by OPOVV, ©2019

(Aug. 1, 2019) — La Grange, IL.: A vigilante mob attacked a homeowner in suburban Chicago yesterday for mowing his lawn perpendicular to the street. Roving Reporter, for ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ was on hand to interview a mob participant. “So, what’s the problem?” “Isn’t it obvious? Look at the lines on his lawn; they don’t match the rest of the lawns. The man is a racist and must be punished appropriately.” “So you attack him and his family and attempt to burn down his house?” “Why, of course: after all, it’s a racist nest, isn’t it?”

Crow Indian Reservation, MT: A Crow Indian husband brought a divorce decree to the Tribal Council on the grounds that his wife has ‘racist tendencies’ for being proud that her son has a good job and that her daughter has just become a Registered Nurse, specializing in Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy. ‘Pulse of the Nation’ was on hand to conduct the interview. “So, what’s the problem?” “She raves about Trump all day and I just can’t take win after win after win.” “So what’s wrong with that?” “It’s racist, that’s what it is, and I don’t like it.” “Did you vote for Trump?” “Why, of course I did. Do I look like a stupid idiot to you? If you say yes, I’ll scalp you.”

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ your one stop for what you need to know. As you can see, we’re back in Professor Zorkophsky’s office here at the university to find out about the word ‘racist,’ where it came from and what it really means. So, Professor, tell us all about it.”

“Please, Roving, let’s not be so formal: address me as ‘Zork’ in my comfortable office.”

“Well, I guess, but could we go someplace else where we can have some peace and quiet? What’s with all these pipes and all of these workers?”

“Bobsled run, what else? Okay, what do you say we go into the meditation chamber over this way; watch the extension cords, please. Like it?”

“Quiet as a church mouse. Okay, what about the word ‘racism?’”

“The first use of the word is attributed to a monk who misspelled a word while transcribing the Bible in the Middle Ages. It was an accident; he spilled some ink, so rather than start over he drew a picture of a fish and, hence, the word ‘racism’ miraculously appeared.”

“What word was he writing when the ink spilled?”


“But there’s no elephants in the Bible.”

“Of course not: he spilled the ink while he was writing about Noah’s Ark.”

“No kidding?”

“If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’.”

“So tell us more about the word ‘racist.’”

“It means someone who is quite a bit slow on the ‘uptake.’ Look, it’s just as stupid as denying education to women.”

“But there must be more.”

“At one time the word actually had a real meaning, as in a member of the KKK or a voter casting their ballot for Obama just because he has a high amount of melanin, or dark pigment in his skin; because of that, you could label a racist’ and be quite correct. Nowadays it’s become the refuge of the illiterate, as in ‘The Professor wanted me to figure out the derivative, so he must be a racist.’ See?”

“So the word that once had meaning now has none?”

“Absolutely meaningless, and I’ll tell you why. Of all the time Trump has been called a racist, there has not been one instance of his actually being a racist. His detractors talk a lot, but offer absolutely no evidence.”

“Sounds like the so-called Russian Collusion: all talk but without a shred of evidence. So what gives? What’s wrong with people?”

“Shallow, worthless lives makes for shallow, worthless human beings, is what I’m saying. These people are turning their backs on thousands of years of fighting City Hall only to hand the keys back to the oppressors. Government is a necessary evil, but that doesn’t give anyone the authority to make it any more evil than it already is, and these Democrats want even more government, more evil, more corruption and more turning the clock back to the days of concentration camps, showers and crematories. Socialism is the scourge of enlightenment; of free speech; of researching for truths; of ever reaching for the stars.”

“Doesn’t sound promising, does it?”

“Socialism is the epitome of mediocrity; the dead-end of enlightenment; the death of imagination; and the final nail into the coffin of freedom, but, for some obscure reason or reasons, the slow thinkers — the mentally-challenged among us, can’t seem to connect the dots from WWII Germany to yesterday’s Cuba and today’s Venezuela. Lowering the bar of common sense is what’s happening, and if you don’t believe me just listen to one of the Democratic debates:  ridiculousness about healthcare for illegal immigrants and ‘reparations*’ to people who don’t deserve it from people who don’t deserve to pay it.”

“Well-put, Zork, and with that, on behalf of the crew, I’ll have to wish all of our viewers a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Good show, Zork. Join us for burgers: my treat.”

[*reparations: If there was a group of people in the United States that would deserve consideration for “reparations,” it would be the American Indian “Loon Lake Powwow ’09, Men’s Traditional Spacial Part 1” (2:26), but we don’t ask for handouts from people who have been dead and gone for over a century, and no one else should, either. The solution is to get off the booze, the drugs, Welfare and get a job, save your money and try and improve yourself rather than cry and whine about make-believe excuses for personal failures. Other minorities are hampered by the likes of Louis Farrakhan and Al Sharpton, two who whine and cry the loudest: really disgusting. I’d be ashamed, and anybody else should, also, begging for something you don’t deserve: really disgusting.]

Bring It On Home to Me” (3:34)


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