WINNERS AND LOSERS
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Nov. 15, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation’s’ ‘End-of-Year Dumb Test’ to see how dumb our neighbors really are. Hello, I’m Roving, your friendly reporter and, as you can see, we’re back on our corner, across the street from the train depot, where we waylay commuters on their way to the big city. Excuse me, please, Roving for ‘Pulse’; got a sec?”
“Oh, sure, look here, June, it’s that Roving guy. What’s your question?”
“Well, we know your wife’s name, so what’s yours?
“Hank, name is Hank, and we’re on our honeymoon from Iowa way.”
“We usually don’t allow people from Iowa to be on the show, but since you’re newlyweds I guess it’ll be okay. Did any of you, by chance, graduate from high school?”
“Did we? We sure did graduate, but not from high school, high schools: grades nine; ten; eleven and twelve, we’re proud to say.”
“Up here in the civilized world we call them freshman, sophomore, junior and senior years and graduate once, at the end.”
“Well, we don’t do that in Iowa, Mr. Roving, because our dropout rate is so high we honor those who make it through 9, 10, 11 and 12, individually-like.”
“I see. I’m almost afraid to ask, but have you made up your mind who you’re going to vote for in 2020?”
“Well, since the Democrats keep adding candidates, we’re waiting to see who they’ll pick. We’re thinking Hillary but it’s just too early.”
“Congratulations, you just won the prize of the day. You each get a ‘10,’ thank you very much. Run along now.”
“Where’s our prize? Don’t we get a prize?”
“You get a prize of ‘10’; what more do you want? You just closed down perhaps the quickest test ever given in the history of mankind, so there’s no sense to think there’s anyone or couple as dumb as you two. Goodbye and let’s break for a commercial while I get my mind right.”
“Swinging School” (2:09)
“Remind me never to interview anyone from Iowa. Okay, we’re back with Cheryl, a receptionist for a stockbroker in the big city. So, tell our audience what your job is like, if you would?”
“All day old men hit on me, old rich retired men. Some ask if I’m married; most don’t. I tell them I have a boyfriend but they still persist.”
“What does your boyfriend do for a living?”
“He’s a carpenter.”
“So these rich millionaires are after you and you stick with a nail-pounder?”
“There’s such a thing called ‘love,’ or haven’t you heard of it?”
“In songs, sad to say, only in songs. Let’s break for another commercial.”
“L-O-V-E” (2:38)
“And will you look what the cat dragged-in: it’s our very own General with his blackboard on wheels.”
“Stand at attention whenever addressing a superior officer, son, or didn’t they teach you that in Boot Camp?”
“They certainly did, sir, they certainly did.”
“And you took the Oath to the Constitution, didn’t you?”
“The day I joined-up, yes, sir.”
“And what kind of uniform do you call that?”
“I call it my civilian uniform, sir.”
“It would surely sadden me to have to put you on report, soldier.”
“Yes, sir, I’m sure the General would be made sad, yes sir.”
“I understand that you had some kind of quiz show, is that correct?”
“Yes, sir, and it just so happened that our first contestant was also the winner.”
“Nonsense. How come you didn’t ask Nancy Pelosi or Adam Schiff any questions?”
“Because members of Congress are automatically exempt, sir. I mean, how could you have a viable contest of who the dumbest of us are when you know that a certain segment of our population are sure winners?”
“Good answer, son. Now let me ask you this: there was a riot at a Chicago high school the other day about an alleged ‘culturally-insensitive act.’ Now the point I’m making is that this is the tip of the iceberg; in other words, this culture clash will never end as long as we allow Muslims in our country. We have a solution but we lack the leadership. Dismissed.”
“Aye-aye, General. And off he goes, pushing his chalkboard on wheels down the sidewalk. And off we go and so, on behalf of the crew, thanks for watching as I wish each and every one of you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“God show. Burger time: my treat.”
“Shake It Up” (3:39)