“THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL ‘VETTING'”
by OPOVV, ©2016
(Oct. 31, 2016) — “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to ‘Pulse of the Nation,’ the show that should get you thinking about the events of the day. What we do is stand under this awning across from the railroad station and ask everyday folk, just like you, what’s happening in their lives.
“Excuse me, Miss, care to answer a question for our viewers?”
“Oh, hello, Mr. Roving Reporter. By the way, that’s not your real name, is it?”
“And you are a product of what public school system?”
“How’d you know I went to a public school?”
“Not only do I know you went to a public school, but I know you don’t have a library card in your purse; you’re a Hillary supporter and that you haven’t a clue about Muslims, am I correct?”
“Why, that’s amazing! What else can you tell me?”
“Not much.”
“Why, I think you’ve just insulted me, and on television, too.”
“Care for a third?”
“I don’t like you. People at work don’t like you.”
“Work? You mean someone hired you and you’ve a job?”
“I’ll have you know that I’m the Deputy Director of the Midwest and I’ve got over 600 people working under me.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask but: no, I am afraid to ask: Deputy Director of what?”
“Muslim immigration, is what. What we do is vet them.”
“You’re kidding? You mean the government vets Muslims? How, I mean, what criteria do you use to vet a Muslim? Is this for real? You’ve a card or some sort of identification on you?”
“Here’s my card. See? My union card; my union dues pay stub; my union ID; and here’s a chart explaining how much I’ll get when I retire. See, I’ll get 30% more if I delay my retirement just five years. And here’s a chart predicting my ‘Cost of Living’ increases. See? It matches the cost of living increases that Congress gives themselves every year. And I’m exempt from Obamacare, too, just as the members of Congress are.”
“Well, I feel as if I owe you an apology; maybe you’re not as dumb as I first thought you were. It says here that you’ll get over a $160,000 bonus if you retired right now, am I right?”
“Yes, that’s true, but I’ll lose my health insurance if I do.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. Let’s talk about your job: how does one go about vetting Muslims?”
“We don’t vet all Muslims, just the males between the ages of 14 and 40.”
“Why just those?”
“Simple: the women are only 73% likely to be a suicide bomber whereas the men are 99%+.”
“99+? Why not make it an even 100%?”
“Because we have to give the appearance of knowing what we’re doing.”
“And you don’t?”
“Haven’t a clue.”
“Wow, that’s reassuring. Okay, tell me, then, how do you go about vetting the ones that you do vet?”
“It’s easy. You see, these immigrants get free housing and a cash allowance. A Muslim who wants to live in New York City gets an apartment – plus utilities – and $2,500 per month. Hold it! Before you interrupt me let me explain: out of that they have to pay taxi fares and tips, plus food and entertainment. Muslim men like our ‘gentlemen’s clubs,’ if you get my meaning, and that costs money.
“Now, as far as the actual vetting process goes, we show them photographs and judge their reaction, and if they display the appropriate reaction we let them in, along with citizenship and a voter’s card, oh, and a library card.
“Now before you ask, let me tell you: we used to show them pictures of the planes flying into the World Trade Center and decimated Christian villages throughout the Middle East, I mean, before and after Hillary was the Secretary of State. But I’ve managed to streamline the whole process by just showing them photographs of the Beslan school massacre, and that takes only about a minute – or less – so as soon as they leave the jetway they continue on to their apartment wherever the DHS wants them to live.”
“What kind of reaction? I mean, when they look at those horrible photos that you show them?”
“We look for genuine glee; laughter and satisfied smiles.”
“Satisfied smiles? Satisfied smiles looking at photos of mutilated children; how can that be?”
“Hey, they’re Muslims, and many are desensitized: get over it. And there’s my train. Any more questions? Make it quick.”
“I mean, is that the only test you give them?”
“Well, now, for the ones we have questions about, we also show them photos of women being beaten. Let me explain: we don’t accept Christians, even though it’s the Christians that are being slaughtered over there. Think about this: for 2,000 years the Christian communities have lived side-by-side with the Muslims. In many villages, from Iraq to Egypt, there are churches as old as Christianity, until Hillary came on the scene, that is.
“So anyway – I got to make this fast or I’ll miss my train – these Christians try to pose as Muslims; to try to sneak in because, even in the so-called refugee camps over there, the Muslims still kill them. So we show them photos of what the Muslims did to the children in that school in Beslan, Russia.
“The real Muslims will cheer, clap, jump up and down: have a real good time. The Christians, on the other hand, will cry – at the minimum – and, at the maximum, faint.”
“When you detect an imposter, what do you do with them?”
“We’ve a jail at the airport, you know, and we keep them in there until we find a flight that will take them back, or take them to an ISIS-controlled area where they will be taken care of.”
“’Taken care of’?”
“Tortured; crucified; beheaded: the usual.”
“Oh, my, oh, my. And you actually send them back?”
“Oh, yes, we do. Our ratio is for every Christian that sneaks in, we accept 10,000 Muslims. It’s not perfect but we’re improving. Now I’ve got to run. Bye.”
“Bye. We’re out of time. Gee, what a way to vet, eh? We live in a crazy place, is all I can say. Hey, thanks for watching, for whatever it’s worth, and so, on behalf of the crew I’ll be wishing you all a goodnight: Goodnight.
“Vet? So that’s what they call ‘vetting,’ to make sure a Muslim is a Muslim. Sick. And we accept Muslims but not Christians? I don’t want even one Muslim in our country. Burger time: my treat.”