by OPOVV, ©2018

Graphic credit: Clker at Pixabay via CC0

(Aug. 7, 2018) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to yet another exciting episode of ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ Hello, my name is Roving and I’ll be your host for this evening’s entertainment. For those of you who aren’t familiar with our format, we interview people about to hop on the commuter train, catch them off-guard and ask them what’s going on with their lives. Excuse me sir, Roving here for ‘Pulse.’ Mind if we ask a question?”

“Make it quick, Mr. Roving, I’ve got an important engagement downtown; they’re adding a new exhibit at the Egyptian Museum and I wouldn’t want to miss the opening ceremonies.”

“That’s interesting. Mind telling us your name and what this new exhibit is all about?”

“Well, my name is Undecided and the exhibit is the latest theory of how the pyramids were built.”

“Wait a minute; you said you name is ‘Undecided’? Are you for real? Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but even I can’t make this stuff up. Why did your parents give you name like that?”

“Because that’s what they wrote on the Birth Certificate: Undecided. They had a whole list but they just couldn’t make a decision.”

“And it stuck? So when you were in 4th grade you were called ‘Undecided’? ‘Undecided, will you please come to the blackboard and do some sums?’

“But of course: that’s my name. I’d have thought you’d be asking questions about the pyramids instead of my name.”

“Look, face it: pyramids are boring; they’re not, like, going anywhere.”

“But I am because here’s my train.”

“Oh, no, you’re not getting away that easily. Besides, there’s a train every seven minutes this time of the morning. Mind if I ask you what you do for a living?”

“Not at all: I’m a vacuum cleaner salesman; I sell vacuum cleaners.”

“Sounds rather boring, if you don’t mind me saying so.”

“No, I don’t mind; well, maybe a little, but not much. I’m very good at what I do, by the way.”

“I’m all ears.”

“It’s like this: you have your ‘Obots’; you know, a bunch of good-for-nothing lazy bums who never appreciated America, her flag and her National Anthem. And never worked a day in their life; just lived off mom and dad or collected Welfare (same thing). And then the 2016 elections came along, and these lazy bums crawled out from the basements of America and voted for Hillary, but Hillary didn’t win so they went back to the basements, which was driving mom and pop crazy, right?”

“I guess; I know it would me.”

“So I came up with a fail-safe marketing plan, geared specifically for the brain-dead of America: disguise the manual labor of vacuuming a carpet into a ‘Science Fiction Real Time Game to Save the World,’ and it worked.”

“What worked?”

“To get the lazy bums off the couch and help mom clean the house, that’s what.”

“I’m still ‘ears.’”

“This is how I do it: I say to the lazy bums that there’s little critters living in the carpet, right? Maybe fleas are living in the carpet and this vacuum cleaner that I’m selling has lights in the front. And then I tell them that maybe, just maybe, Be the Martian! You know, like in H. G. Wells’s The War of the Worlds.’”

“Wait: you’re selling a vacuum cleaner as a Death Ray? Is that about it? To help mom clean the house?”

“You bet. And, on the side, I sell a kit:  you know, plastic Snap-ons and decals that make the vacuum cleaner look like the real McCoy, a real Martian death ray; I even recorded a sound-effect CD, so the operator — The Zapper — can listen to the sound effects from the movie on the ‘Death Ray Operator Approved Headphones.’”

“Let me see if I’ve got this right: you sell vacuum cleaners disguised as a game for humans to be the Martians to wipe out the human race, and that appeals to the Obots and the Antifa bums?”

“You bet, but I upped the ante: I put a subliminal message in my sound-effect tape.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask, but what’s the message?”

’Win a Million Dollars if you can cite one instance on the planet earth when Socialism has ever worked.’ And this is my train. Nice to have talked with you: bye.”

“Enjoy the Grand Opening, Undecided, and thanks for talking with us. Well, I see that our time has expired and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Imagine going through life with a name like that: Undecided. Neat trick to get the bums to do something constructive with their lives, isn’t it? What do you say we grab a couple of burgers: my treat.”

Hello Mary Lou


Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.