by OPOVV, ©2019

Photo: purplegillian at Pixabay

(Jun. 7, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the inventor’s pinnacle, ‘The New Gizmo Invention Convention,’ taking place in our own city, right here in the university’s basketball stadium. Hello, my name is Roving, and standing next to me is our good friend Professor Zorkophsky, who will guide us through this complicated maze of, mostly, electronic gadgets. Hello, Professor, what do you have to show us?”

“Hello, Roving and viewers and, please, Roving, call me ‘Zork’ since we’re here at the trade show, a relaxed atmosphere if there ever was one.”

“Okay, Zork, what’s first on the list?”

“In this booth we have what’s called a ‘Relationship Wellness Meter.’ The hand is now pointing to ‘You’re in the Doghouse,’ but there’s also a ‘Little Better’ and one that says, ‘At Least Try.’”

“And what’s the suggested retail price of this item?”

“One hundred dollars.”

“My I see it, please? Why, this meter doesn’t even move.”

“Hey, everybody: Roving here thinks that the meter should move!”

Sounds of raucous laughter echo throughout the hall.

Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song” (3:03)

“Funny; we’ll just edit that first part out, at least the laughter part. Alright, how about showing us something a little bit different?

“If you’ll step across the way, in this booth we have a ‘Truthful-Scope,’ and to explain it all, meet Liz.”

“How do you do, Liz? So this is, what, a lie detector under another name?”

“Go ahead, Roving, turn it on. There, on channel 1 there’s Rachel Maddow and on 2 you’ll see Morning Joe and on 3 there’s The View.”

“So what am I looking at, reruns?”

“But of course, what do you expect? Hey, everybody, Roving expected to hear something different from a bunch of liars!”

Sounds of raucous laughter ring throughout the building.

Trying to Get to You” (2:30)

“You got me again, Zork: care for a hat trick*?”

“No, thanks. Here’s a booth with a viewing area where those who are pro-abortion can watch full-term babies being murdered. And this man needs no introduction, does he?”

“Certainly not: how you doing, Pastor Dunkin?”

“Where you been, Roving? I’ve been promoted to Bishop.”

“Hot dog; congratulations, Bishop Dunkin. What a pleasant surprise; so, what you got going here?”

“We’re pushing bringing back the poll tax, but in this case it’s you have to watch the video and take a bus ride and then – and only then – will you be qualified to vote for or against abortion.”

“Bus ride to where and what for?”

“Well, if you’re still convinced that women can’t figure out all the different birth control methods, if the films can’t sway you, then we’ll bus you to a Planned Parenthood Clinic and let you hold a newborn and ask you to murder it: I mean, as long as we’re talking turkey, let’s lay it all out on the table, no pun intended, believe me.”

“We believe you, Bishop Dunkin. You know, I took a young woman to an abortion clinic once and after she walked through that door I went to the desk and told the people there that maybe the girl was making a mistake, at which point they told me to leave the premises or they’d call the cops and have me arrested if I said ONE MORE WORD. I was then escorted out of the office, down the elevator and out of the building where I was given a final warning.”

“You ever tell the girl what you did?”

“What, are you kidding? Of course not, but it’s something that I’ve truly regretted. Maybe she would’ve gone through with it anyway, but I’ll never know, will I?”

“Was it yours?”

“I don’t know. At the time I didn’t think so but now I don’t think it mattered one way or the other.”

“Death is the final arbitrator, Roving.”

“It’s the saddest lesson that we will ever learn, isn’t it?”

“Yes, which is why I’m so enthused about what we’re trying to do here.”

“Well, congratulations on your promotion and good luck on your booth. See you in church.”

“You only show up when we have a barbecue in the back, but better then than never. Bye.”

Which Way Does that Old Pony Run?” (4:21)

“Okay, Zork, what do you have in store from us next?”

“I’m glad you asked because here is a very interesting contraption.”

“Contraption? It look like a phone booth; so what gives?”

“What you do is walk on in, close the door and dial G-O-D.”

“And then what?”

“God will ask, ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ and if you answer in the affirmative he’ll erase your memory. And that’s it.”

“What, make you an amnesiac?”

“But selectively. You forget every bad memory but remember your name, how to drive and which fork is for the salad; that sort of thing; all you got to do is become a Democrat.”

“No way. What fool would do such a thing? Replace bad memories with being brain-dead? No way.”

“I didn’t think so. Actually, this machine has been around for a number of years and nobody has ever tried it.”

“So nobody ever called God?”


“Okay, that does it for this show, but I’d like to say this: if we were truly a civilized country we’d run everyone who spouts Socialism out of town on a rail after we’d tar and feather them. Alright, on behalf of the crew and Zork, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Another feather in Pulse’s cap. Burger time: my treat.”

[*Hat trick: three goals by one player at a hockey game.]

I’ll Remember You” (4:11)


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