“NEEDLESS DISTRACTIONS”
by OPOVV, ©2017
(Sep. 19, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation.’ My name is Roving, and let’s get right down to it: the other day, during our historic broadcast with Washington, DC, and Florida, Professor Zorkophsky mentioned that he wasn’t overly enthusiastic about having women serving in combat and on our Navy’s blue water man-o’-wars. Immediately after the broadcast aired, our office was inundated with calls and emails denouncing the program, the station, Yours Truly, Trump, the USA, climate change deniers, free speech, all lives matter, statues, and tuition. So, once again, we have Zork on split screen video to explain himself. What gives, Zork?”
“Hello, Roving; sorry about the needless brouhaha. Obviously I didn’t make myself perfectly clear in what I said about women serving with men when the shooting starts. Here’s what I was implying: it is possible, mind you, that woman can be a distraction to men. Now I’m not saying that it’s the woman’s fault and I’m not saying it’s the men’s fault; all I’m saying is that it’s a fact of life and to deal with it. During times of combat the last thing anybody needs is a distraction; one needs to stay focused in order to survive.”
“Did you say ‘distraction?’ What, are you trying to open another can of worms?”
“That’s right, I did say ‘distraction’ and I’ll prove it by just one word, a word that no one can possibly impugn: “pregnancy.” I rest my case, except to say that on a Navy fighting ship, the last thing a sailor needs is women that he can’t, well, let’s say that jealousies and competition are all part of the equation that the Navy can do without.”
“That all makes sense. But what of a woman’s ability to fight?”
“History is replete with women in combat, so that’s not an issue; never has been. All I was addressing is, all things being equal, a squad or a fighting ship is more likely to be more effective without NEEDLESS distractions. It has absolutely nothing to do with a woman’s ability to push a button, pull a trigger or lug ammo and water. I am a fan of Joan of Arc, by the way, who was draining the swamp and got burned at the stake for her efforts.”
“Do say?”
“The moment she started to champion ‘Truth and Honor,’ the clock started ticking.”
“Excuse me, but we’ve got to break for a commercial.” “I’m Tired of These Blues” 7:10
“We lost our connection with Zork so let’s get on with the job of interviewing. Well, I’ll be a blue-nosed gopher, but look what the cat dragged in.”
“And the dog says ‘hello’ to you, too.”
“Look, everybody, it’s the Talking Dog.”
“Actually the dog doesn’t do the talking; the dog speaks through me and I do the actual talking.”
“But that’s nuts. Let me ask the dog what she thought of Professor Zorkophsky’s explanation of why he doesn’t want women on Navy fighting ships.”
“I heard you, she says. She says it makes perfect sense and she says she can explain it even better than the professor did.
“Picture a Navy ship; let’s make it a guided-missile frigate that’s manned by male dogs and then sit back and watch what happens when one female dog walks up the gangplank, followed by a few more. Let’s make the ratio between male dogs and female dogs 10:1 and let me ask you this: do you see a problem or, even better, CAN YOU ANTICIPATE A POTENTIAL PROBLEM?
“I rest my case: the male/female battle is too darn obvious to make an issue about. And would you please take me to the dog park; I’ve got to go. Oh, yes, I’m sorry. If you’ll excuse us, please?
“Oh, sorry, the dog wants to say that those Civil War statues have been in place for over a hundred years and nobody ever got offended or made anyone bonkers, so why all of a sudden do they ‘offend?’ She says it’s ‘Creeping Sharia’ and we best be paying attention. She says that Muslims kill dogs* (8:35); kill Man’s Best Friend because Muslims are not men and we – that would be us dogs – don’t want anything to do with the creeps, so there, she says. And she says to leave for the dog park, pronto. Bye.”
“Goodbye, Vietnam Veteran and Talking Dog. Wow, that was great, wasn’t it? And Molly, our sound-boom operator, is giving me the wrap-it-up sign and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing all of you viewers a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Wow, great show. About time the Talking Dog showed up. Burger time: my treat.”
[*Muslims kill dogs: this is one heck of a dog story.]
“Ain’t Going Down This Time” 5:07