the lowlife governor of California, Newsom, wants to give money to illegal immigrants. Okay, how about give the money; deport them with the caveat that if they ever come back we’ll jail them?
“See what I mean about depressing? So what we’ll do is give you a rerun so you don’t leave so depressed:
“And so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Depressing, is it not? Burger time: my treat,”
“Take Me Out to the Ballgame” (1:07)