NEWSMAX Wins Big (RR)

“COPING WITH CIVILIAN LIFE”

by OPOVV, ©2020

(Jan. 27, 2020) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the place where if you hear it here you don’t need to channel-surf to hear it anywhere else. I’m your Roving Reporter (RR), and with me is my boss who wants to say a few words.”

“Thank you, Roving, for such a thoughtful and glowing introduction. The announcement that I’m making is that from this moment on, we will not broadcast anything a Democrat has to say about anything. For the last couple of days, when we’ve been broadcasting the impeachment nonsense, we have noticed that our ratings have been reduced to zero. That’s right, zero.”

“Not even one viewer?”

“As I said, zero; so we’ve decided to run tutorials of the Constitution and the history of the political parties, emphasizing the Democrats’ unending quest to keep as many as possible on Food Stamps.  They’re also continuingly pushing Common Core, the end result being Johnny ‘graduates’ from high school functionally illiterate.”

“Any mention of Ebonics?”

“Yes, and the minority population being taken advantage of by the race-dividers, such as Jessie Jackson and Black Entertainment Television, exploiting and divide, difference, and marking a demarcation between the ethnic groups in our country for their own ‘thirty pieces of silver.’  To make a long story short, selling their own country for money; kneeling while others pay tribute to our country – hand over heart or saluting — while facing Old Glory and as our anthem is played. Thank you, Mr. Roving.”

“Oh, sure thing, Boss Lady. Okay, maybe we’ll be able to educate some that ‘Hands up, don’t shoot’ and ‘Russian Collusion’ were nothing but lies to harvest votes and discord*. So, let’s do our job and interview someone, shall we? Excuse me, Miss, Roving here for ‘Pulse,’ the most entertaining information show you’ll ever find.”

“Really? You know that ‘ever’ is a mighty big word, but yes, I’ll answer a question or two. Kind-of noisy inside this depot, don’t you think?”

“No, it’s okay; see that squirrel-looking thing above your head? That’s the microphone, so we’ll be okay. How about telling us your name and what’s your biggest gripe of the day, would you?”

“Sure; my name is Carol and my pet peeve is the hate that many have for, what, seven million off Food Stamps, and that’s just in the last three years.”

“I’ve often wondered the same myself. Excuse us while we take a commercial break.”

Moonlight Sonata” (4:07)

“Carol’s train came in so let’s find another person who isn’t talking on a cell phone. Excuse me, sir, Roving for ‘Pulse.’

“Hey; watch the show. How you doin’?”

“Fine; so what’s your name and pet peeve of the day?”

“Of the day or my life?”

“Day first and then life.”

“The government for both. They say they’ll protect us; so let me ask you a question: how come they still allow Muslims on our military bases? Answer me that. Oh, my name is Allen.”

“I’m sorry, Allen, I don’t have that answer; wish I did but I know someone who does.”

“Now who would that be?”

Wikipedia, public domain

“Why, the General just walked in, pushing his chalkboard.”

“Hey, General, over here. Hello, General, Allen here just asked a question that you may know the answer to.”

“Son, if I don’t know the answer to a question I’d just order my adjutant to find out for me. Unfortunately, when I retired they took my adjutant away so now I’m forced to cope with civilian life as a civilian.”

“It’s tough out here in the real world.”

“Don’t get smart with me, Roving, I’ll have you thrown in the stockade faster than you can recite the Officer’s Oath. Didn’t I make you a Major at one time?”

“I believe you did, Sir.”

“Rescind that order, son.”

“Aye-aye, Sir.”

“What, do I look like a sailor to you? I’m Army all the way. So, what’s the question? Did I tell you you’re out of uniform?”

“Not yet, Sir.”

“Did I tell you I’m thinking of calling the Military Police and having you thrown in the stockade? Did I tell you that?”

“I don’t remember, Sir. The question is why do we have Muslims on any of our military bases here in the States?”

“Why limit your question to just military bases or, for that matter, the States? Why not ask the question this way: why would a sane person want anybody around them who worships a book that commands its adherents to ‘kill Jews and Christians wherever Ye may find them’?”

“I don’t know, General; what’s the answer?”

“The answer lies in those hallowed halls of the Left-Wing Ivy League schools of the Northeast, the epicenter of our nation’s failed foreign policy, until Trump. The truth of the matter is that one Muslim is one too many, if you ask me.”

“Which we just did, and I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with us. Let’s break for another commercial.”

Heart of Gold” (3:10)

“And we’re back and the station has emptied so maybe I’ll take the time to answer one of the letters. Got one handy? Oh, thank you.

Dear Roving,

A couple of years ago you witnessed a couple of Armadillos landing in a flying saucer. Was that for real?

Mary Beth

________________________

Dear Mary Beth,

Let me answer that I have a license to metaphor and let it go at that.

Roving

“And we’ve just run out of time, but before we sign off I want to say that the truth is also found on NEWSMAX, and a very special honorable mention to Chris Salcedo for making my mornings a little more enjoyable then they used to be. Heck, while I’m at it, let’s give everyone at NEWSMAX a big THUMBS-UP. And so, on behalf of the crew and the General, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show. Burger time: my treat.”

[*discord: such as riots where there’s a shooting as an excuse to abolish the Second Amendment.]

One Way Out” (4:53)

OPOVV

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