They’re Never Around When You Need Them (RR)


by OPOVV, ©2017

(Jun. 29, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the top show in its time slot, ‘The Pulse of the Nation.’ Hello, I’m Professor Zorkophsky and will be filling in for Roving as your host for this episode. I’m reading from script that Roving wrote and there’s a note at the bottom that reads: ‘Remember: being politically-correct means you are Constitutionally incorrect. Stifling free speech for fear of being Islamophobic violates your First Amendment: speak the truth. Have fun and good luck.’ Well, now, I must say that was awfully considerate of Roving, wouldn’t you agree with me?

“We’re on the corner across from the railroad station and my first observation since I was last here is that they’ve added some trains, presumably to handle the additional employed people since Trump took office. Let me ask you: what do you think the chances of trains being added were had Hillary won the election? And here we have our first interviewee. Hello; what’s your name and where are you from?”

“I’m Bill and that’s my wife taking a picture of us. They’ll never believe it back home. You see, we can’t get ‘Pulse’ on cable; we’ve got to read the transcript on the internet: they’ll never believe there’s an actual television show that always thought was malarkey; Roving Reporter for real and actually being a reporter, and that Chief New Leaf being a real Chief, if you get what I’m saying.”

“Afraid we get that all of the time. I’ve been in the Chief’s scrumptious bus, matter of fact, his house on wheels. As far as finding ‘Pulse’ on your carrier, all I can say is good luck. Most carriers are of the Loony Left fringe, double especially in California. What brings you to our fair city, or what used to be ‘fair’ before those who can’t reason took over City Hall and really messed up the works? You’re from out of town: tell us, if you can, how is it possible that a ‘gun-free city’ can have even one murder by gun? If it’s ‘gun-free’ it’s just not possible. I’ve a feeling that somebody is lying to us; any idea who?

“No, none at all. Now to answer your question, we’re visiting our youngest who goes to your university. Been hearing about your wonderful museums, so we’re going to visit them while April – that’s our daughter – is in class today, but we’ll meet at one of your town’s fine pizza joints later.”

“Something happened the other day in California that concerns me. A citizen brandished his gun to disperse a mob so he could make a clean getaway from a gas station, yet it was he who was arrested at the scene. Care to elaborate?”

“Not really. It all goes back to the basic requirements of the hiring process of our nation’s law enforcement. Used to be that all law enforcement personnel had to be veterans with an Honorable Discharge. Nowadays, even a Dishonorable Discharge is upgraded to an Honorable so they can receive VA benefits. Now about what happened the other day in California:  the cops violated the citizen’s Second Amendment by arresting him and confiscating his gun. If I were that citizen, I’d think seriously about moving to another state, and that’s what we’re doing: moving.

“In a perfect and Constitutionally-Correct world, the cops should’ve arrested themselves, it appears to me. I’d stay away from California: let it all slide into the Pacific and then George Straight’s song Ocean Front Property isn’t so far-fetched after all.”

“I have to say if any cop in California saw this show, they’d arrest you as soon as you stepped foot back home, you think?”

“Goes without saying. The cops in California, at least most of them, don’t do what they’re hired for: protect the civilians. We can’t put the blame on the men, but we can put all of the blame on the judges who give full Constitutional rights to law-breaking illegal immigrants, oh, sorry: guest workers; more like ‘guest murderers, rapists and child molesters’ if you ask me, which is what you’re doing, isn’t it? Remember that girl who got raped in her Maryland high school? Two bits the illegals walk.”

“I wouldn’t take that bet. Is that your train? Enjoy those museums and the pizza. Next? And you are?”

“I’m confused, is what I am. I see the Swamp, which is a metaphor for theft on a grand scale, am I right?”

“The grandest.”

“So why are the working men and women so upset about Trump?”

“No, it’s the people on welfare and government handouts who are upset. Remember a few years ago all those farmers who got checks in the mail for some made-up excuse to buy votes? Billions, it was, during the Clinton years. And they voted Democrat, right down the line. You see, the march onward towards total destruction is the only direction a democracy can travel.”

“How in the heck did you come up with that conclusion?”

“Because I’m a Professor and a writer of books, that’s why. Plus in a democracy the only way to go is up; in other words, improve. Look, let me give you an example. What would you say the chances of South Side Chicago voting for Obama would have been if they had learned to read and write and had a library card and even read a book once a year?”

“Truthfully? I’d have to say ‘None whatsoever:’ zero.”

“And why? Why did you answer ‘zero?’”

“Because if they could at least read, maybe then they’d be smart enough to see through the lies from CNN and The View and all of the other trash out there, not to mentionTIME Magazine.”

“You got it, hit the nail on the head. By the way, are you still confused?”

“Maybe more so than ever, I mean, how come there’s so much hatred out there? People killing other people for no other reason than, then what?”

“I’ll tell you: it’s because their belief system was based on lies and the lies have been exposed, and they still can’t accept it. Remember Dan Rather who kept on saying, ‘Where there’s smoke there’s fire?’ Well, unbeknownst to Dan, there was no smoke.”

“So there are no Russians?”


“And the Iranian deal was really the worst in history?”


“So Trump was right all along.”

“All along.”


“You said it.”

“But why…?”

“Because they’re afraid, that’s why. Their whole world collapsed when they realized that the other half of America didn’t drink the Kool-aid and, therefore, escaped the pipe-dream that Socialism is made up of nothing but free stuff, such as college tuition, car insurance and house mortgages. Obama, Hillary and Bernie supporters are made up of nothing more than our country’s leaches sucking our country dry, never contributing but always benefiting through their hands-on expertise of GAMING THE SYSTEM, such as irresponsible pregnancies as a means to receive a larger monthly government check. They never got the memo that ‘free’ isn’t free; someone has to shovel the snow and remove the garbage, fix the roads, cook the food and bring it to the table, and to protect us from those who wish, pray and hope to behead every one of us who believes in the Golden Rule.”

“Sorry; have to run: that’s my train. Bye.”

“Have a nice one. That’s it? What’s this? I’m supposed to read this now, on air? I’m sorry, the producer of this show just handed me a note to read so here goes:

This is a Thank-You to those who were working in the Emergency Room of the Veterans’ Hospital in Nashville, TN, the evening of June 8th of this year.

My searches for a card the size of a billboard have been in vain so I thought that a thank-you being expressed live on television would almost be as good, so here goes:

To the Chief Resident doctor from Vanderbilt Hospital and to all those who assisted him in the emergency room as I was bleeding to death, I thank you for saving my life.


“Well, I must say that was a surprise. Now our time is indeed up. Read this? Sure thing: ‘On behalf of the crew I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for watching the show and to wish you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Is that it? How’d I do? Thanks. I’m supposed to buy? I get an expense account? No kidding? Well, then, burgers for everyone: my treat.”

 Where Were You When I Needed


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.