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“ON THE SIDE OF THE CRIMINALS”
by OPOVV, ©2020
(Apr. 6, 2020) — ACT I
The song, “Three Blind Mice” (0:49) is played as the house lights dim and an actor dressed as one would perhaps picture the Pied Piper of Hamelin addresses the audience as he appears at stage left in front of the curtain:
“Hark, unto yon audience, those who garner precious learning, yet sit silently on your duff, quiet as a mouse, one and all.
“I have come to spy on the wicked, the manipulators, and the greedy. Wish me well on my task that we may celebrate my success at the final curtain to share tidings of gratitude and extend good wishes to one and all.”
At the end of the soliloquy, the curtain rises upon a 13th-century barnyard scene. Productions endowed generously have real sheep and cows while cash-strapped troops have painted cardboard cutouts of barnyard animals.
There are three actors leaning on pitchforks, as one would picture county employees leaning on shovels planting a new street sign on a corner. The gnarled woman actor is dressed as a witch, even down to the pointed hat; one of the men has a friar’s robe while the other is wearing a student’s attire, including a dunce cap.
Witch: “I say we burn them all at the stake: it’ll teach them a lesson.”
Friar: “The Lord may well smite me, but I agree. What say you, student?”
Student: “All my life I have never had an original thought so should I say ‘moo’ or ‘baa’?”
The Piper enters stage left.
Friar: “Excuse me, most kind and noble gentlemen, but may we ask you a question that requires an answer by one most refined and learned as yourself?”
Piper: “You do not know me and I do not know you, yet I discern a den of thieves, a gaggle of loudmouths, grandstanders upheld by nothing other than your own hot air. I implore you to leave me at my leisure and allow me to be alone with my thoughts. I bother no one and I wish no one to bother me.”
Witch: “Which we cannot allow, for to allow you to ponder subjects we will never be versed in – because we are too unlearned or just plain too dumb – cannot be sanctioned, therefore you must answer: should he ‘moo’ like a cow or ‘baa’ like a sheep? We await your verdict.”
Piper: “And this is what my ears hear; the left ear the whining of the friar; the right the cackle of a witch, and all together the cacophony of a bunch of dimwits, nitwits and conformists; you, who are leading others to the slaughterhouse, putting them in a happy and carefree frame of mind: vote for me and you’ll get free stuff when, in reality, your future is what has transpired – in the last twenty years – in Venezuela: you eat your dog, that is, if you had one.”
Witch: “I don’t like your tone. The friar expressed the desire to burn you and your ilk.”
Piper: “No doubt, but what puzzles me is how come you all are still around; why haven’t you been tarred and feathered before current time?
The “Who Let The Dogs Out” (3:14) song is played as the curtain rises to the scene of three tall desks, 8’ above the stage, with the three barnyard actors sitting behind them on eight-foot chairs. Standing in front of them is the Piper, wrapped in large iron chains. As the curtain rises the Piper turns and addresses the audience.
Piper: “Have you even noticed that the smaller the person is, intellectually speaking, the larger the apparent need they possess to lord over all? Like they know what’s better for you than you do, and there’s no better example than what’s about to transpire.”
The Witch pounds a giant gavel on her desk.
Witch: “Hey, Piper, pray pay attention. You are hereby being investigated for crimes against the American people on the grounds that you are an intellectual, that you believe in a system of government that allows people to make their own mistakes, and that you know more about everything than we do, we who make the laws that control your actions and even the way you think.”
Piper: “Even the way I think? How do you do that?”
Student: “And here you think you’re so smart. I don’t know if you remember, but the day – the very day – that the great imposter, ‘The Cheap Suit,’ aka Obama, aka Barry Soetoro, took over the office of president, Americans were bombarded with television commercials that started selling an idea more than the product that was being pushed. And the campaign has been unabated ever since.”
Piper: “Yes, we — meaning we who pay attention — are aware of subliminal suggestions and the advantage of a well-rounded education, sans propaganda pressed by the Hollywood crowd, the Teachers’ Union, and the Chamber of Commerce. We are onto you and you’re not going to prevail because we shall not give up our guns, our weapons of self-defense.”
Friar: “Self-defense? From what, rabid rabbits?”
Piper: “That, too, but mostly from rabid goons of the government, reminiscent of the Gestapo, the Khmer Rouge and the Death Squads of Nicolas Maduro, the latest in the long list of psychopathic leaders such as Stalin, Hitler, Mao, and Pol Pot, people who wantonly murdered millions brought upon by delusional expectations, like Caligula, one of the insane emperors of the Roman Empire.”
Student: “When we pass the law that the citizens of our country must surrender their weapons, we will have a better country and each of us will be safer because of it.”
Witch: “Our many mindless followers will believe whatever we tell them: Russian Collusion, anyone? Ukrainian Quid pro quo? Corona? So what if the criminals refuse to surrender their weapons? What we need is a compliant populace. Besides, we’re on the side of the criminals.”
Student: “We strive for peace by eliminating the middle class, which Obama would’ve accomplished had the patriots embraced Obamacare, the first step towards Socialism.”
Piper: “We will not go without a fight.”
Student: “You will protect your weapons from government employees, who will be following legal orders?”
Piper: “The Constitution will remain intact, and no chains will ever be strong enough to defeat the yearning to be free. So the affirmative answer is traced in cement: I will do whatever is necessary to protect the Constitution, from without or from within.”
Witch: “We have ignorance on our side; just look to Hollywood and the mainstream media, which hates Trump, embraces time-consuming witch hunts, and all the other sundry wasteful antics of the mentally-deranged.”
Piper: “So you admit to your weakness, your Achilles’, your shame?”
Witch: “Fat chance. No, I admit to no wrong, but I will say this: we will stop at absolutely nothing to bury people like you in the recesses of time; forgotten empty gestures of last stands, as if glory is a substitute for victory to achieve our needless goals.”
The curtain lowers.
The curtain rises as the song “The Mouse” (2:27) is heard. The stage is set as an open market; stalls set up with various goods, fabric bundles, candles, vegetables; some of the stalls have reed roofs. It is a busy place; hustle and bustle. A tinker’s cart passes from right to left, drawn by an old skinny horse, followed by the Piper and the three rats.
Piper: “And what have we here, Mr. Seller of Questionable Merchandise?”
Capitalist: “In the display case before you, Sir, are weapons for protection, ‘protection weapons.’ No need for swords, maces or lances. See this bit of lead? You think of little consequence? Imagine this bit of lead hitting you at the speed to produce hydrostatic shock, whereas an arrow just damages the particular parts it hits.”
Capitalist: “Isn’t it though?”
Student: “What are they called?”
Capitalist: “They are, each of them – the long and the short; the heavy and the light – called ‘equalizers’.”
Witch: “What parts are rendered equal?”
Capitalist: “The governed becomes equal with an overzealous government, is what. The voters are equally armed as the goons.”
Friar: “But we’re the goons.”
Piper and Capitalist: “That you are.”
Witch: “I’ve a question: what is that stall over yonder selling, the one with reed walls? Are not we allowed to see inside?”
Capitalist: “That there, Lady, is what they call a mosque.”
Just then a gust of wind blows across the stage, blowing the reed roof away and also the walls of the mosque exposing piles of all sorts of guns: revolvers, rifles, shotguns and RPG‘s.
Piper: “What did you say the mosque was selling?”
Capitalist: “Peace and understanding; harmony and contentment; honor killings and FGM’s. Now picture this: when the Jews and the Hindus, the Christians and the Buddhists, the this and that — but not the Muslims — have been disarmed: what then?”
Piper: “Must we conclude that all mosques are armories?”
Capitalist: “If you value your life. The Australians are about to learn life’s last lesson: be prepared.”
Witch: “So even I am being used – brainwashed – by the heathens?”
Capitalist: “Even you, Madam Speaker, ignorant as you are, falling into the cesspool of stupidity: let’s vote for Herr Hitler and The Cheap Suit; get it?”
Friar: “For we are of the elite, I’ll have you know. Why, just look at this pathetic student, pretending he has more of a brain than the Scarecrow. His name fits him well: Schiff.”
Capitalist: “And he is one of you?”
Witch: “He votes how I say.”
Piper: “And who say unto thou?”
Witch: “It is as Ilhan Omar says: ‘the Benjamins.’”
The Piper walks to the edge of the stage, center, and addresses the audience:
“Well, it is true that we’re at the last curtain; we’ve reached the end of our journey, which was a long and arduous one, I must admit. But I think we’ve learned something; at least I did and it is this: You must rely on yourself as much as possible to have what many refer to as freedom, yet so few achieve.
“Some renounce all forms of the material world and go through life accepting the donations of others as their payment for turning their backs on their obligation to thwart despotism in its many forms, and being disarmed is the ultimate form of disobedience to the memory of Spartacus and all the fallen in the name of freedom.
“Our three rats, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Adam Schiff, couldn’t care less about you, constituents, Party, country or me. They are the truly blind, following the road down the path of all who have squandered and wasted their lives for something as self-destructive and common as greed.
“We are at the play’s end, but now is not the time for good tidings; rather, now is the time to arm yourselves from the coming storm. Look at it this way: it is infinitely better to have an equalizer and not need it than to need an equalizer and not have it.”
[Post-script: you have the right to protect your family from immediate danger and not rely on a reactive police force, whether you live in a so-called “gun-free zone” or not. Remember this: in a true gun-free zone, neither the cops nor the robbers have guns, and until that day, be smart by being armed.]
“I Shot The Sheriff” (4:23)