Mr. Turtle Says, “You Want Stupid?” (RR)


by OPOVV, ©2017

(Apr. 22, 2017) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the information show that tries to knock your socks off, and today we just might do that. Hello, I’m Mr. Roving who will be your host for tonight’s program. As you can see, we’re in the office of Professor Zorkophsky here at the university to ask him about his new book, a bestseller, I might add, titled ‘The 2017 Stupid Scale.’

“I must say, I’m a little perplexed, Professor.”

“Please, call me ‘Zork.’ I insist.”

“Oh, for sure; whatever floats your boat, is what I say. Now, as I was about to ask you, you’ve also a subtitle that reads, ‘Large Print; Easy to Understand; Coloring Book Edition.’ Care to explain?”

“Be glad to, Roving. You see, we just don’t have any books written specifically for the stupid segment of Americans, you know, the ‘Occupiers,’ the majority of those who spend their days on college and university campuses (well, most of them, Yours Truly excluded, for example); the ‘Obots,’ Socialists and Communists and, heck, let’s throw in the Fascists for good measure; the Democrats; the supporters of Pocahontas, Ryan, Sanders and McCain; the anti-Wall and pro-‘Let’s be Murdered by an Illegal Immigrant, Why Don’t We?’ and those who’ve been brain-damaged by watching The View’ and, therefore, voted for Hillary, as proof thatthere’s a sucker born every minute.’ So, well, I wrote one. I’m especially proud of the coloring-book chapter, by the way.”

“Wait, let me get this straight: do you mean this is supposed to be a college textbook? For heaven’s sake, for what class?”

“Why, Political Science, what else? I’m sorry, I suppose it could be used in other classes as well.”

“For instance?”

“Art 101: ‘Stay within the lines’ would be one easily understood instruction. There’s a chapter on ‘The Secret of Class Scheduling: Sleep Until Noon,’ which, as it turns out, is the most popular chapter. The other one is, ‘Proven Excuses to Get a Passing Grade Even Though You Missed the Final.’ It’s become The Elements of Style; in other words, a must-have, virtually required reading book for every college student in the whole country. I expect to make a lot of money and, as I’m sure you can figure out, the publisher is absolutely ecstatic how it’s literally flying off the shelves. I’m rebuilding the engine in my Porsche, but now I’m considering buying a rebuilt one, what do you think?”

“Do the rebuild yourself but have someone who’s experienced set the timing. And what do I think about the book? Great, I suppose. Anything else?”

“Oh, good, I’m glad you asked. Chapter 4 is written by one of your very own; a member of the Corner Gang: none other than Mr. Turtle himself. The chapter starts off this way: ‘So, you want stupid? I’ll give you stupid. Had Hillary won, her Muslim friends would’ve rounded up everyone in the LGBT community and pushed them all off tall buildings by now. At least with Trump you’re still alive. It’s your choice: do you want Stupid without a parachute or do you want the chance to do what’s right for once in your life?’ That’s turning out not to be a very popular chapter, by the way.”

“Why not? Seems pretty straightforward to me.”

“And to everyone else with half a brain. You must remember who we’re dealing with here: the stupid, the left-behinds of our society.”

“Is that everyone in Princeton?

And the University of Chicago, with the exception of the Physics Department.”

“Well, Zork, it doesn’t need saying, but good luck with your new book. I see that our time is up and so, on behalf of the crew, I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.

“Burgers in the cafeteria: my treat.”

Free Falling




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