“SOMETHING IS AMISS”
by OPOVV, ©2018
(Apr. 12, 2018) — “Sir, the CNO* is on line one.”
“Hello, your Highness; I mean, Captain Monroe speaking, US NAVY Academy of Piloting.”
“Billy? Is that you? I thought you’d sailed off the edge of the earth; we haven’t heard from you in almost a year. What’s going on out there?”
“I don’t know what you mean, Admiral.”
“Tarnation, Billy, you were always slow on the uptake. Now listen: what are you doing about getting our Navy back in the news? I’m getting concerned looks from the Secretary of Defense; why, how can I possibly submit our budget if we can’t replace our floating things?”
“You mean ‘ships,’ Admiral?”
“You hard of hearing? Of course I mean ships. But what I really called you about is those things that go under the water.”
“You mean submarines?”
“That would be ‘submarines, Sir,’ sailor.”
“You mean submarines, Sir?”
“Come to think of it, I think I do. Now listen, you did real good on having a couple of our ships collide with other ships, and I gave you a medal for it; I forget which one.”
“A Bronze Star, Sir. Thank you.”
“Well, you did good back then. Besides, it even-upped your ribbons on your uniform. I hate clutter, Billy. Can’t stand it, which is why my desk only has a picture of my dog on it. People ask about that and I point to the photograph of the wife on the back of the door. Now, how can I help you? I want it to be known that I’m always on call for my troops.”
“Ah, you called me, Admiral, remember?”
“That would be a ‘remember, Sir.’”
“You called me, Admiral, Sir.”
“Chain of command, Billy, chain of command, always remember the chain of command. Now, the reason I called is that we’ve been out of the news an awfully long time. Now, let’s get down to it: what do you say we have a carrier run over one of those things that go under and then, I don’t know how — what they do, take their air with them? – and then come up. Why go under in the first place? If God wanted sailors to go under the water, oh, I don’t know, maybe we should have gills. You ever think that’s the case, Billy?”
“’Gills,’ Sir?”
“You heard me, sailor. Now, I want us back in the news and I think you’re the man for the job. Teach those new captains of yours not to be so timid in ship-handling maneuvers; you act like a bunch of over-concerned mothers at the playground.
“And speaking of mothers, our budget is beyond the scuppers** designing quarters for women. Whoever heard of women on ships besides hospital ships? Not even the Greeks were that far gone.”
“Sir, we’ve a couple of Flattops*** in the Pacific.”
“That’s real good, Billy, but the Pacific is mighty big. That Captain Bligh was one heck of a navigator; lousy captain; couldn’t hold his crew together, could he? Chain of command, Billy, now that’s the key. Now listen: we need another collision or two to get us back on page one. The Army and the Marines have displaced us by crashing their helicopters, haven’t they? Turn-to, Billy, and get us aback on PAGE ONE.”
“Aye-aye, Sir.”
“Carry on.”
[*CNO: Chief of Naval Operations.]
[**scuppers: ship gutters; allows water to drain from decks.]
[***Flattops: US Navy aircraft carrier; Bird Farm.]
[Okay, not to make light of our sailors killed and injured, but something is amiss. We have a military that allows people to serve when those same types wouldn’t have been accepted just 20 years ago. Who in the heck has been standing watches on our fighting ships, anyway? Look, we need the Draft: there’s no downside to it and, yes, everybody must serve for at least two years. And one more thing: every person who holds a job in law enforcement must have served in the military, and that includes the FBI. If the FBI agents who recently raided Trump’s lawyer’s office had questioned the order, I’m sure they would have said, “Sorry, Sir, no can do. Sounds a little too much like an illegal order to us FBI agents, and we’re all lawyers, on top of having taken the Oath to defend and protect the CONSTITUTION of the united States when we served in the military. Are we clear on that? Same page, I hope?”]
“Octopus’s Garden” (2:49)