“WAGING THE WAR”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Sep. 30, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘The Pulse of the Nation,’ the ever-popular one-stop truth injection for your brain. Hello, my name is Roving and, as you can see, we’re back on our corner, under the awning, across from the railroad depot. Our job is to waylay people about to catch the train and ask them what’s their major concern: in other words, what’s bugging them the most. Excuse me, sir; oh, I remember you, we had you on a couple of weeks ago; you’re that playwright, aren’t you?”
“Bingo! You just won two free tickets to my latest play, ‘The Gullibles,’ and opening night is this Friday; will you be able to make it?”
“What’s it about?”
“It’s about Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination and Senate hearing but, in order to avoid any potential lawsuits, we call the leading man ‘Ivanhoe.’ It’s set in the olden days of what once was ‘Merry Old England’ and, I must tell you, the stage settings will blow you away, it’s so realistic: makes you believe you’re actually in a castle during the time of the Round Table.”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. So how about telling the viewers about it and anything else?”
“Oh, for sure; thank you. Folks, the admission is just $10 but if you wear a MAGA hat you get in for free. And if you’re one of those… How does one tell a person they’re really stupid without hurting their feelings?”
“Well, you could give them directions of how to get to a puppy-petting corral or maybe hand out crying towels. Me? I just call them an Obot; maybe say, ‘I bet you voted for Hillary.’ Look, we’ve got to take a break.”
“Crying Time”(2:58)
“Okay, we’re back. Sure, I’ll be at your play. So I take it ‘The Gullibles’ are Senators Feinstein and Flake?”
“That’s right, and all the other nitwits. Actually, I could’ve very well written it as a tragedy, like Macbeth, but I opted to write it as a comedy. Now I know what you’re going to say: that the attacks on Kavanaugh and his family aren’t in the least funny, and they’re not, but that’s not even mentioned. No; it’s about the nitwits who are waging the war against Kavanaugh and, by proxy, President Trump and the Constitution.”
“Well, it sounds really interesting and I’ll surely be there.”
“Tell you what, here’s an extra six tickets: hope you all show up. And here’s my train. Bye.”
“Break a leg and thanks! Isn’t that what they say? Now what? Oh, look who’s here: it’s Billy, our sports editor. Why aren’t you at work?”
“Had to go to the DMV. Hey, here’s a question for you: if the city, county, state and federal governments work for us, the taxpayers, how come they can’t conduct business that’s convenient for us, the people; how come?”
“You mean why aren’t they open for business when working people don’t have to work?”
“You got it.”
“Good question, and I agree wholeheartedly, as I’m sure each and every viewer out there does. That’s a good question; I’ll have to ask Madam Shylock that the next time I see her, but I think it has something to do with unions. So, tell us, what’s on your plate for today?”
“Well, now, I’ve exhausted why the NFL is ancient history, and Joe Namath had one too many concussions, so that subject is closed. But as the NFL shot themselves in the foot… By the way, if I was the head of the NFL, I would’ve fired that Colin Kaepernick character the first time he kneeled, so how come I’m living on a shoestring and the owners got this no-nothing-unpatriotic-idiot in charge, Roger Goodell, tell me that? You know he makes many millions a year; heck, I’d do his job a lot better for a lot less.”
“Let me tell you a story: I dated this woman who judged things by its price and not its worth, understand? Now, what are you working on today?”
“Well, I was saying the NFL is history and Formula 1 is a close second.”
“Why is that?”
“Because this driver laps the track fastest in qualifying, right? So he gets pole position: he starts the race at the front, and he stays in front. But near the end of the race he’s told by the team to let the driver in the car behind him win the race. Now listen: both cars are on the same team so the team would get the same number of points no matter who won, understand?”
“Yes, I do understand: so this driver who qualified first and led the race purposely let the driver behind him, the second place car, finish first? That doesn’t sound right; it sounds just like a fixed boxing match, is what it sounds like. Except the fix isn’t behind closed doors; it’s right out in front for millions to see*.”
“You got it. And furthermore, this driver who they let win isn’t the most popular driver, at least among the fans; the announcers love him, but not the fans. So that’s why, starting after today, we’ll stop broadcasting any F1 results; why bother if no one cares, just like the NFL. We haven’t done an NFL segment in over two years, I’m proud to say.”
“I’m with you there. And so our time is up; another memorable show and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Good show. Hey, Billy: join us for burgers: my treat.”
[*For millions to see: the fix; the purposeful manipulation of the tabulation of the number of points (whatever it takes, even in-your-face cheating) to finish first.]
[A hearty THANK YOU to all the schools who use the editorials by OPOVV as a teaching tool. I’m told that each hyperlink is studied and that the scope of the material is greatly appreciated. Thanks, OPOVV]
“It’s Over” (2:48)