“PHONY-BALONEY JOBS”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Nov. 18, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another installment of the exciting news-info show, ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ Hello, my name is Roving, a lowly employee of this station that survives on the kindness of others garnered by advertising dollars which, I’m pleased to report, has at least stayed stable after my infamous contract dispute with the satellite companies of the world that, as most of you know, attempted to censor my ‘Truth about Islam’ series, an in-depth exposé of the words ‘peaceful and misunderstood’ from a Muslim’s point of view and Jesus’s teachings.
“And speaking of contracts, it says in mine I’m to read and respond to at least one letter per show which, I’m sorry to say, I don’t particularly enjoy because 99% of the questions are about the Talking Dog.”
“The dog asks if you have a problem with that.”
“What the…you know you shouldn’t sneak up on people?”
“You’re standing on a corner across the street from the railroad station and you say we snuck up on you?”
“Who’s talking, you or the dog?”
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: the dog telepathies and I articulate.”
“You know, I’m beginning to believe there is no Talking Dog; that it’s all made-up. Let’s take a break.”
“Fields of Gold” (5:00)
“We’re back. Now, you were going to say?”
“The dog says that you’re on the precipice of having your ankle nipped. The dog says you probably don’t believe in the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunnies, Santa Claus, Leprechauns, or Festivus. Just read a letter and get it over with.”
“Molly, our sound-boom operator, is handing me a letter which reads:
Dear Mr. Roving,
How come you don’t have the Talking Dog on more?
Miss Ketchum’s 3rd Grade Class
“See what I mean? Thanks a lot for such a great letter, little kiddies and teachers everywhere. And what do you say we get this show on the road? Let me ask you this: what’s your take on these FLORID-DAH elections?”
“The Talking Dog says she’ll give 10% of the county employees as being dedicated, honest and competent while the other 90% are worthless.”
“What else does the dog say? Oh, excuse me, we have to break for another commercial.”
“So Far Away” (3:57)
“The dog says you’re asking for it so you better cool it. The dog says that the county-employee hierarchy is the worst form of utilizing resources to the benefit of all. The dog says that the mindset of a county employee is nothing but a blueprint on getting by until retirement; that’s it’s geared to ‘not make waves’; that it teaches to ‘look the other way.’ In short, the mindset of a county employee is to become nothing but a bump on a log, and just as worthless.”
“So what is ‘county government?’”
“It’s a means of welfare where the beneficiaries have to pick up the check in person versus having the check mailed. It’s a Socialist form of government where any grievance, any whistleblower, is censored. There are no Constitutional Rights available, although they say there are.”
“That bad? Care to give us an example after yet another commercial break?”
“Can’t Help Falling in Love” (2:59)
“Picture this: boss of the Palm Beach County airport maintenance hands an employee the keys to a work truck to load up a pressure washer to clean a section of the parking lot. The employee does as he is told and returns the truck and lays the keys on the boss’s desk at quitting time. The next morning the employee is fired on the grounds of ‘stealing a county truck.’ The employee protests and even goes to the union where he is told that they can’t help him because he is a thief: end of story. That’s how Socialism works: nothing other than being trapped in a Kafka nightmare for the rest of your life.”
“They don’t tell you the truth about Socialism, do they?”
“Hardly. The dog says that a zombie’s brain is fried; flat-lined; nobody home, just like the brain of 90% of our government’s bureaucrats, which is why they supported Obama and Hillary: ‘We’ve gotta protect out phony-baloney jobs’ (0:20).”
“So maybe they’re not as dumb as they pretend to be.”
“Oh, no, they’re definitely as dumb as they pretend to be. They don’t seem to remember the ‘First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out…‘ But getting back to being dumb, to living dumb, the reason why the government employees are so vehemently ant-Trump is because they’re in their pleasant-no-wave cocoon: doing nothing and getting paid or, as Lois Lerner did, getting paid to break the law; to violate the trust of the very people whom they swore to protect.”
“You make it sound like the chance of redemption for a politician/government employee is pretty slim. Let’s take another break.”
“Deep River Blues” (3:43)
“Talking Dog does not have forked tongue; does not watch the NFL; does not do drugs, smoke or drink: just tells it like it is. The dog says to take it or leave it. We come into the world with nothing; the least we can do is try and make it a little better.”
“Well, imagine that: words of wisdom from a dog. And so, seeing that our time has expired, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Would you and the dog join us for a burger?”
“The dog says, ‘Will do.’ Who’s buying?”
“Okay, everyone, burger time: my treat.”
“Time of the Season” (3:35)