“IT’S REALLY A JOKE BOOK”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Jul. 26, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation’ where, as you can see, we’re back in Professor Zorkophsky‘s rather nice digs, right here at the university. So, Professor, for those of our viewers who may have missed it, how come you rate a whole building of your own?”
“Ah, a great question that truly deserves a great answer. There are not many questions one can answer with just one word, but, if there ever was one, this is it. And, Roving, please address me as ‘Zork’ since we’re here at my palatial office, a relaxing atmosphere if there ever was one. Here, let me show you my latest gadget, a true money-making machine if there ever was one.”
“Okay, ‘Zork’ it is. Now, would you please answer the question in, what did you say, one word?”
“Precisely, and I will, I most certainly will.”
“Wait a minute; you’re pulling my leg. Why, if I didn’t know you better, I’d say you’re gearing up to run for a public office; am I right?”
“You win! Yes, I am, as you say, ‘gearing up for a public office,’ that’s why I can’t really answer your question, but then if I wasn’t running for office I’d answer, as I said, in one word.”
“We’re waiting.”
“Money.”
“So you, what, make ‘donations’ to the university and, in return, get this building to do whatever you want, right?”
“Right.”
“So when you make a donation, you’re, in a way, donating to yourself, right?”
“It’s to a non-profit entity, which makes me a philanthropist.”
“Congratulations. How much did the word ‘philanthropist‘ cost you?”
“Twenty million*.”
“And the yacht?”
“On the title I have it listed as a ‘research vessel.’”
“And the new Porsche?”
“Transportation.’ Heck, why are you so picky? A non-profit takes a lot of work; besides, we’re building a new sports arena. The fencing hall I’ll name after you if that’s okay with you.”
“I’ll pass; thanks just the same. So, how about showing me what’s new?”
“Okay. See this machine? It’s a perfume-maker and it’ll make me a lot of money.”
“You ‘donated’ this machine to the university?”
“That I did. I decided to make a cologne for men, I mean, scent that is really manly that the women will be sure to notice. Here, smell this one.”
“Why, it smells like a semi-truck.”
“That’s our ‘Sweet City Bus Aftershave’ lotion. Here, try this one: ‘Pit Stop.’”
“Why, it smells like burnt oil!”
“Precisely! See, isn’t it wonderful? I donate the machine to the university, make the product, and split the profits 90-10.”
“Don’t tell me: you get the 90%.”
“But of course I do; after all, it was my idea. Now, about my book: I think the title says it all, don’t you?”
“I guess — I mean — then why buy it?”
“Because it’s really a joke book, that’s why. It traces the day the Democratic Party died, when JFK was shot, until the Mueller hearing the other day. And in appendix #1 I tell the story of how people went from the cotton plantation to the Welfare plantation; how the government schools in those plantations made sure that the graduates could barely read nor write. And in appendix #2 I explain the history of fraudulent voting, including all those ballots found in the trunks of cars in Minnesota all the way to Alaska to make sure Al Franken won the senate seat so Obamacare would pass.”
“Now it sounds rather interesting, but I don’t see anything funny about it.”
“No, not funny ha-ha, funny as in your funny-bone hit, that kind of funny.”
“But that hurts.”
“Just as the Democratic Party is hurting the whole country. Used to be, no matter which party had the majority, it was for the common good. Not so anymore, is it?”
“You got that right: just ask any Angel Mom. Look, good luck with your book and the men’s cologne, but it’s that time to wish all of our viewers, on behalf of the crew, a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Great show, Zork. May I try some of that diesel-fumes aftershave? Burger time: my treat.”
[*Twenty million: money from books sales and screenwriting credits from Hollywood movies.]
“We’ve Only Just Begun” (2:58)