by OPOVV, ©2018

(Mar. 22, 2018) — [NOTE: The producers insert the commercials that you see on television, therefore we have no control over the content or the timing. Cheryl, our secretary/office manager and payroll clerk chooses the songs (that are substituted in the transcript — that is to be found in The P&E).]

Commercial: “This Little Girl” (2:36)

“Hey, Sarge, tell us why we’re here again.”

“That’s right, but this time leave out the ‘hearts and minds.’

“And leave out the word ‘democracy’ if you would; I’ve seen enough women being whacked on the side of the head to last me a lifetime, as if once wasn’t enough.”

“Tell us about the Poppy Fields, could you do that?”

“No, he can’t do that. Didn’t you get the memo from the Joint Chiefs: ‘Henceforth the areas designated by the dollar sign ($) will be off-limits to all military personnel, and that includes choppers and planes’?”

“Okay, I got it, but I don’t have to like it. Like seeing how they treat the helpless really makes me sick.”

“Remember now, ‘hearts and minds.’ Look, we all feel the same way, so…”

“So what? We keep our mouths shut?”

“Well, what can you do about it anyway? Look, you’re the lowest of the low; you’re so low-down that a Navy Seaman Recruit is like a Brigadier General to you.”

“I am not. I’m a United States Marine Private First Class.”

“I’m not knockin’ that: I’d never do that, but take a step back and look around you and tell me what you see.”

“I see a bunch of Marines staring at me as if I’m from Outer Space.”

“No, I’m serious. What we standing on?”

“We’re standing on the ground, what else?”

“Well, then, what do you see around us? What are these big heavy things called?”


“That’s right. But these particular rocks are the most desirable rocks in this whole godforsaken place. And that’s why we’re here.”

“I wouldn’t want to question our Generals, but it seems lake a waste of resources having us out here in the boondocks, don’t you think?”

“Which is why we’re changing the subject. The next subject we’ll talk about is how each of us messed up a relationship. I’ll go first. I was dating a real nice girl who wanted me to meet her parents, so one day, on the way over to meet Mom and Dad, I stopped off at a bar and, you know, shot some pool and drank a few, right? So when I show up at her parents’ house the first thing she says, ‘You’re three hours late and you’re drunk!’ Can you believe that?”

“Well, what happened? What did you say?”

“I think I must’ve passed out because I woke up the next morning in my car with the message, ‘Don’t Bother’ written in lipstick on my windshield. What about you?”

“What happened? You ever call her?”

“Are you kidding? Go on, tell us your biggest mistake.”

“Well, I never told her how much she meant to me. I mean – now don’t laugh because I really believed it – to me she was the most beautiful girl in the world. I always thought, well, this is what I thought: I thought she was the most brilliant diamond and all the rest of the girls in the whole world were nothing more than grains of sand. And I never told her, even though I thought she was the brightest light in the universe.”

“Never told her? Not once?”

“I thought it would go to her head. I thought if she thought she was so hot than what was she doing with me.”

“Gee whiz, you’re nothing but a darn fool, that’s what you are. You should’ve told her. Money can’t buy love, you ought to know that. So what happened?”

“She cheated on me so I left.”

Commercial: “There’s More Where That Came From” (3:58)

“So someone else told her, but not the way you told it to us, I bet. Looks like you blew it, kid.”

“This is too depressing: what do you say we compare our most memorable Thanksgiving Dinners? Or maybe get sent back to the World and wipe out all those terrorist training camps in America: the Islamvilles.”

“How about the Sarge answering the question, first.”

“What was that?”

“What are we doing here?”

Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” (3:34)


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