“THE SUCCESS OF THE DRILL DEPENDS ON IT”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Nov. 14, 2017) — “As you were. First off, you’ve all worked very hard and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. I got a message ‘my eyes only’ this afternoon from the ‘Powers That Be,’ congratulating us on our excellent times on manning our Battle Stations and all of the other drills that we’ve done just about ad nauseam.
“But our hard work and record-setting times haven’t gone unnoticed and unappreciated. Starting today – this afternoon at 1400, to be precise — we’ll be having the honor of conducting the first ‘RAPARK’ drill, which stands for ‘RAmmed by strange ship in the dARK.’
“Since it’s left to my discretion where the phantom ship’s bow will plow into us, Mr. McGregor, our Engineering Officer, will turn on the overhead sprinkler system in the sleeping compartments that I’ll designate. A word of warning: I may construct a scenario where multiple ships ram us at the same time. I know it’s far-fetched, but then so was the idea that two Navy ships would be rammed in the first place.
“And to make the drill as real as possible, after chow I’ll make an announcement that the ship’s workday will cease due to a holiday that we overlooked.”
“What holiday would that be, Captain?”
“I think we overlooked the ‘Wild Animal Kingdom of Glacier National Park Appreciation Holiday,’ which honors the Grizzly, Bighorn Sheep, Jumping Mice and, of course, the Moose. So it’s up to you, the Department Heads, to turn the compartment lights to red so the crew gets the hint to hit their racks.
“But that’s not all: there’s a few more exciting drills that we’re going to try. For instance, we’re going to do the ‘Nidal Hasan with Knife Drill’ where one of the Marines will banish a machete on the mess decks. But enough talk; you’ve enough to do. Before I dismiss you, I understand that this is the first time we’ll be doing this so we’re all on the same page; we have to expect errors along the way, so pay particular attention to where the bottlenecks occur.
“Remember, the ship’s integrity has priority: compartments must be sealed which is why so many sailors drowned on those two ships that were rammed. Better to lose a few than have the ship sunk. Keep that in mind when you order the compartment sealed; the success of the drill depends on it. That is all.”