“THE LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE”
by OPOVV, ©2019
(Feb. 3, 2019) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that exposes our current state of ridiculous that’s running rapidly from coast to coast. Hello, my name is Roving, as in Roving Reporter (RR), and I’ll be your host for this deviation for your mind to enjoy, and if anyone gets offended by any real or perceived slight, well, decorum limits my response from ‘too bad’ to ‘it’s a real shame.’ There; I feel better about what we are about to experience and I hope you do, too. And because of yet another visit from Old Man Winter, we’re back in the pleasant surroundings of Professor Zorkophsky’s. Thank you, Professor Zorkophsky, for agreeing to yet another waste of time.”
“And don’t we know it. I tell you, Roving, some of your episodes are downright careless of your viewers’ time. Here, before you go off the deep end, let me cite some examples that I’ve listed in my new book, ‘America: The New Frontier of Crybabies.’ See, right here, in Chapter 2, and I quote: ‘Since when do we call 9-1-1 for a torn nail?’ And that’s just for starters. And call me ‘Zork,’ if you would, since there’s no need to be so formal right here in my office, my home away from home.”
“Okay, Zork. And I agree, since husbands across the land experience a nail crisis more often than not. ‘Oh, look what I’ve done: I’ve torn a nail!’ and it’s said with such conviction, akin to, ‘Oh, will you look at that, a shark took my leg.’ This is experience talking: you better have a comeback, the least of which is ‘I’m sorry’ – go ahead, be a man and take the blame – to ‘Oh, how thoughtless of me: I just ran out of “Hope You Get Well” cards; what do you say we run down to the sympathy greeting card store and buy some?’”
“Yes, you are quite correct, Roving. Now what do you say we start over when you ask me about my new best-selling book?”
“Okay, Zork, maybe later, but first I want to know your take on this blackface [“Swanee” (2:02)] hoop-la?”
“You know, don’t you, that men used to act the women parts in plays? It’s true, from Greek Tragedies to Shakespeare, and not that long ago.”
“Yes, but there came a point when Mozart [“Piano Concerto No. 21” (3:15)] outdid everybody in the overt lavishness of his operas, where, once again, genius set a new standard.”
“Yes, that’s often the case, isn’t it? That’s when we mere mortals spend the rest of our lives catching up.”
“Which was, by the way, how the phrase ‘Keeping up with the Joneses’ started.”
“From Mozart? He started it?”
“And then Einstein took it to a whole new level.”
“I’m sure he did. Look, about this blackface…?
“Oh, back to that, are we? Well, you just have to read my book, since I answer that very question in Chapter 7: ‘Want a weather report? Look out the window.’”
“Very accommodating, but, listen, Zork, we’re not here to hawk your new book; rather, we’re here to get your take on this blackface uproar that has offended people.”
“You want the truth? People aren’t offended, okay? People are told how to feel about everything these days. People have no real emotions; they’re all manufactured in ‘La-la Land.’”
“Okay; I’ll bite. ‘La-la Land?’”
“The same place where suspended reality is born; made-up; manufactured. The same place where Robert Mueller and Rod Rosenstein and all the other writers of fiction dwell. It’s the land of make-believe, where Russian Collusion is treated as fact, like the Warren Commission and ‘Hands up, don’t shoot.’”
“Interesting. Go on.”
“Back in the 1950’s, Hollywood wanted more realism, so they would use props in the theaters. For instance, a horror show once had a skeleton moving along a wire suspended above the audience at the appropriate time for maximum shock value, making the audience part of what was on the silver screen.”
“So this blackface is, what, nothing but a costume?”
“And ‘Gone with the Wind’ didn’t have any slaves or Yankees or Rebels in it; ‘Cleopatra’ didn’t have any Romans, and movies with headhunters don’t have real cannibals, just actors that have to pay their rent and taxes just like the rest of us. Statues of Confederate generals don’t offend anybody, but ignorance is a downer for all.”
“And where does ignorance come from?”
“Laziness and lack of opportunity, which is why the library is the one most powerful tool free people have to keep their freedom; that is to say, as long as the government keeps their cotton-pickin’ hands off of it, which is unlikely.”
“Now why do you say that?”
“I say that because, ever since the end of World War II, the freedoms our ancestors enjoyed have eroded to the point where people say they are ‘offended’ for trivial inconsequential nonsense. It’s like they’re fixated on someone walking a strange dog on their front yard while the accomplices are wheeling out the stove, refrigerator, dishwasher, washer and dryer, not to mention the dish cabinet (with grandma’s dishes) and dining room table and chair set.”
“So it’s all for nothing?”
“Yes, in reality that’s true, but ignorant and stupid people can be just as dangerous and unpredictable as, well, as any of us can be if we were ignorant and stupid. Wait: that didn’t come out right. What I meant to say is that there’s no excuse to fall in line; I mean, so what? What’s the big deal? When you see an American Indian with war paint on in a movie or play, so what, especially when everyone in the audience knows that there’s a mighty slim chance that the actor isn’t a real Indian, you savvy? Be a pretty sad universe where Little Green Men are really orange glitter and take umbrage on our sci-fi movies, wouldn’t it? Be a mighty shame being attacked because we offended anyone, or thing.”
“Yes, that’s true. So this blackface is much ado about nothing?”
“About nothing and then about something: as meaningless as statues or books offending anyone; as meaningless as removing Mark Twain from library shelves; just as meaningless as replacing the Constitution with some other form of law that doesn’t afford women equal rights, for instance. What I’m saying is that, taken all together, these meaningless things add up to be meaningful, so much so, before you know it we’re looking around and asking ourselves what happened.”
“I understand: eternal vigilance, as in every day. We show Muslim women on TV wearing hijabs, as if that’s the new normal, which it is, a legacy of Obama and all our other unprincipled fellow citizens who can’t seem to extrapolate past actions into future exploits. And that’ll do it for us, I’m sorry to say, since our time has expired and so, on behalf of the crew and Zork, I’ll be wishing you a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. So you think the ignorant ones are going to be the end of our Republic, don’t you, Zork? Burger time: my treat.”
“I Threw It All Away” (2:48)